It’s been hard for me to forgive myself. It’s literally taken me years to love again. It’s not that I’m in love right now, but I know what I have right now could be good for me. And love, I’ll find myself there again. My life will come full circle.

I don’t know why it took me years to realize how sad and broken I am inside. But I really tried hard to get better. But sometimes, not all wounds heal that fast. This is an especially deep wound. And I know I had to be patient.

I don’t want to lose him. I feel in my heart that he is good for me. It’s fear that is holding me back. I have to let go of the past if ever I am to have a chance of being happy with someone again. I know I have to let go of the hurt and the fear.

I truly believe that I finally deserve to be happy with someone again. But first, I must learn to forgive myself. People make mistakes. People get hurt all the time. There’s no need to beat myself up for a mistake. I can’t undo the past. I can’t go back. I can only move forward. In time I will learn to accept that I had loved and I was hurt. And in time, I will learn to accept that I deserve to be happy again.

I deserve to be happy. That’s something I haven’t heard myself admit. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone.

I enjoyed the mini-reunion that I had with my batch mates in college. We only knew each other by faces but we never really spoke to each other until then. Our common friend, T, invited us to her wedding. On the wedding reception we talked about our careers and about our lives.

There were only three of us. There was A, J and of course me. We talked about how most of our batch mates are already working and living outside of the country. There was no hint of envy because we know how hard it is to live overseas away from family and friends. And also because we have come to love our jobs and our lives here.

I would have expected A to be the first one to land a job outside of the country. He was always on the Dean’s list. He was popular in college because he was one of the most intelligent and most diligent students. His life turned out differently than what was expected of him. Everyone thought that he was going to proceed to med school and become a doctor. But he took the road less traveled. He took another college course related to computers. And he’s now sort of a computer geek working for a programming or gaming company. He seems to be enjoying his job. And he has no hang ups about what he did after college.

J is the same. After college, she worked as a therapist in a spa. Her job took her overseas. She worked in a cruise ship for a year and a half which took her to places such as the Caribbean and Europe. After that, she went back to work in her hometown. She seemed happy about her current job. Although she has plans of working overseas, she doesn’t seem to be in too much of a hurry.

As for me, my life did really take an unexpected turn. I was supposed to leave the country. I had already completed my documents and passed the exam. I only had a few months of waiting time. So, while waiting, I took a job in the customer service industry. I never expected that my immigration application would be stopped. After three years of waiting, I’m still working for the same industry. I’ve been promoted twice within just the past 2 years. But the most miraculous thing that happened was becoming a Buddhist.

I’m starting to believe that everything really has a reason. If my immigration papers went through as it should, I would not have become a Buddhist. Was it my destiny to become a Buddhist? I think so. Because the possibility of me being introduced to Buddhism was so unlikely. I never would have imagined in a million years that I would convert. I was okay with being a Catholic. By okay, I meant, I was okay with being unhappy and being depressed. But I guess, life really has other plans for me.

Once I became a Buddhist, my life really opened up for me. I became more friendly and a little less reserved. I became wiser. And I’m really happy. Being happy was something that was never a possibility for me before. Now I can say with confidence that I’m happy. I’m happy even when I’m physically exhausted. I’m happy even when I’m crying. And most of the tears that I shed right now are tears of joy and gratitude instead of tears of sorrow.

My mother and sister would always tell me what I should do and what I should accomplish in life. They have requirements and conditions that need to be met before happiness can be achieved. They always say, ” Finish school and then you’ll be happy.” My mother would always say, ” Marry someone rich and you’ll be happy.” She always has something to say, but I doubt that she’s happy. Every morning she keeps on complaining about her husband, her children and her life.

My sister went to med school and then after that went to law school because she thought it was the safest choice to make. She’s now a lawyer. She takes her work with her everywhere she goes. Her words are always peppered with ” I’m a lawyer, I should know these things.” She thinks that being a lawyer is who she is. It’s what she does, but it doesn’t define who she is. People are so enamored with titles and accomplishments. But does it lead one to true happiness? It doesn’t.

My life opened up before me because I took the road less traveled. I started out with a life map. I had big plans for myself. I guess those plans that I have, were just not going to make me happy. Now, I don’t have conditions that I need to meet in order to become happy. I know that how much I earn has nothing to do with me being happy. I know that my title or designation has nothing to do with me being happy. I’m happy, just the way I am.

I learned something from my friend, T. She just got married last week. Before that, she was in a five year relationship that didn’t work out. Once she got out of the relationship she attracted her future husband. They just met last March. And on the same month, the guy proposed to her. She accepted his offer. When I saw her during her wedding, she seemed very happy. There was a glow about her face. A glow that was never there when she was still with her ex-boyfriend.

T’s husband is decent-looking and nice. What’s more he’s well-off. He really looks like he can take care of her. And they seemed very happy together. I first dissuaded T from moving in too fast, but I realized that my advice was unfounded. There really are no guarantees in life. Just because you’ve known someone for five years doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy with that person. And just because you’ve known a person for a few months doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be happy with that person. What’s important is that you take risks. Fortune favors the bold.

My friend’s sudden marriage got me thinking why I’m still not in a relationship. So far, nothing has materialized because I’m too afraid to take risks. I was hurt before, but I let that experience haunt me. I’m afraid to love again. But so far, my fear has brought nothing but loneliness and misery in my life. And you can spend five years nursing a heartache and you still won’t fully recover. What’s important is that you move on with your life. Living in constant fear of being hurt will not make you happy.

I admit that I was wrong for holding back. But at least, I learned a wonderful lesson that would lead me to becoming more happy. At least, I realized it now rather than later.We sometimes let our fears take the better of us. Most of our fears are not going to materialize. And having anxieties in the future isn’t going to make us better prepared for it in case it does happen.

My cousin always tells me that there are no guarantees in life. You could have your life all planned out and mapped out and still you would not be happy. The happiest people I know are the people who just let life be. Living life to the fullest means, picking yourself up when you make a mistake. Living life to the fullest means starting your life from this moment on. The past is gone. We can’t take it back. But our future is what we make it.

Ellen mentioned during one of her interviews with Orlando Bloom that one should have a life list.A life list is a list of the things you want to accomplish within your lifetime. I already have a bucket list but a bucket list is sort of a life list in a way, although it’s more general. A life list is more specific. I guess it’s time that I write my own life list.

1. Travel with my boyfriend to anywhere.

2. Study cooking in Tuscany.

3. Read bedtime stories to my kids.

4. Take photography lessons.

5. Take guitar lessons.

6. Go back to playing the piano.

7. Join a band.

8. Buy and sell things.

9. Practice on my basic French; and learn Italian.

10. Revisit Europe and take wonderful pictures.

11. Write books.

12. Continue on traveling all over the country and all over the world.

13. Cook pizza for my family.

14. Cook meals for my family.

15. Make love to boyfriend on the beach.

Around seven months ago, my friend came to me for love advice. She just broke up with her ex and immediately after that, another guy started to show interest in her. And this time, the guy was really serious in committing. I don’t know what I said. But I cautioned my friend against being irrational and emotional. I told her to take her time. Yesterday, my friend got married. It was the first time I’ve met the guy. And I like him more than her ex. And I admit that I was wrong for being so negative about it all. My friend made the right decision to get married.

I began to question my decisions. A few years ago, a guy showed interest in me. And I was very afraid that he’d hurt me. Now, he’s still in my life but our relationship is a bit complicated. Or rather, I made it complicated. It was just a simple case of a boy and a girl liking each other. Instead, I turned it into something else. But I still care deeply for this particular boy. But I don’t even know where to go from here. But I do admit, I do regret my decision on not taking a risk on him. And I hope and pray that it’s still not too late.

I don’t know how to trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I’m being rational or being emotional. Half of the time, I don’t know if I’m listening to my head or listening to my heart. I seem to confuse the two. After yesterday, I really have to admit to myself that I’m the reason why I’m still not in a happy relationship.

It took a lot from me to admit that I am the reason why my previous relationship didn’t work out. But through my Buddhist practice, I was able to uncover the root cause of it all. And the root cause is ME.

My friend at work told me that I’m an attractive girl but there is something about me that seems to block men from really pursuing me. All he said is that I have this certain energy that really sends guys fleeing in the other direction. And based on my dating history, I have to admit that he’s right. One of my dates told me truthfully, ” You’re really intimidating.” After that, I never heard from him again. Men are scared of me for some reason. There’s just something about me that makes me so intimidating to men.

I think that I’m still really affected by what my ex told me. Or rather, I have given power to what he told me because it was my issue all along. He would often repeat it to me, ” No other guy will love you, the way I love you.” I took it as: No one else is going to love me.

It took a lot of courage on my part to finally break up with my ex. But I admit, part of the reason I stayed was because I was afraid that no guy would find me attractive. Or no other guy would love me. And part of the reason I stayed even if I was miserable in that relationship, is because I felt unworthy to be loved. I would often convince myself that I am lucky that a guy loves me and I should just stick with him since I’m not really worthy to be loved.

My ex was just a mirror. He magnified my insecurities and my flaws. I stayed in that relationship because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. And I didn’t think that I was worthy of a better kind of relationship. I didn’t think that I was worthy to be loved. I stuck with him all those times because I was afraid that no one else was going to love me. My ex seemed to be really into me. But of course, there were lots of times that he didn’t show respect and he oftentimes, took advantage of my generosity. But I stayed because I was afraid of not having someone. And at that time, I thought that being in a relationship ( even if it’s a bad kind of relationship ) is better than being lonely and single.

I still don’t know what to do with my life. At thirty, I’m still unable to picture the kind of life that I want to live. I mean, I know I want to travel. I know I want to have a wonderful and loving relationship with my future husband. I know I want to have kids probably 2 or 3 children. But I don’t know where to even begin.

A few years ago, I almost left for another country. I was certain that that was the path for me. I took all the exams and did everything I could to complete all the requirements. Just one more month left, and it was my turn to leave. But I guess, fate had another destiny in store for me. Perhaps, subconsciously, I sensed that that path would not lead me to happiness.

I was depressed for a while. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost. I had my whole life planned ahead of me. And it was depressing to realize that life has other plans for me. A cousin told me that she worked for this certain company that would be willing to accept anyone. I don’t know why I chose that company. But I applied there as soon as possible.

It was there that I met, M. Who would later turn my world upside-down. Although in a good way. I still don’t know what his purpose in my life is. But ever since I met him, nothing has been the same. But it’s all in a very good way.

I don’t know what kind of thing I have with him. We have this special friendship that I can’t even define yet. I care for him and he seems to care about me. Until now, I still want to know what his purpose in my life is.

When I met him, things happened very fast. I learned how to get drunk ( in a good way, and I mean, getting drunk is so fun and exciting ). At 28 years old, I experienced tipsiness and passing out. I experienced a full blown hang over where you throw up like crazy. It was a really fun experience. Of course, it was not fun while I was throwing up every thirty minutes or so. It became fun as I recalled the light-heartedness of it all.

I drank tequila because I was heartbroken. And I was confused about my feelings for M. It’s not always good to mix heartache with alcohol. The effects are really volatile. As I would find out soon enough. I passed out and lost consciousness. The next thing I knew, I was in a bar, propped up on a stool and spilling my guts out. Two of my relatives were there to help me out. My friend, J told me that it was my ‘yuckiest moment.’ I would have to agree.

I almost did a striptease number in public. My blouses was covered with vomit, alcohol and stink. I felt that I had to get it off. My female cousin, S, admonished me when I would unbutton my blouse. I still remember that she complimented me on my bra. ‘ It was new, ‘ I remember thinking. The next thing I remember, I was in front of the car, puking my guts out some more.

Passing out and drinking large quantities of alcohol wasn’t my style. I was a quiet girl. I was shy. I didn’t make friends easy. I was an introvert. Why all of a sudden would I turn into an adventurer? Because deep inside I was unhappy. And I knew it. It was only a matter of time before I would erupt. And a good thing, when I erupted, Buddhism couldn’t have come at a more opportune time.

I had a nervous breakdown shortly thereafter after my first degree cousin, almost professed his love for me. Maybe it was all in my head. I don’t want to think so. Maybe I was being paranoid. But something about what he was doing didn’t seem right. And so I crumbled.

It was a manifestation of something deeper. A deeper fear that someone I love and care for would take advantage of me. I don’t like to tell the story much anymore. Not because it’s too painful. I just find that it’s been over told. But one can’t write something without a reference point.

I was sexually abused as a child. And it was the pain that I was carrying for years that had burdened me with guilt and unhappiness. My psychiatrist, who is into Buddhism said, “ There’s a karmic pattern that is repeating all over again.”

She mentioned something about “purifying the family tree.” Oddly enough for a physician and scientist, she talked about karma a lot. She predicted that if I go on the same path, I would eventually be institutionalized if I would uncover lost memories from my childhood.

She told me that my cousin was just fulfilling his destiny. He was part of my karmic pattern. History was repeating itself to show me that I have some issues in the past that I need to deal with. He was just part of the karmic pattern that I need to break free of.

She prescribed anti-depressants and told me, “ After two years, you will get better. But it would get worse before it would get better. There may be times that you would want to kill yourself. Taking the pills would increase your chances of committing suicide.”

Up to that point, I was having suicidal thoughts but I wasn’t actually suicidal. I thought about pointing my father’s gun to my head and pulling the trigger. As far as suicide attempts go, my only attempt at taking my own life was drinking 5 aspirins and some other analgesic. It was after I had a bitter spat with my then boyfriend. I had suicidal thoughts but I was not suicidal. I didn’t slash my wrist. I didn’t try to suffocate myself. I just had really dark, dark thoughts of taking my own life.

Before my doctor could prescribe me the anti-depressant pills, I told her that I would think about it some more. She prescribed me some brain vitamins which was pretty strong. That vitamin was for stroke patients. It didn’t have a good effect on me because it made me think a thousand thoughts a minute. The thoughts would just not stop.

I remember what the good doctor and I had discussed. We talked about my dreams of having a family. And I talked about my mixed feelings for M. I felt that he was too good to be true. And I told her that I have doubts about him. But one thing that kept me hopeful was when she said, “ You have a chance of having a wonderful family. What happened to you is a result of the past causes of your ancestors. But you have the power to start anew. You can purify your family tree by starting with your own self and by raising a loving family.”

After our session, I went home feeling hopeful. But I still felt sad because, I thought that there was something better than just taking happy pills. I knew that I was not happy and that I’ve always been unhappy. But I didn’t want to rely on a pill to make me happy. I knew that there might be a better answer out there.

Around this time when I was contemplating whether to take anti-depressants or not, my cousin, L, introduced me to Buddhism. It was a different kind of Buddhism. It was true Buddhism. I was desperate. I had no other thing to turn to. I mean, what were my alternatives? Try this Buddhism thing or take anti-depressants and hope that I won’t kill myself before two years.

The choice was an easy one to take. And after several days, weeks, months and a year of chanting, the answer became very obvious. I had made the right choice.

The first few months of my practice was really hard. I had to face my own demons. And I had nowhere to run. When I started the practice, I became aware of my negativities. At first I was really afraid. I was really, really negative. It was tough because I didn’t want to face my own demons but I had no choice because I was living in hell. And the only way to get out of hell was to accept that I was living in hell.

After almost two years of practicing, things have improved. A LOT. There are still challenges. There are still questions that remain to be answered. But the thing is, I can definitely say that I’m no longer unhappy. I mean, there are bouts of unhappiness that I experience from time to time but it lasts shorter than it should. And most of the time, I’m just happy being me.

My grandmother, who passed away a decade ago would always say to me as a little child, “ You won’t get to where you’re going if you don’t know where you came from.” And in a way, she is right. What she’s actually saying is that one should be grateful always. I won’t ever forget where I came from. When I started the practice, I was unhappy, negative and unloving. And now, I can smile despite being sick. I can laugh at myself. I can joke even during serious situations. I’m no longer a drama queen. The only tears I cry are tears of realization and tears of gratitude. Unlike before where I would really cry tears of sadness.

Things are much more different now. I’m a different person. My world is a different world. I may not know where I’m headed for most of the time, but I know wherever I wind up, I know I’ll find happiness there.

Two weeks ago, I visited my workmate at the hospital. She just gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I held the newborn baby in my arms. I fed the baby milk and I put the baby to sleep. I felt so sad and happy for the baby. I couldn’t explain it. I felt happy that she is healthy. And I felt sad since her mother is going to give her away.

Eight months ago, the mother’s baby, J, my friend tried to have the baby aborted. She took all kinds of abortion pills just so she could get rid of the baby. Apparently it did not work. The pregnancy continued. J did not want the baby to be born since the baby’s father was not her husband.

For nine months, J kept the secret of her pregnancy from her husband. It was relatively easy to hide from her husband because her husband and her first-born daughter were living in another city. She’s been estranged from her husband for a year, but they were planning of getting back together. But plans of a reunion quickly evaporated since J had an affair.

The husband eventually found out about the affair that J had with her officemate. The husband was furious and beat her up. What the husband didn’t know was that J was already carrying a child at that time. The husband quickly went back to their hometown. There were talks of another marital reconciliation despite the affair. But J wasn’t forthright about her pregnancy to her husband. And even as a write this, her husband has no clue that she just gave birth two weeks ago.

I asked J why she had an affair. And all she said was, ” Because my husband also had an affair before.” Her answer was simple. And as a Buddhist, I tried not to judge her for her actions. But being human, I can’t help but judge her for her actions.

People often tell other people that they want to be happy. But we seldom see people actually making the right effort and doing the right things in order to be happy. The desire for happiness is there. But people often don’t know what to do to make themselves more happy. I guess it stems from the fact that people don’t know what true happiness means.

People who go after material things will obviously not find true happiness. When you finally are able to buy the things that you like, it would seem like you’re happy. But soon, the initial euphoria will fade away. And you will have to buy more and more things in order to get back the feeling of happiness.

J thought that by having an affair she would finally find happiness. But having an affair would not lead to true happiness. There was never any love and real connection between J and her lover. That explains why J’s lover never acknowledged that he was the father of the baby.

J once expressed how sad and unhappy she was. Even during the latter stages of her pregnancy, she still tried to kill the baby by drinking alcoholic beverages. But the baby still clung to life.

At the hospital, J finally became honest with herself, ” I know that giving this child away is wrong. But I can’t go back to my family and tell them about the child. My mother will kill me.”

I didn’t say anything. I already told her the right thing to do. But for her that was out of the question. But I felt that giving the child away to someone more responsible would be the best thing for the child. I don’t believe that the child would have a good life with J as the child’s mother.

” Did you learn your lesson then?” I asked her.

” I have.”

True happiness means doing the right thing. Happiness doesn’t just happen to people. I know that it’s often been said that happiness is within. But how can people ever hope to find it within themselves when they don’t even do the right thing?

Happiness is right thoughts. Happiness is right effort. And most especially, happiness is right action. Things that would lead to more happiness are things that are done by doing the right things.

****

When talking of happiness, Sakyamuni’s Eightfold Path comes to mind.

The Eightfold Path

1. Right view
2. Right intention
3. Right Speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood.
6. Right effort.
7. Right mindfulness.
8. Right concentration.

I watched an episode of my favorite t.v. show. In that episode, an eighty nine year old guy died. One of the main characters was deeply affected by the death of this old man. The main character didn’t know how to cope and didn’t know how to honor the old man. The old man took care of him when his father died and had become his second father. The main character asked for help from his writer friend on how to go about in delivering a eulogy. His writer friend suggested that he talk about the little things because it’s the little things that matter.

The episode is one of my favorites. It got me thinking about my own mortality. How would I like to be remembered? Buddhists know how short life is and how precious it is. We know how important it is to leave behind good deeds and good memories.

The episode also reminds me of the short speech that was delivered yesterday during one of our Buddhist general meetings. One of the members made a really profound and wonderful speech that brought tears to my eyes.

He said:

We as Buddhists know that life and death occur simultaneously. The moment of life is also the moment of death. The two are intertwined. And so, we must not waste time in useless pursuits.

They say that our life is like a movie. And you are the director and actor of your own life. There are only two directions that you can go. You can make a movie about your life where only you and you alone are happy to the exclusion of everyone else. When you die and watch back on your own life, the scenes would be brief. And at the end of the movie of your life, you would feel empty.

Or you could choose to make the other movie where you help spread happiness. At the moment of your death, when you watch back on your life, you would feel extremely happy because you spent your life helping others to be happy. It’s like watching your favorite movie. And there are so many wonderful scenes that you wouldn’t want the movie of your life to end.

There are two kinds of happiness. There is relative happiness and absolute happiness. Relative happiness is fleeting. Absolute happiness is never ending. When one is selfish and cares only for his own happiness, then he would experience a happiness that is empty and short lived. When one is selfless and cares for other people’s happiness, he would experiences boundless joy.

I know those lessons well. But sometimes, I tend to get lost. There are days when I feel that I don’t have a direction in life. But sometimes, a passage in a book, or in this case, an episode of my favorite t.v. show would remind me of what I’m on this planet for. I’m here to be happy and to spread happiness. And I can start the journey of a thousand miles by transforming my own life.

I came across Ho’opononopono on the internet. It’s about an ancient Hawaiian technique of spiritual cleansing. There are many similarities with the kind of Buddhism that I practice. The only difference is the spiritual approach itself but the core of the teaching is basically the same.

In Ho’oponopono there is mention of the zero state. In Buddhism, we call it ‘emptiness’, the ‘void’, the ‘ninth consciousness’ or the Buddha-nature. It’s the highest state of awareness which is a state of pure bliss. Some call it ‘nirvana’ or ‘ananda’. In this highest state of consciousness, everything is possible. And once you can tap into that ‘divine state’ you can create miracles and healing.

In our Buddhist practice, we are told to cleanse our karma. And through the process of cleansing our karma, our wishes will be fulfilled. Some call it a miracle. But in our practice we call it benefit.

Ho’oponopono emphasizes cleansing of the ‘programs’. Programs are memories. It’s when an individual is conditioned to become the person that he is. These programs are what causes unhappiness. And it is only through cleansing these programs that we can truly be happy.

In Buddhism, we call these ‘programs’ as karma. Karma is basically memory. The universe remembers. Consciousness remembers. And our basic goal in Buddhism is to cleanse our karma. Or to cleanse our basic life tendency.

Ho’oponopono relies on the self. You can’t blame the people around you for your unhappiness. In fact, this ancient Hawaiian technique is about changing the self. Once you change yourself, you change the world around you. You can actually have a positive impact on the environment by cleansing your spirit.

It’s very similar to the Buddhism that I practice. Buddhism states that self and environment are one. And the environment is basically just a reflection of the self. Hence, a person who is violent, would encounter violence in his daily life. And a group of people who are full of hatred and prejudice can create a nation which is always at war.

In Ho’opononpono, it is mentioned that a person must take full responsibility for his life which includes the good and the bad things that happen to you. People who enter your life have a purpose. And any issues that you may have with a person, is your own issue. To change how that other person reacts and interacts with you, you must change yourself first.

So, if you have so much hate for another person, instead of blaming the other person, you have to turn within for the answers. You have to ask yourself why you hate that particular person. And only by understanding and forgiveness can you let go of the hate.

It’s very similar to Buddhism. In Buddhism, you can’t blame external circumstances and people for your misery. Relationships are your mirror. If you have terrible relationships, you have to turn within for the answers. Once you know the answer, it’s only then that you can change how your approach the person. And by changing your approach, you change everything.

Ancient wisdom is basically universal. It’s only the spiritual technique that varies. Some may be more inclined to follow Ho’oponopono. Some may be inclined to follow Buddhism. But the ultimate goal of any spiritual approach is to reach that highest state of awareness or to unite with our ‘divine nature’ or ‘Buddha nature.’

It’s a little sad that a majority of the population have forgotten to follow a spiritual practice. Everyone should nurture their spirits. Our physical self is fleeting and only temporary. But our spirit is eternal.

I believe that the reason why there is so much violence in the world is because people have neglected their spiritual side. Most people have allowed themselves to be ruled by their egos. But the happiness that the ego experiences is short-lived. By nurturing the spirit, one can experience true happiness. Our spirits are thirsty. It’s about time that we satisfy our spirit’s need for growth.