I told my friend about my Richard. She wasn’t very pleased to hear about it. She’s the practical-type. Everything she does is planned. She’s a bit frugal and likes to make a bargain. I should have expected that she’d be the rain on my parade. She told me to keep emotionally in check.

I know, what I have with Richard may just seem like a silly infatuation for her, but for me, it has allowed me to appreciate what I have. And I think I need a little dose of sunshine. Richard is my ray of sunshine. It’s a long time coming. I’ve spent years being sad and lonely. I think it’s a good thing that I’m happy. I appreciate the small things now.

It was silly of me to wish her happiness and love on the new year but it’s just what I felt like saying at the moment. She might think it infantile but it’s not. What I feel, I wish everyone could feel. If everyone could feel what I feel right now, the world would be a better place. People would just smile and laugh. We’d all lead more simple and uncomplicated lives. And isn’t the pursuit of true happiness one’s goal in life?

The problemw with the world is that we make our existence more complicated. We complain that the world is mean to us. We complain that the world has been harsh to us. But it’s because we have so many needs. We have so many desires and wishes. And sometimes, we fail to appreciate that a little touch or a little smile is enough. Happiness isn’t about having a huge paycheck. I know someone who is very rich yet very lonely. Happiness isn’t about having everything that you could ever want. It’s about loving and appreciating what you have at the moment. Happiness is about being grateful.

Right now, I’m grateful that both of my parents are still alive. I know that in a few years time, they’d be gone. I know that I’d be gone as well. Nothing in this world is ever permament. BUt wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just allow ourselves to enjoy and savor the moment?

Everyday, the working class rush off to work. They fail to appreciate the scenery around them. They rush off to work and after work, they rush home again. It’s like their life is an endless cycle of nothingness. On my drive to work, I find pleasure in the act of driving itself. I try to be aware of my surroundings. It’s pleasurable for me ( except when I come across bad drivers, then, my mood changes ) to just drive to work and not have to rush. Of course, when I’m late, I rush off to work but I still find pleasure in overspeeding ( I just love speed! ).

Then when I’m at work, I find pleasure in the fact that I can interact with Richard even if only for a few minutes. I’m content to sit across him. Just this evening, I asked him to stir my coffee. He used his fork. My coffee ended up tasting like his food, but it didn’t matter to me. He stirred my coffee and that simple act alone has made me happy.

Yes, I might be a little unhinged right now. But shouldn’t we all be a little unhinged? Life is so sad. It really is. I mean, a few weeks ago, I was kneeling in pain because I remembered what my uncle did to me as a little child. I know I keep bringing that topic of sexual abuse. But it’s really painful and if I allowed myself to just feel the pain, I wouldn’t be standing right now. I’d probably drive myself off a cliff.

I know it’s unrealistic for me to think that this feeling that I have will never end. I know it’s probably or most probably going to end up in pain. I’m ready for that. But I’ve been in pain all my life. What’s the difference? Pain I can handle. But happiness, well, that’s the question that I ask myself a lot.

Sometimes, I think that I fear happiness. I think I really do. I fear happiness because I’m so used to the pain. But it shouldn’t be like that. Life doesn’t have to be an endless series of painful encounters. Pain and suffering is part of life but so is happiness.

People forget what happiness truly means. Why is a child more happy than an adult? Because a child is content and is willing to embrace the world.

Maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe we’re all meant to be happy and we’re just deluding ourselves by thinking that we don’t deserve to be. Happiness isn’t elusive as we think. It’s just right there in front of us. We just don’t want any of it because we think it’s just too easy. Yes, it is that easy. We just embrace happiness. It’s as simple as that.

My cousin, Cain, sent my world spinning when he turned the tables on me. I couldn’t see him and tell him how I felt so I sent him a text message telling him to stay away from me. I’ve been afraid of him ever since I learned that he had plans on courting me. His intentions sent my world spinning. I had to consult a psychotherapist because I was afraid that I would get a nervous breakdown.

People who aren’t victims of incest would never understand how painful it is to be betrayed by their own relatives. It’s our family who is supposed to protect us. It’s our family that we can trust. I think it’s more painful to be betrayed by people you care about and trust with yor very life because you’ll never expect the people who love you to do something so terrible.

My reaction was only normal when I almost lost my senses. I was traumatized and afraid. My other male cousin ( he’s the only one in my family who knows what our cousin tried to do ), Efrem, was bothered. He thought that I was raped because my reaction was too extreme. He said that I reacted like a rape victim. In this case, I wasn’t but a few years ago, I was. I acted like a person traumatized and paralyzed by fear.

I wanted to tell Efrem what happened to me as a little child but I couldn’t. But I’m sure he’d understand why I was shaking like a leaf and acting hysterical.

I thought I had achieved balance in my life again. I had lost my balance but I thought I had regained it. My cousin, Cain, would tip the balance scale again. And again, I found my world spinning. I felt as if I had reached the top of a mountain only to be pulled back down again.

Because of what Cain did, I started questioning and doubting my reality. Perhaps I had just imagined his intentions. Perhaps I had imagined everything that happened. The doubts sent me into a tailspin. I started questioning not only what happened or what almost happened between him and me but everything. I started questioning my childhood. I started questioning Richard’s feelings and my feelings for him. I started doubting my parents’ love. I started doubting my reality.

Cain was so manipulative and so sneaky that I started doubting my very existence. I started to doubt everything that I knew. I was so confused and so bothered that I went to church. I was chewing gum and it had turned sour in my mouth. I rushed to the wash room and threw up. But I knew it wasn’t just because of the gum that I was throwing up. I was throwing up because I was confused and tired.

I spent time by myself. For the first time in a long time, I spent time by myself. I ate breakfast and I purchased some DVDs. I drove around the city for a couple of minutes. It felt good to be alone with my thoughts again. But I was so confused that I was crying while I was driving.

On my way back home, I saw a thick smoke enveloping a government buidling. Because I couldn’t see a fire, I didn’t believe what I saw. I knew in my heart that there was a fire somewhere nearby but since I had started to question or doubt my judgment, I tried to convince myself that the thick smoke was nothing. When I got to the building that was on fire, I saw two fire trucks trying to stop the fire. That’s when I knew for sure that there was fire.

That’s what self-doubt can do. It can confuse you and make you doubt everything. And that’s how I know how good Cain is in manipulating women. It’s his bread and butter. After all, he spent most of his adult life trying to sucker women. He’s bedded hundreds of women. He’s a sex addict. He’s tried all sorts of women. He’s bored and listless. He’s done it all save for one last adventure– an incestuous relationship.

I’m glad that this happened at this point in my life when I feel stronger. If this happened when I was younger, I’d be defenseless. I guess I always knew inside that my cousin was up to no good. A few years ago, he mentioned my legs. He’s supposed to be my cousin. He wouldn’t notice my legs if I was just a cousin to me. But I admit, I was blind-sided or at least, I allowed myself to be blind-sided because he is family. But I say, never again. I’ve been a victim three times now. And I won’t be a victim the fourth time.

I will be seeing my psycotherapist again this week or next week. I have to unload my thoughts. I just want to know why I’m prone to being a victim. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I want a new life for myself.

I still doubt myself. I still doubt how I view the world. I doubt my own reality. But I prayed to God that I’d have real answers by this week. Because I’m the girl who doesn’t believe in miracles unless she sees one herself. To see is to believe, or so they say. That’s me.

But sometimes, I think that we already believe. We just have to see for ourselves for us to believe what we knew all along. But I’ll wait for answers. And I hope I’ll believe it once I see for myself.

I think that the thing about secret love is the secret pain that comes with it. Secret love is terrible because you can’t express how you feel. But secret pain is even more terrible because it hurts more.

 I have this fear that Richard will break my heart and go with someone else. It happened to me before. It happened twice before. The guys who I liked and I knew who liked me back, found me too cold and unemotional. That is my downfall.

 I’d like to talk about it in great detail but I want to eat. I’m hungry. And I might as well just drown my fears and worry by eating a bar of chocolate.

 Sadness and loss are a part of life. At least, there’s always chocolate to fall back to.

My mother is confused. Her mind is so clouded and she’s so confused. I pity her. At the same time, I find her funny. I have mixed feelings about her illness. I find it sad yet funny. I pity her yet a part of me resents her. But I know it’s wrong to resent someone who is sick. She is not sick on purpose. It’s not her fault that she’s ill.

 My psychotherapist told me that I should save myself first before I save other people. But isn’t it selfish? I feel guilty for saving myself first. But at the same time, self-preservation comes before anyything else. I love my mother. I love my family. But if I allow them to control or dictate my life, I know I will die. I may not choose to kill myself or end my life but I may choose not to live.

I have so much respect for the life I was given. I do not believe in suicide. My life is not mine to take. I don’t own my life, therefore, I know I cannot take it. But there are so many ways in which to die. I could die a slow, painful death where my soul dies first before my body. That’s what was happening to me before I decided to make a new start for myself. I was dying inside. My soul was slowly suffocating before I decided to choose life.

I have chosen life over death. That’s why ever since I chose life, I’ve felt more alive than I’ve ever been.

I understand now why I chose to be with my EX-boyfriend. I had decided that I wanted to die, so I chose to fall in love with a person who would destroy me. But after almost ten years of being with him, I realized that I had wanted to live after all. When I decided to choose happiness over sadness, that’s when I decided to leave him.

He wasn’t really a bad person. He loved me the best way he knew how. I don’t have bitter feelings for him. I still love him. But he wasn’t the right person for me. He wasn’t the right one. The more I spent time with him, the more I was unhappy. The more unhappy I was, the more I died inside.

The love that we had was passionate. My goodness rubbed off on my EX but his darkness, rubbed off on me. I may have saved his soul ( I tried to stop him from taking drugs ) but I nearly killed my soul in the process.

I can’t say that it was a mistake to fall in love with him. But I do regret ever meeting my EX. I do regret having chosen him especially now that I found someone like Richard. Richard should have been the one I should have been with. He just came ten years too late. Is it really too late for me to find happiness, even for a short while? I do not know.

When I started working, that’s when I decided to choose life over death. I’ve experienced so many firsts when I started working. I got tipsy for the first time; I went home at seven AM for the first time. Everyday that I was working, I was pushing barriers. And it made me happy because each day I spent away from home, I discovered something new.

I think it’s time for me to move out of my cradle. My home, which has been my home for twenty-eight years is no longer my home. Some place else is calling me. And I need to listen to my heart.

I know why I like Richard. I finally know why. He reminds me of the person that I used to be. Ten years ago, I was just like him. Probably I was more clueless than him. I was nineteen years old and alone. I was lonely. I didn’t know anything about the world. I was in college but I had no clue about anything. I never knew how the world worked. I was shielded from the real world by my parents.
Over late dinner of pizza and drinks, I got to talk to Richard better. We even thought of the same joke. I’ve known him only two months and already I could read his mind. Or he probably read my mind. I don’t know who read whose mind.
” Feel this four seasons drink, it’s warm,” he said.

Nia and I both touched his drink. It was indeed warm. We had come to this pizza place to get some late dinner.

And before I could say it, Richard said, ” This drink is probably still stuck in summer.”

” That’s amazing. That was what I was going to say!” I exclaimed. ” And I must add, it’s really a corny joke. I didn’t know that I’m capable of corniness as well. Or rather, you’re capable of corny jokes. Or rather, we’re both capable of corny jokes.”
A part of me was yearning for a kind of discussion that was deep and insightful, but a part of me was yearning for normal talk. Ordinary talk that was about nothing in particular. So, we discussed music,family and many other trivial things.
” My father’s birthday is today.”

” Aren’t you going to be visiting him?” I asked.

” Yes but I don’t really like to.”

” But why?”

” Well, my father he’s a bad person.”

” What kind of bad person?” Nia asked.

” Yes, what kind of bad person? Is he violent? Is he strict?” I joined Nia in asking Richard.
” Well….”

We managed to finally get it out of Richard. Richard revealed that his father had a mistress.

” He’s that kind of bad person,” he explained.

” Are your parents still together?” I asked.

” Yes.”

” Your mother must really be patient. But you know what? That’s part of life.”

The topic was supposed to steer into a different direction but Richard had wanted to clarify things.

” What you said about it being normal, it’s not. It’s not normal when a guy cheats. Don’t believe that.”

” I didn’t say that. I said, that ‘ it’s a part of life.’”

” Oh, I thought that you said all men are like that.”

” So, you mean to say, you’re not like that?” Nia butted in.

I don’t think I gave Richard a chance to answer. I told him, ” I know that. Not all men cheat. I still believe that there’s a loyal man out
there. Not everyone is the same. I just said that that’s life. You have problems with your father and I have problems with my mother.”

” You mean to say your mother cheats as well?” Nia asked.

” No. It’s nothing like that. It’s just that there’s always a problem within the family. If it’s not you, it’s your parents or your siblings. That’s normal. That’s life,” I explained. I don’t know if I was able to reassure Richard. I hope I did. But I was telling the truth.

Richard’s father cheats. My mother should be in a loony bin. No family is perfect. Each family has their own problems.

We were on our last pizzas when the topic steered into the sensitive topic of personal preference.

” So, Richard, what do you look for in a girl?” Nia asked.

Richard was taken aback by that question. And I don’t know why, but he looked at me and he didn’t answer the question. There was a period of awkwardness and a period of silence.

” I think I know why you’re not answering!” Nia teased.

I was getting uncomforable by the minute. Richard took a furtive glance at me before he tried to answer but for some reason ( only he knows )
he couldn’t answer the question. So, I had to move the topic along.

” So Nia, what do you usually see in a guy?” I asked Nia. I dared not look at Richard. The atmosphere had suddenly turned very strange. I liked
it but I didn’t really like it. I mean, I liked it but it made me uncomfortable.

I wanted Nia to ask me the same question so I could answer it. But I was glad she didn’t ask me. Because if I answered that I look at a guy’s
attitude and his eyes, it would also be very obvious that I like Richard as more than a friend.

I can’t understand why there are times that I could read him like an open book and there are times when I can’t read him at all. Maybe I can read him but I use my head too much that my readings get biased. Richard is supposed to be so easy to read. If I spent more time with him, it would probably take only a week before I could pick thoughts from his head. That happens to me when I get close to someone. I start reading their minds.
One time, I had an unusual craving of pasta and vanilla ice cream at a particular hour. I remember it so well because it was so unusual. I don’t crave pasta. I don’t even like pasta. But that time, I did. When I talked to Richard a few hours later, he told me about what he had eaten that afternoon. At at the exact same time that I was craving pasta and vanilla ice cream, he had eaten pasta and brownies with vanilla ice cream. I don’t know if it’s coincidence or not. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I look at Richard and I think that he’s too good to be true. He’s handsome yet he’s not vain. People misjudge him because he looks a lot older than his actual age. He looks like he knows a lot about the world but when you engage in a conversation with him, you’d be surprised to discover that he’s a lot more innocent than he appears. The guy is very close to his mother.

Some say that he’s gay or gay-ish but I get no such vibe from him. He’s just so innocent. He’s never had a girlfriend. And women literally throw themselves at him and he doesn’t know how to react. Sometimes he shies away from them. He reminds me of my younger brother actually. Or worse, he reminds me of my former self.
Ten years ago, I was so clueless that I didn’t know how to cross the street. I didn’t know anything about the opposite sex. There were a bunch of guys ( not a lot ) who would try to get near me but I never really had a clue what they were trying to do. I was so clueless, I had no clue who had a crush on me. I would find out much later when my friends told me which particular guy liked me. I never knew that some of my sibling’s classmates had a thing for me.
I think I’m drawn to Richard because he reminds me of the person that I used to be. A person who is lost. Maybe destiny or fate ( if you believe in such things ) brought me to him so that I’ll recover what I had lost. I used to look at the world with such wonder. I was so simple then. I had such a simple view of the world. Then I met this man with a dark past. And his darkness rubbed off on me. Then, I lost the person that I used to be. The person who was happy with the mundane things. The person who was happy with the little things.I grew up too fast. And now, I find that I may have to go back and try to recover what I had lost.

It’s a lot more complicated. I like Richard for a lot of other things. I admit though, I have to be extremely patient with him because he hasn’t yet figured out what I have figured out already. Soon, he will. I don’t know why Richard likes me ( if ever he really does like me ). I don’t know what he sees in me. Does he see some goodness in me?

I thought I have no more goodness left in me. I think of myself as a very dark person. Sometimes, I think that I don’t deserve to be with someone
like him. He’s so simple and uncomplicated. My mind is like a black hole. It’s a cold and it’s a dark place. What does he see in me? Does he know that I’m older than him by four years? I’ve already stated it over and over again. He knows my age and yet he chooses to ignore it. What’s wrong with him? Is he so innocent that he’d fall for someone like me?
I like him so much. I do. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid because sometimes I think that it’s too good to be true. I think he’s too good to be true. Do I really deserve to be with someone like him? Do I really deserve to know happiness? I know that with his simple view of the world, he has a lot to teach me about happiness. But what can I teach him? Should I even teach him how to love? Whose heart will break? Will I break his heart? Or will he break mine? Will we both break each others’ heart.
 
 

There’s a wall in my heart at this moment. And slowly my like or whatever it is that I feel for Richard is slowly chipping away at my defenses.
Shelby Lynne lyrics:
Wall In Your Heart lyrics
I feel your pain
I feel the rain
What happened to you
I can’t get to you
Cause there’s a wall
In your heart
That no one can get through
And it’s cold and it’s dark
And you don’t have a clue
But this wall it will fall
If it’s the last thing I do
I’ll get through this wall in your heart
I know your soul
I know I’m home
Just come here to me
I’ll let you run through me
Cause there’s a wall
In your heart
That no one can get through
And it’s cold and it’s dark
And you don’t have a clue
But this wall it will fall
If it’s the last thing I do
I’ll get through this wall in your heart
We’ll break down all the troubles we have found
And I’ll find a way to mend your broken pieces
We’ll hold hands and be friends
Until the end and our love will be forever
But there’s a wall
In your heart
That no one can get through
And it’s cold and it’s dark
And you don’t have a clue
But this wall it will fall
If it’s the last thing I do
I’ll get through this wall in your heart

http://www.soundtracklyrics.net/song-lyrics/shallow-hal/wall-in-your-heart.htm

Richard took my arm and pulled me closer to him. It was nice. What he did was nice. It wasn’t foreceful or anything. If I could describe it in one word it would be ‘affectionate.’ It was an affectionate kind of tug. The kind that makes you tingly inside and makes you want more.

I don’t want to cannibalize the moment and write about it in detail. All I can say is after he held my arms, I touched his back and pulled him closer so he won’t fall down. It was a touch that showed much concern. I really was concerned that he’d get hurt.

I actually feel sad right now. I feel sad because I like this guy but I can’t express to him how much I like him because I’m afraid. I’m actually afraid. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m used to getting hurt.  I’m afraid of falling in love.

Before I met Richard, I held myself together. I was uptight and repressed. I was strong. I held my emotions back. I could do that. I wasn’t afraid of anything. I was invincible. I felt invincible. I knew I could handle anything. I could handle pain and sadness.  I was untouchable.

Guess what my weakness is? My weakness is love. Suddenly, there’s a chance for me to be happy. There’s a chance for me to fall in love again. And now, I’m afraid. I’m actually afraid.

I wish he could sense the concern in my touch the way I sensed his concern when he touched me. But that’s just the thing. How long can this secret thing go on? How long can I hold my feelings in before I implode?

I had a nice breakfast with my friend, Jean. She’s pretty and exotic-looking. She has nice brown eyes and long hair. She’s dark-skinned and very attractive. She hasn’t changed since the first day we met, which means, she’s not plastic. She’s a very real person.

Over breakfast of rice and dumplings, she told me that she was afraid that she was getting too involved with this guy.

” What’s so wrong about that?” I asked her.

” I think I’ve really fallen hard.”

” And is that so bad? I mean, look at me, I’m single and I have no one. I’d give anything to be as happy and as in love as you.” I told her.

” It’s just that, this hasn’t happened to me before. I’ve never really felt this way for someone before.” Her eyes were gleaming. It was obvious that she is in love.

The lucky guy is a guy who is a year younger than she is. He’s a guy who comes from a very decent and very political family.

” Sometimes, I feel like I don’t really fit in to his family. His family is very accomplished. And well, look at me.” Jean was expressing doubt that her relationship would last.

” You know what? That’s just a test for your relationship to see how strong it really is. But if you ask me, social status has nothing to do with love.” I said it like I knew what I was talking about.

Jean is afraid that she might fall so hard that she’d get hurt. She expressed as much.

” I’m afraid where this is going.”

” Are you happy?” I asked Jean. She nodded her head. ” Then that’s all that matters. People try to seek happiness. Happiness is elusive and now that you’re happy, you’re questioning whether you deserve to be happy or not?”

” It’s just that I’m afraid.”

” Yes, because we’re women. We think too much about the future and we fail to appreciate what we have at this moment. Try to think like a man. Try to live for the moment.” I’m really trying to get into the male psyche now. It’s really unusual for me being a former feminist and such but now, I’m trying to understand the other sex better. Blame it on watching too much Men In Trees.

Come to think of it, I really do think that the guys are right. In the relationship, they don’t think about the future. All they think about is the present. Well, at least, that was what my EX was like. He lived for the moment. And he enjoyed the moment. But I was thinking in advance. I was thinking about the future. I never enjoyed our relationship.

 I was being a typical female who overanalzyed everything, when, all I should have done was to appreciate the moment I had with my man. Now, I’ve learned that lesson. And I’m telling my friend what I’ve learned.

” Sometimes God gets confused with us, ” I added. ” When we’re miserable, we question God. When we’re happy, we also question God. You’re happy now. Don’t think about the future. Think about what you have right now.”

 ” I’m just afraid that our relationship won’t last forever and I’ll end up getting hurt. I know I’ll get hurt.”

” Well, even married couples divorce. There’s no guarantee that you’ll be together forever. Just don’t think about the future. Just think about what you have right now. Just be happy.”

I couldn’t really believe that I was giving that kind of advice. It’s not the kind of advice that I would have been capable of giving. I guess I have changed. I’ve more than changed. I’ve really changed for the better.

Just last night, while working, I cried because I was thinking about problems at home. I was working and crying at the same time. My voice broke and I couldn’t help but cry.

I was thinking about how sad I was because my friend got upset with me. I also thought about what my mother just did. She ran off with a lot of money that wasn’t hers. Then, I thought about my sibling needing psychiatric help brought on by stress from dealing with my mother. And I thought about me having to go to a psychotherapist for help regarding my child abuse history.

But then, I started laughing again. Not because I was hysterical. I found it funny that our family has this kind of problem. It’s not everyday that you get to see almost all members of the family needing a psychiatrist. It’s sad yet funny and ironic at the same time. And I started to look at it at differently.

My mother is a little nuts. My sibling is a little nuts. I’m a little nuts. It’s really funny if you think about it. I’m not taking this lightly but it’s funny how God or whatever it is that’s out there controlling the universe, has a sense of humor.

I think I understand what the Buddhists have been talking about. You can’t change the universe, but you can change the way you react to the universe. The only thing you have control over is your own thoughts and your attituded. And everyday, I’m learning to let go of my ego and to stop taking things personally. It’s hard but I’m trying to be a better person.