A Letter To My EX Boyfriend

December 29, 2006 at 4:07 am · Filed under EX Files

 

It’s going to be the New Year and I want to start that year with healing. I haven’t gone out to meet my EX BF yet but I wrote him a letter. I hope he gets to read it but it’s more like a letter that marks the beginning for me. I have finally come to terms with my decade long love affair. And I know now, that my EX wasn’t the one for me. I’ve finally let go. 

 It was a painful relationship. More painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. But I learned a lot from it. I learned that when it’s not the right relationship, it just isn’t the right relationship.

 I think I’m ready for a brand new relationship. The kind of relationship that just feels right.

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

I’m sorry if you think that I am selfish. I hope you can see what is in my heart. I wish you could read my thoughts and my heart. But you can’t. You never have. I guess I keep calling you because I want to know that you’ve have moved on. I also want some closure between us. I am sure that I don’t want us to get back together. The years we spent together was one of the defining moments on my life. It changed me in ways I can never fully grasp yet.

I loved you. I was young and naive. I thought I was incapable of love but you taught me how. I loved you. When I was with you and when I was enveloped in your love, I always thought about you. Everyday for several years, I’d say a prayer. I’d think of you. Remember the little card I sent you? Written on that small card were the words: If I could build a garden for every time I thought of you, I’d forever walk in that garden.

It is true. When we were together, you were all that I thought about. You were all that I cared about. I may have a hard time expressing my love but you melted my heart. Somehow you did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew what love was until we met. I never thought I was capable of that kind of love. Similarly, I never thought that I was capable of so much hurt and bitterness.

When I say I loved you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore. You have touched my heart in ways I can never imagine. I think once you love someone, you are marked for life. You were once part of my life and I would carry that with me for the rest of my life.

The girl you once knew and the girl who once loved you has grown up. I am not the same person that I used to be when I met you. I have changed. And I’d like to believe that I changed for the better partly because of you. Although it was hard not to be bitter given that you have broken my heart so many times.

I don’t know if you can fully understand what you did to me. I know I’ve been cruel to you. I know that I’ve hurt you. I know it is not right to hurt someone intentionally but I thought that since you’ve hurt me, I want to hurt you back.

You never allowed me to express my sadness when you betrayed me. When you took the ring, it wasn’t just a simple act of taking the ring and not giving it back. It hurt because you took it and never explained why you could do something so hurtful to the person you say you love deeply. It wasn’t just that. I trusted you to take care of me. I trusted that when times would get tough, you would be there for me and not take advantage of my generosity. But you did. You took advantage. What really hurt was that you have never allowed me to express my sadness. When I tried to tell you how much I was hurting, you didn’t allow me to speak. It hurt because you never explained why you did something so terrible.

Did you know that it took me years to get over that? I tried to really forgive you. There was a time when I was tempted to leave you because of that. But I stopped myself. But I was so ready to walk away because I was so hurt. It hurt so much that everytime I spot a pawnshop, I would think about my ring. I felt so helpless because the ring symbolized the trust that I had for you, the trust, that I could never recover. The trust that I could never get back.

It really took a lot from me to forgive you and to not leave you. I guess I hated myself for staying. I really wanted to leave. If I had walked away, no one would have blamed me. But I loved you. And I wanted to believe that I could forgive you. And you tell me that I’m selfish. That’s what hurts. I stayed not because I wanted to. I stayed because I had to because I loved you and I wanted to forgive you. And all that I really wanted was an explanation from you. But you never gave me that because you would never let me dare speak of it. You wanted to bury it. But I can’t bury it because it was one of the most terrible things that anyone has ever done to me. When someone you love betrays you, it will leave a lasting scar. But I don’t blame you. You did what you had to do because of reasons still unknown to me. And that is what hurts. The fact that you never explained why you betrayed me. It’s not losing the ring that hurts. It’s losing the trust and not getting an explanation why you could do something like that.

Remember when we had a fight and you wanted to get off the taxi? I still remember that. It was one of the most painful fights that we ever had.

I think I brought up the subject of the ring. You got angry and you asked the taxi driver to drop you off at the sidewalk. I tried to hold on to your hand. I tried to pull you back. I tried to grasp your hand as hard as I could. I almost lost you. You almost walked away. You know what was really surprising? When I was tired of holding on to your hand, it felt right to let go of it. I felt powerless when I almost lost you but it felt right to let go. That’s what our relationship felt like. I tried to hold on to it even if the easiest thing to do would have been to let go.

It took me years to let go of you. And sometimes I stayed not because I wanted to. I stayed because I wanted to make you happy. That’s why until now, it stings when you tell me that you think I’m selfish. Have I not tried to give you my love, my body and my soul? I tried to give you everything. There were times when I was selfish. But didn’t you feel that sometimes I would rather not be there with you? And you call me selfish when in fact, I stayed because I wanted to make you happy even if it killed me deep inside to stay with you.

Just try to remember. When we were intimate, did you ever look into my eyes and see the pain? There were times when I wasn’t even there with you. There were times that I would have wanted to be somewhere else. One time you even punched the wall because you got so angry because I wouldn’t respond to you. You asked me what was wrong with me. I was so cold to you and unresponsive. You felt that I would have wanted to be somewhere else.

That was the first time I allowed myself to truly feel what I felt inside. You said that love isn’t enough. Yes. You’re right. Love isn’t enough to make me stay. Love isn’t enough to make me happy. But it wasn’t your fault. In fact, I blame myself. I still do. But I don’t regret anymore. At least, I’ll carry the memories with me. And who knows? Maybe because of what we went through, we’ll eventually find happiness.

You say that I’m a revisionist and that I changed what happened so I can make it fit into my story. Two people can be in the same relationship and not have the same experience. I am only giving you my perspective on the relationship. You always said that you were happy when you were with me. You always told me that you were happy being with me. I felt that happiness when you’d kiss my shoulder or my forehead. I felt that happiness when you’d take my hand and kiss it. It took me a long time to admit it, but I wasn’t happy in our relationship. It had a negative effect on me. And it isn’t your fault. Some relationships just do that to people. It’s not just you or me. It’s you and me together.

There was a time when I blamed you for my unhappiness. It was wrong of me to think that. It wasn’t you. It was the relationship. It was the fact that I wasn’t ready for a relationship when I agreed to be with you. It was the fact that my parents and my family didn’t accept you and me. It was the fact that I was looking for something else and I couldn’t find it in our relationship. It was the fact that everything just didn’t feel right from the very beginning.

You said that it was scandalous of me when I bared my breasts to you at a public place. I know why I did that. I was at a low point in my life. I had only started to come to terms with my childhood trauma. Even if I told you it wasn’t real, I always thought that you would read right through me and could see that I was lying because I was.

I guess that’s my fault. I always assume that people could read my thoughts. I guess I had wanted you to read my mind. I had wanted you to read right through me so I wouldn’t have to explain what was in my heart. But you could never do that. And that’s how I know, you’re not the one. 

I tried to forget what happened to me. Yes, I was sexually abused. I tried to forget but I could never allow myself to forget. When I met you, I was at that point in my life when I started to question everything. I was sad and and alone. You were there for me. You liked me. And I wanted someone to fall in love with me.

I guess that’s also the reason why I stayed in our relationship far longer than I would have wanted. I guess, I didn’t want you to just like me. I wanted you to fall in love with me. I wanted you to love me because I never felt that at home. I never felt loved. I never felt needed.

And you seem to have needed me. You seem to have loved me. And for that, I’m very grateful. I still remember when you read to me a passage from the Corinthians. I think we were eating pizza at Shakey’s. You suddenly turned serious and started reciting the verse: Love should never be jealous. Love should always be kind……

I was so touched by that. I felt so loved and so needed by you. I felt so important. I had wanted to marry you at that time. In my mind, I could see myself running away with you and never coming back. At that moment, I wanted to be with you so we could build a new life together.

But that’s how I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I could never build a new life with you. I could never run away. It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I can’t. Running away from my family and from the world that I’ve ever known is like running away from myself. I couldn’t build a new life or a new identity with you because I would be denying myself.

I’ve always wanted to run away from my problems. I’ve always wanted to run away from my sadness. But I know that I can never run away from anything. This is who I am. I am who I am. I can never deny who I am. I can never deny myself. Running away would feel good but it wouldn’t feel right. I guess that’s what our relationship stood for. I was running away. I was running away from the world.

 You may call me a revisionist. You can do that. You can call me selfish. You can call me self-centered. But none of those words will sting me anymore because I know it isn’t true. In my heart, I know what I felt and I know what I experienced. No one else can take that away from me. Not even you.

There were times when I felt bitter and angry at myself and at you. But I know now, it’s just one of those things that happen. There are relationships that change you for the better. And some relationships that wound you so much that you are unable to live your life the way you should. Our relationship is the latter. It’s a very painful relationship. And as you had said in our previous meeting, if we stay together, we will just destroy each other.

When you called me last May to tell me that you have found a girlfriend, I felt so sad. I still remember where I was. I was at my aunt’s office. When I learned of it for the first time, my immediate reaction was to hold back my tears. My brother was there and I was embarrassed that he’d see me cry. I didn’t want to see me in pain but it so painful I had to run off.

I guess I always wanted you to love me and to continue to love me even if we’re no longer together. So I admit, that part, I’m selfish. I wanted to go to sleep at nights knowing that somewhere out there in the world, was a guy who loved me and who thought of me. But when you told me that you were seeing another girl, I felt so sad. You had stopped loving me and have moved on. It’s what I’ve always wanted for you but I guess I was not prepared how much it would hurt. It hurt. It really hurt.

But at the same time, I was extremely grateful that you had found someone else. It allowed me to realize that our relationship had ended. That it was time for both of us to move on. And that it was time for me to stop believing that someone out there in the world was a guy who loved me.

I won’t ever forget the kisses that you gave me. The sweet kisses. There’s one indelible memory of you and me together in a taxi. We were headed for the city. We had just left your house. You were napping. And I was sleepy. I rested my head on your shoulders. You woke up and you took my hand. You held my hand and looked at it as if it were the most precious thing on the entire planet. I would never forget that. At that moment, I felt most loved by you. And I still hold on to that memory when I feel lonely. At least, I could say to myself that once upon a time, someone had loved me. And that’s what I’ve always wanted from you. To be loved by you.

In a way, you have taught me how to love. Love should be about the simple things. Love shouldn’t be about the grand romantic gestures. It shouldn’t be about giving flowers or giving chocolates. Love should be about the simple things– to profess one’s love to someone, a simple kiss on the forehead, a touch on the hands, a kiss on the shoulder. Love should be about the simple things. You’ve taught me that.

You also taught me the concept of unconditional love. I would often ask you why you love me despite my faults and you’d say, ” It’s part of you. It’s part of the package. I have to learn to love all of you.” Those are simple yet powerful words. It shows that you have so much wisdom when it comes to love.

When you said that, that’s when I knew that you weren’t the one when I couldn’t admit the same thing about you. I loved you but my love for you was conditional. There were just things about you that I could never accept. One of that, being your drug use. I could never accept that. So my love is ” I love you BUT…” When it should be, ” I love you and…”

I know you will love again. I know you will learn to forgive me. I know you will learn to forgive yourself. I know you will love someone else. I feel sad that someone else will receive your kisses. I feel sad that you will be holding someone else’s life. But love evolves. Love grows. And  you shouldn’t just allow your heart to feel love just once. Love is meant to be shared.

I have met someone. And I don’t know if he feels the same way for me the way that I do for him. I am hopeful though. But so much of my concept of love came from you. I love the little things about him. I love how he’s always there. I love how sweet and innocent he is. I love how simple his view of the world is. It’s the small things about him that matter. And I know where I learned this from. I learned it from you.

I hope you can hear what my heart is saying. I wish you could read my mind. Because right now, there is no bitterness and sadness in my heart anymore. There’s only hope.

I wish you could look back at our relationship and see how necessary it was. How it was meant to be part of our journey in life. How, you were meant to be part of my journey and I, yours. They say that we meet people for a reason. Meetings aren’t just random encounters. People meet each other because they’re meant to be part of each other’s journey. Our journey together was far longer. It lasted almost a decade. Some encounters are short but it’s still no less significant.

I may not know it now. You may not know it now. But there was a reason why we met. Even if our journey together ended, at least we can look back and say to ourselves that we have loved. Because we have loved.
 

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