There are tips on Yahoo.com on how to spend Valentine’s Day as a single person. I know that they’re just being helpful. I like the suggesttions but somehow, I can’t spend the fourth Valentine’s being single anymore. I’ve been single ever since I broke up with my EX. It’s not that I didn’t try. I’ve tried dating around. But my last blind date didn’t show up. He was such a fool. He wanted a text-only relationship. Obviously he’s abnormal. I’ve heard that people are interested on dating me but so far no one has approached me yet. They seem to be afraid of me for some matter.

On Men In Trees, Marin Frist is the only single person among the group. She feels left out and all alone. Even her bestfriend Jane has the Plow Guy. Patrick is getting married to Annie. Jack has Lynn. Ben has  his wife.  Even Chief Celia has a boyfriend. Buzz has the talkative Mai. Marin Frist is feeling left out. I can truly understand what she’s going through. Last Sunday, I spent an afternoon on an island with the group. There were two couples, Richard, one girl officemate and me. I remember looking enviously at the two couples wrapped around each other on the couch. I sat on a chair, and hid behind a column. Richard was to my far left. I felt self-conscious around him somehow.

I kept looking at the two couples. I couldn’t help but feel so lonely and alone. Of course, everyone wants someone to love and hold. I used to have that not so long ago. I had a guy who would kiss my shoulder and hold my hand. I felt loved when I was with him. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that there was still something missing in that relationship. But I still do miss the hugs and the kisses. That’s what I miss most of all now that I’m single.

It’s hard when it’s your choice to be single. Sometimes I feel so extremely lonely. Sometimes I’m just happy being all by myself. But this morning, I ate breakfast alone. It was five in the morning. Surely, it wasn’t a decent hour for a girl to be walking along the sidewalk. I tried to ignore the fact that I was all alone. I parked the car near the church and walked to the breakfast place. I ordered food and the guy said, ” Is this to go?” He seemed surprised when I said, ” I’m eating it here.” I guess he never gets that many lone female customers so early in the morning.

I ate my breakfast of sausage and rice. I downed my loneliness with bottled iced tea. Luckily, there was one friend who sent me text messages. But he stopped texting me after a while. So, again, I was all alone with my thoughts.

A colleague cried yesterday evening because she felt all alone. I had to console her. She said that she just woke up with a heavy feeling in her heart. She was all alone when she woke up, and no one was there. She went to the office and her boyfriend wasn’t there to accompany her. She just felt like crying. I could really understand her. At least, she gets the feeling once in a while. I get that feeling a lot. Sometimes, I’m just so lonely, I can’t help but cry. And usually, the tears just come when I’m eating a meal by myself. I get misty-eyed and sentimental. I can’t help but cry.

Sure there are perks to being single. I am not accountable to anyone. I can just eat whenever and wherever I want to. I can do crazy things by myself. I can drive around town by myself. But the thing is, I used to be part of a unit. I used to have a guy. And now, I don’t have a guy in my life, only a strange friendship with a strange guy who strangely enough, makes me happy just by being there. Maybe I’m being foolish, but sometimes I think that it’s not enough. Perhaps I want more than friendship. It’s all just wishful thinking right now. And sometimes, I just want to stop thinking. Thinking gives me a headache.

So, I’ll just go through life and not think about my single status. I’ll just try to appreciate what I have right now. There’s really nothing I can do at this point. Whenever the tears come, I’ll just cry. That’s what tears are there for anyway.

I’ve been telling myself not to think too much. I don’t want to overanalyze everything but apparently I do that a lot. I get a headache by trying to analyze every bit of event that happens. My psychotherapist calls it ‘analysis paralysis.’ And she tells me to stop thinking and start doing. I should heed her advice. But I don’t exactly know what to do. Right now, I’m just going with the flow and surrendering all control.

Since right now, I don’t know exactly what to do, I’m just cruising throuhg life. Not a bad idea considering that I used to be such a control freak.
 

I don’t know what it is about him. If I just feel and listen to my heart, I’m happy. If I allow myself to think, I’m not. I’ve tried to overanalyze my strange friendship with Richard. We have this connection. I know we do. We seem drawn to each other for some strange reason. And we don’t know why we’re drawn to each other.

Last night, I received confirmation for the first time that other people have started to notice that Richard and I have this ‘unspoken’ thing between us. They have noticed that the two of us have chemistry. And for the first time, they are starting to tease us.

Me along with my officemates went on a little boat ride and went to small island where we spent breakfast. Our officemate’s house was a little dirty since it’s been occupied by males and only males for a very long time. I noticed it almost immediately as soon as I saw what was on their DVD player. They only had X-rated films. When I went to their messy kitchen, piles and piles of dirty dishes were filed on the sink. There was a conspicuous lack of spoons. There were only dirty and rusty forks. As they say, the fork represents the masculine.

It was unusual and fun. We played house. Richard cooked. I did the dishes. Our other officemates swept the floor, mopped the floor, arranged the seats and wiped the dust off the kitchen table. I kept saying to Wunderbar, who owns the house, that if ever my mother were imported from the city to his house, his place would be turned upside down in no minute. My mother, who is a neat freak, would never consider living in a house that has dust in it. She is a relentless house cleaner.

” She even cleans and arranges our house at 3 in the morning,” I informed Wunderbar.

” So, you’re mother is a neat freak?” he asked.

I just smiled back at Wunderbar. To say that my mother is a neat freak is an understatement. She’s more FREAK than NEAT.

I slept in a room with Lionheart. There were two beds and one futon. We both wanted the futon. I pleaded that he sleep on the other bed and I sleep on the futon. At first, he didn’t want to give up the futon. He told me that it was better for me to sleep on the bed. But I begged and pleaded that he finally relented.  He slept on the second bed, next to our female officemate.

We were able to spend time together. But we were very awkward. It wasn’t like the last time we spent time together, where we really had fun. And I truly enjoyed his company. It’s just that the rumors about his sexuality is really starting to get to me.

I know that deep in my heart that Richard likes me and cares for me but recently, I’m just starting to doubt all of that. Just when I’m starting to doubt Richard’s feelings for me, people are starting to say things about Richard and me. And now, I’m more confused than ever. And even if I’m confused, if people mention Richard’s name, I smile.

Xavier, an officemate’s fiance, who goes with us to our excursions have told me to give Richard a chance since Richard apparently likes me. I was drinking a bottle of beer and was slightly tipsy and he asked me a very direct question. ” Do you like Richard?” I don’t know but I think I just smiled. And didn’t answer. I allowed myself to be very obvious.

” They tried asking Richard if he likes you. And all we get from him is a smile,” Xavier said. I guess, he was saying that I didn’t have to answer that question as it is very obvious that I’m acting like Richard.

” It’s very awkward on the girl, if she starts to think that he is gay, even if he is not,” Xavier added.

All throughout our little island adventure, I had this nagging feeling that everyone was observing me and Richard. We were teased. And people were observing our every move. It didn’t help matters that Richard cleaned my car. I was complaining that my car was very dirty and my parents would get upset. I didn’t think that anyone was paying attention but apparently, Richard was.

I was looking at Richard sitting at the front part of the boat. The next thing I knew, he was cleaning my car carpet. He took it out and kicked the sand out of it. And he told me to look at him. He kicked the carpet around and I smiled at him. I was so touched. He does that sometimes.

Richard is sweet like a little boy. He once gifted me with a paper flower and a paper crane. It was so sweet. I never expected that he’d do something so sweet and nice.

He was acting like a curious child yesterday. He waded barefoot on the shore. He told me he has got tiny cuts and nicks on his feet after walking barefoot on the rocky shore. It was very child-like. It was something that an adult would never do. But he did it.

There was a moment yesterday, when I just looked at the bare shore and smiled. I was in an island with the guy I care about. The wind was howling. The sun was shining. I could smell the sea. Everything just felt right.

Jamie Cullum is just so lovely. I love his song, ” These Are The Days.” I used to overplay this song in my Ipod in early 2005. I haven’t been listening to his songs but recently I’m rediscovering the delight in listening to his songs. Here’s the video.

Okay. I didn’t expect this thing to happen. James Tupper and Anne Heche have reportedly become a couple. It’s just totally unexpected. For one thing, I’ve read stories that Anne Heche is happily married to her husband of five years. Similarly, I know that James Tupper is happily married. I’ve seen the interviews of James Tupper raving about his writer wife.

I just never thought that the on-screen romance would develop into an off-screen romance, although it does happen in Movieland but not so much in TVland. I don’t know what this will do to the show though. There was always this on-screen chemistry between Tupper and Heche. I guess I never knew that it would really translate into a real romance.

I really do wish them all the best. I’m always pro-romance. I’m a helpless romantic through and through. I’m all for a relationship between two people who feel passionately about each other. And it’s better that these actors are being honest about their feelings.

It takes a lot to be honest with how you feel. I should know. I stayed in a relationship for eight years ( could have been more ) even if I was unhappy. It wasn’t that I was in denial. I just wasn’t honest with what I truly felt.  I knew that I was unhappy. I just didn’t want to let go for some reason.

It was a gamble on my part. I don’t know if the gamble paid off. I had the love of a man. He was willing to marry me but I let go. It was so easy. All I had to do was to defy the world– my parents, my feelings– and I would have been married by now and would have kids by now. But I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t. And now, I don’t have a boyfriend.

Four years after I broke up with my EX, and I still don’t have a boyfriend. It’s as if my EX put a curse on me or something. He did say that no one else was going to love me the way that he loved me. It’s not really a curse but more like wishful thinking. He was being selfish. I wish that someone would love him more than I loved him. But apparently, he wishes me ill-will. Oh well. That’s love for you.

It’s surprising how many guys have expressed interest in taking me out but so far, no one has had the guts to do that. I received the most telling compliment a few days ago. There was this guy who seemed interested in me. When he couldn’t take it any longer, he expressed his admiration and complimented me. I wish all guys would be as honest and as bold. He wasn’t asking for anything. He was just being honest.

Alcohol Units- 6 to 7 glasses of beer

Carbohydrates- 2,000 calories or more

Played billiards. Scored 3-4 ( lost by one game ). Got tipsy. Laughed. Met new friends ( friends of a friend ). Had fun. Stayed up until 8 in the morning.

Didn’t get to go dancing. Didn’t drive while tipsy.  Tried to walk in a straight line. Enjoyed my day off. Got paid at payday. Had to line up for three hours to get pay.

Met crush after drinking spree. Crush boasted that he was going to be having fun this Saturday. Was tempted to skip work so could join crush. But feeling guilty for not resting on day off. Will see if will be joining crush on Saturday. Could be fun. But could also be not fun. Lots of other people there.

Have to sleep.

There are certain inalienable truths in this world. And I’ve learned them the hard way. Here’s some of the truths that I’ve discovered in my 29 years of existence:

When you’re rushing to work, you always get more red lights than green lights. Meaning, the world will always work against you getting to work on time. 

Some mirrors make you look fat and some mirrors make you look thin.

There will always be loud people.

Your popcorn may be stale but you’ll never notice it if the movie is good.

Some things will always remain a mystery.

You do not suck as much as you’d like to think. But you’re not a virtuoso either.

You don’t know what to do when life hands you lemonades.

When it comes to matters of the heart, no one is an expert.

There will always be bad food.

Love makes you do stupid things. In short, love makes you stupid.

People will always be people and they will always have bad things to say about you. Accentuate the positive– at least, they’re talking about you.

You’re not a total loser.

There will always be bad hairdays.

When you’re preparing for a special date, expect a zit.

Sometimes our worst fears are never realized.

Try to live life one day at a time. Don’t think too far ahead. Fate will always find a way to muck your plans up.

There will always be times when your food arrives stale and cold. 

Build your dreams on foundations of love and success will follow.

Trust that the universe has something wonderful in store for you.

Life sucks, sometimes.

There will always be days that everything will go wrong– a flat tire, gadgets that don’t work, a busy signal, sudden rain when you’re not bringing any umbrella– but those days are rare and in between. And they do serve a purpose. They make you appreciate the ordinary days when things run smoothly.

There will always be bad drivers.

Not everyone will love and appreciate you. But when the right people love and appreciate you, nothing else matters.

If you feel that someone likes you, don’t doubt it. Revel in it. Don’t question how special you are and that even you deserve to be liked.

There will always be bad movies.

Expect a tummy ache or a headache at the worst inopportune moment.

Nothing is too expensive if you want it.

You can have what you want. But the question is, will you want it once you’ve got it.

When you see the perfect shirt, grab it.

When you’re feeling lost and tired, go to the nearest beach and just listen to the waves. Looking across the water will make you realize how small you are in the grand scheme of things. Listening to the waves will calm your nerves and will restore your balance.

If you’re feeling depressed, take a road trip. Drive.

Drive around town with the radio blaring. Try to feel the rhythm of the music as you sit in your car. Act like the world doesn’t matter. It will always feel good to live in the moment even if the others are staring oddly at you. Don’t mind them. They are just but momentary distractions.

There will always be nothing more perfect that a glass of cold milk before you go to bed.

A nice, bubbly bath will always cure you of your depression.

Nothing beats chocolate as a cure for depression and heartache.

Eat sushi.

Invest in an Ipod. Nothing beats the idea that you can enjoy your favorite music anytime and anywhere. And there will always be such a thing called a ‘music emergency’ when you need to hear your favorite song right away.

Try to spend one day in a week all by yourself, reading a book all alone at a coffee shop.

There’s always a theme song for every milestone in our lives.

Forget yourself sometimes. Just people watch.

Be curious. Never lose that child-like quality. Always explore the world around you.

Laugh and laugh heartily.

There will always be people that will make you laugh. There will always be people who will make you sad. There will always be people who bring out the good in you. There will always be people who bring out the worst in you. There will be people that you will love; people that you will learn to love; people that you need to stay away from; and people that you need like water.

Hug people.

Remember that compliments serve a purpose. When people have negative comments about you, at least, the positive comments will make up for the negative ones.

There’s no such thing as a bad news or a good news. It’s how you take the news that matters.

Read the news everyday. There’s no excuse for being indifferent to the world around you.

You are not the center of the universe. The solar system doesn’t revolve around you. Try to remember that even if you’re important, you’re not that important.

Be interested in people. They have stories to tell and lessons to impart on you.

You never know how to deal with your problems. But you always know the right thing to do or say when it’s not your own problem you’re dealing with. In short, ask for advice. The world is one overwhelming place. And everyone is struggling with their own problems. Why not reach out to each other?

People will always take advantage of your kindness and generosity. Let them. It’s better to be needed than to be needy.

Allow yourself to lose control.  And once you’ve let out all the repressed emotions out of your system, you’ll start to find yourself again.