What is love? Is it a feeling, an emotion, an idea or is it opportunity. I think it’s opportunity. Love is an opportunity to show your softer and unselfish side. To show to someone that you are capable of loving someone more than you love yourself. I was given that opporutinity to show Richard how I felt. I held his hand briefly. I  would like to think that he held me back. It was probably my imagination but I felt that he did. Then, he got scared and excused himself.

 Richard was drunk and was dancing precariously near the ledge. I held his arms so that he won’t fall off. I held him really close. I was afraid that he’d fall. He told me that he wouldn’t fall off but I didn’t trust him. So I held his hand while he danced near the edge of the platform.

I pray for him often. I pray that he’d pass his exam. I don’t have to do that, but I feel that I have to. I just want to. I don’t understand why I pray for him. But I just do.

Love is an opportunity. I was given that opportunity to be with him for six hours. I met him at a bar. He approached me and seemed eager to talk to me. I’d like to think that he took our brief meeting as an opportunity to show how much he cares.

I placed my cellphone on top of the wet table. He told me that my cellphone could get wet. He took out a piece of tissue and placed my cellphone on top of it. It was so simple yet so sweet. When I got drunk, I told him that I was going to use the men’s rest room. It was easier to pee there since men don’t take a long time to pee. I was already half-way there when I felt a tug. Richard took my arms and firmly took me to the girl’s rest room. He took my bag and slung it around his arm. He took my cellphone and lined up with me. For that brief moment, he took care of me. I don’t know if he did it out of love or out of care. Or maybe both.

There are things left unsaid between me and Richard. And I’d like to think that we feel the same way. When we were drunk, I wanted to hold him in my arms. But I felt that I had to restrain myself. Maybe Richard wants is just to be my friend. Maybe I should just take my heart back from him. Maybe I should just walk away.

But I’ve noticed that Richard gives me special attention. He acts differently when we’re alone together. When he’s in the group, he’s loud and funny. When we’re alone together, he seems formal and withdrawn. We talk and yet we don’t really talk about what’s important. My friend Jenny told me that what Richard and I have is love that is not yet ‘ripe.’

” What you have right now is a fruit that is not ripe for the picking yet. Maybe in time the both of you will be ready,” she said.

I know how I feel for Richard. Although there are times that I get confused. My confusion doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings for him. I know that I care for him deeply. It has a lot to do with fear. I fear that I may have fallen in love with a person who is incapable of loving me back.

I’d rather walk away than to be with a person who doesn’t want me. Love is too precious to spend on someone who is incapable of loving you back.

But can you really un-love someone? Can you take love back? Can you take your heart back once you’ve given your heart away?

I don’t want to end up like Jo. Jo warned me about loving the person who can never love you back. We talked about it during our last meeting. I still remember our meeting. We were sitting on a bench looking over the shore. It was low-tide.

Jo told me how she had fallen in love with a man who could never love her back. She said that there were times when she would go to the guy and the guy never reciprocated her love.

” It’s hard to fall in love with someone who can never love you back. The guy’s parents would ask me why I love him. And I’d say, ‘ I just do.’ And they’d say, ‘ But our son is ugly. You seem like a decent girl. Why do you love him? You can always find another’ and I could never answer their question. It doesn’t make sense. But I loved someone who could never love me back.”

” I never thought that something like that could happen to you of all people.” I expressed my surprise. Jo seemed like a very level-headed person. I never realized that she could be capable of such mad behavior.

” I would really visit the guy. His family knows me already. They know that I’m in love with their son. But their son, he doesn’t love me back. So, it was very painful. Don’t be like me. Don’t love a guy who doesn’t love you back.”

 Jo and I haven’t met in years. It was our first meeting in over three years. Maybe we met each other after a long time because she was to send me that message. Maybe I should learn from her mistakes.

Maybe the reason why Jo and I met at that particular time was to warn me about the disadvantages of falling in love with a guy who could never love me back. Or maybe her message is that when it comes to love, you can never help yourself. You love someone and there’s no reason for loving that person, you just do.

People are lucky when they find someone to love who also loves them back. I don’t know if I’m going to be as lucky. I hope I do get lucky. I hope this time, I do get lucky.  

Everytime I get drunk I always get a different reaction. I get weird when I’m drunk. Whatever comes to mind, I do it. I can never predict what I’ll do next. This time, I stole wallets and cellphones from my friends. The last time I got drunk, I got so wasted I passed out. Before that I would giggle and laugh. Before that I would laugh and cry. Some people just do one thing when they’re drunk. I do lots of things when I get drunk. I dance, I laugh, I cry, I take things from people. I am never predictable which might mean that I’m more complicated than I thought.

I never saw it coming. It came as a complete surprise to me. So that’s how Locke got paralyzed. I feel sorry for the poor guy. John Locke is one of my favorite characters in Lost. There’s just something sad about his expression, which suggests that something bad happened to him. Something did. Something really horrible really happened to him. But that hasn’t stopped him from believing in the power of the island.

I hate that thing between Kate and Jack. It’s so obvious that they love each other. I just don’t know how Jack can forgive Kate for her unfaithfulness. Kate is probably attracted to Sawyer but I’m pretty sure she’s in love with Jack. That’s the reason why she came back for Jack even if Jack told her not to risk coming back for him.

I never expected that Alex would be Danielle’s daughter. I never saw that coming as well. But the John Locke incident is the most shocking of all. I jumped in bed while I watched that scene. I just never thought that John’s father could be that devious.

I understand how it feels to be betrayed. I have been betrayed so many times, I don’t even dare to count how many times. I think that’s my role in life. People steal from me. For some strange reason, they think that it’s okay to steal from me.

Back in college, I had a friend who stole from me, not once but twice. The first time, I wasn’t sure it was her. The second time, I was quite sure. I didn’t dare confront her with that. I didn’t have any proof except that I sensed what she was going to do. I can’t take that to court. But me and my friend were that close that I could sense what she was thinking. I’m like that when I get close to someone. I get to read them. But it’s rare for them to get to read me. I’ve never encountered that except with Richard.

My ex-boyfriend stole from me as well. He did return the first object that he stole. It wasn’t literally stealing, but he took my bracelet and pawned it without even asking for my permission. He got it back but he stole another thing. Technically, he didn’t really steal it. I let him borrow it but he never returned it. I gave him a ring and he pawned it. I gave him money to claim the ring but he took the money and never claimed the ring. I wasn’t pissed about that. I was deeply hurt.

I know I have to stop the cycle because this time, someone stole from me. Again, I can’t prove that it’s my friend. I noticed that I lost money from my wallet. And several days ago, I lost my cellphone. I can never pin it on her so I can never accuse her of anything. I just have a feeling that she has something to do with it. But, I just have to let it go.

There’s this karmic cycle that keeps on happening. And I know I must stop it because it will happen again and again and again.

Blake Lewis may not win American Idol but this guy could have a future as a recording artist. I like him because he is very original. He’s a musician and he just dances to his own groove. I love his combo of singing and beatboxing. I hope he has a successful career ahead of him.

Among the female contestants my favorite is Melinda Doolittle. I think she’s going to win the title. She’s a very strong and very controlled performer. I love how she changes from a shy person to a very confident person when she starts to sing. It’s just unbelievable to think that this girl doesn’t know how amazing she is on stage. I’ve noticed that Simon Cowell actually favors her over Lakisha.

I love Lakisha’s soulful voice but performer she is not. So is Jordin Sparks. Jordin has a great vocal range but she doesn’t have that star quality. Speaking of star quality, I think that Chris Richardson has tons of it. He isn’t the strongest male vocalist, but he has oodles and oodles of charm. He just knows how to charm the crowd. Even Simon Cowell is entranced by him. I’m not really into cute guys but this guy, well, he has charm and charisma. I know he’s not that good a singer but he just has star quality. This guy could become a decent pop singer provided that he release a good record.

The greatest male vocalist has to be Chris Sligh but he just doesn’t have enough charm to make it to the final 3. I think that a woman is going to win Idol this year. And my bets are on Melinda Doolittle.

Here’s my top 5:

Melinda

Lakisha

Jordin

Blake Lewis

Chris Richardson

If somehow Chris Sligh starts believing in himself, maybe he can still make it to the top 5. He just has to work on his stage presence because right now, he doesn’t have that ‘oomph’ factor that the others have.

I don’t know what Sanjaya is still doing in this competition. He should have been booted out the moment he started to hula dance. But sadly, a lot of Indians are rooting for him. Can’t blame them though. He does have fancy hair. I actually like his hair. Simon is right. There’s just something about his hair that’s just fascinating.

I finally got what I wished for. After many months of longing for a video Ipod, I finally got one. But why do I feel so empty? I’m happy and yet I’m not. I’ve always wanted to buy a video Ipod but today, I got one for free. It was given to me as a late birthday present. But how come I feel so unsatisfied?

I’ve been buying new shirts almost every week. I bought a new novel. I’ve been getting enough sleep. But why do I feel so empty?

I guess what I need is something that money can’t buy. I need love. I want love. I want to give love. I want to be given love. I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want love. I need it, like I need air and water.

I need a love of a man. It’s been four years and I still don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve only had one boyfriend. I want to date other people. I want to experience disaster dates. I want to experience nice and memorable dates. I don’t want commitment right now. I just want romance. Okay, maybe I’ll just settle for excitement and fun. Maybe love can wait. But I need to date. I need to see other people. Why can’t I do that? Why isn’t there anyone out there who wants to date me?

I feel so desperate sometimes. I want to feel attractive. I want people to find me attractive. I don’t feel attractive. I feel so unloved and so unappreciated. I just want to have fun and be single. I want to realize my full potential as a single person. I want to date. I must date.

I’ve been getting a lot of traffic recently. I hope more people get to read my posts. I have some interesting posts.

 To those who have stumbled on my blog for the first time. Let me introduce myself. I’m Ablogaday. I’m single and in my late twenties. Emphasis on ‘late’ twenties. I fell in love with the wrong guy. He broke my heart countless of times. I’m still standing but I’ve become cynical, bitter, desperate, frustrated and hopeless.

Like Ally McBeal, I’m constanty holding out for THE ONE. I have one failed relationship in my belt but that hasn’t stopped me from being hopeful. I’m still hopeful. Ally said it best. She once said that being single meant being hopeful. I’m hopeful that the next guy who comes barging into my life could be the one. Call me romantic. Call me a fool. But that’s just it. Everytime a new man comes into my life and he seems interesting, I think of him as the potential THE ONE. Of course, it’s also bad to be too romantic and hopeful. I spent ten years with a guy because I thought that he was ‘ The One.’ Even if deep inside I knew that he wasn’t THE ONE. I tried to pretend that he was THE ONE, but it just never worked out.

Maybe I’m being a fool. Maybe there’s no one out there for me. The cynical and jaded part of me thinks that ‘The One’ is a myth. Maybe I’m just being foolish. But I know I’m not the only one. There are lots of us hopeless romantics out there. Emphasis on ‘hopeless.’

” Look out there,” Jo pointed to the city lights. ” Somewhere down there is the guy for us.” Jo is a hopeless romantic. She’s in love with her close friend Ian. She’s always been in love with him. I suspect that Ian also has feelings for her but since he knows he’s not willing to commit just yet, he hasn’t made a  move on Jo.

Jo is the type of girl who no one should mess around with. She’s innocent and maybe a little too romantic. Ian is a typical guy who dates around and likes to have fun. He’s not ready to commit just yet. But Jo, ever the hopeful one, wishes that Ian would be ready to commit. But she’s not holding her breath. She’s being realistic. Sometimes.

” I have given up on Ian. I have moved on,” she revealed.

” Really? But why do you look so sad? Why do you look miserable? You don’t look like you’ve moved on,” I asked her.

” I have moved on. I no longer have any expectations,” she sighed.

” It looks to me like you’re trying to make yourself forget him. I don’t think that’s really moving on.”

But what can Jo do really? Jo is ready for commitment and Ian isn’t. Jo is trying not to feel anything anymore because she’s so confused. I can really understand how she feels. I feel for her. I really do.

I also have this strange relationship with Richard. I know that he feels something for me. And he knows that I feel something for him. But when we’re together, we try to ignore that we have feelings for each other. It’s very strange. I told my new friend Dolly about the situation.

” That’s really so sad. You guys both know that you have feelings for each other but you’re not doing anything?”

” Technically, yes. Yeah. I know he has a ‘thing’ for me and he sort of knows that I have a ‘thing’ for him. But we never talk about it. And when we meet each other, we try to repress our feelings.”

” Maybe there’s someone else for you out there.”

” Perhaps. But wouldn’t I be sort of using that person? Someone already has a claim to my heart. And if I date out or go out with someone else, I’d feel guilty and disloyal. I can’t really explain it. It’s really confusing.” I wasn’t really making sense but I tried to make sense of it.

” Maybe your soul mate is out there. Maybe you’ll find him soon.”

” Really? What if I already have?” I was silent for a while.

” I’m really interested in meeting that guy you keep talking about. Do I know him?” Dolly was piqued.

” Uhm. Not really.”

The word ’soul mate’ comes out a lot. I can never really explain it. Maybe Richard is my soul mate but I’m not meant to be with him. At least, not in this lifetime. All I know is that I feel a special connection there that I haven’t felt with anyone else not even with my ex-boyfriend. But I feel sad because I know that Richard isn’t ready yet. And I don’t want to wait for something that may never come.

So, I’m hopeful, yet I dread being hopeful. I know at some point, I must move on. But I don’t want to find a boyfriend. It would be like cheating on him. So, I’d just date around. It would make me at least, a little less guilty.

I asked for a sign if Richard and I were meant to be together. There’s this toy that Richard and I fancied. I could never really figure out why we both liked it so much. But I’ve been looking for it for two months. I told God that if I find this particular toy, it would mean that Richard and I were meant to be together. I scoured various stores for the toy. I never found it. Two days ago, I gave up hope. I knew it was a sign that I should just give up.

I tried one more time but I finally gave up. It was a sign that I should just move on. I guess, slowly, I tried to make myself move on. But on that same day, Richard sent me a text message telling me that he found the toy. I was very much surprised because I never realized that all this while, we were looking for the same thing. We never mentioned it but deep inside there was this silent competition as to who would find the toy first. Richard found it.

I don’t know what it all means. Richard found the toy and not me. I’m so confused with signs. And I don’t want to know what it all means.

I have feelings for Richard but I just feel so sad because when we meet, I have to pretend that I don’t have feelings for him. I have to supress my emotions. I have to pretend that there’s nothing. That there’s no chemistry there. It’s very tough. And I’m tired of doing that every single time we meet. And sometimes, I just want to give up.

The last time we met was on his birthday. I forgot to greet him at exactly the stroke of midnight. I felt so bad. That morning, I called him and apologized. I knew I had to make it up to him so I told him that I was going to accompany him to church so he won’t be alone on his birthday. And so, for a few hours, we were together. We walked and we talked. We even prayed together. It was the sweetest thing that I ever did for someone. 

I tried to be there for him so that he’d never be alone on his birthday. I knew that he would just spend it walking alone. I know how it feels to walk alone. I didn’t want him to be lonely on his birthday so I provided him company. It was one of the sweetest things that I did for someone, if not the sweetest thing I did for someone. And I can never explain why I did that.

One time, our friends mentioned that they Richard declined to meet them on his birthday because Richard had no money. I don’t know why Richard agreed to see me. Why could he say no to our other friends and why couldn’t he say no to me? What if it all means something?

Just like the toy, I’m wondering what it all means? What does it all mean? Why do I do nice things for Richard? Why do I feel this way for him? Why do we have a special connection? Why do I have hide and deny how I feel? Why can’t I just allow myself to be happy? Why am I holding back? Is Richard also holding back? I feel that he is. What’s holding us both back?

I would love to be with Richard. I would really do. But I’m lonely and I’m human. I don’t want to hold out for something that might never come. So,  I’m going to live my life. I’m going to start dating around. But why do I feel guilty for doing so? What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

I want to be happy but being with Richard makes me happy yet sad. I want to be happy. Why does sadness have to be part of the equation? I want to be happy. I’m ready to be happy.

There are just songs that never get old. Alanis Morissette’s song, ” Ironic” is one of those songs. I still remember when the video and the song came out. It’s really one of those songs that you just like to sing in the shower. It’s a song that just sticks with you. Too bad that Alanis career isn’t as lasting or as memorable as her song.

Whenever I hear the song ” Ironic” on the radio, I always sing to it. I just can’t help it. Who can resist singing the lines:

Traffic jam/when you’re already late.

 I especially love the chorus:

It’s like rain/On your wedding day/ It’s a free ride/ when you’re already paid/ It’s a good advice/ that you just didn’t take/ and who would have thought it figures.

I always make sure that I do a ‘head bang’ move. It’s very 90’s. But it just will never get old.

Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore have no romantic chemistry. Not a zilch. Music and Lyrics was a movie that should never have been made. It’s not really a romantic movie because there is no romantic spark between Hugh and Drew. It’s not really a comedy because there were no laugh-out loud funny scenes in the movie.

The movie was painful to watch. I almost stopped watching the movie, but I just couldn’t turn it off. Hugh Grant was such a delight to watch. It was fun to see him sing and dance. I didn’t know that he could carry a tune. He’s not a great singer but he’s a decent singer. He’s not tone deaf unlike Drew Barrymore. He actually sounded very good.

The song and the video ” Pop Goes My Heart” was actually fun. The melody was catchy. The music video was very reminiscent of the 80’s. Hugh actually looks very believable as a has-been 80s pop icon. I especially loved his 80’s hair. He looked like a member of Duran Duran.

The movie was made bearable by Hugh Grant. Drew’s bubbly personality wasn’t enough to carry the film but Hugh’s self-deprecating humor was. Hugh knows that the film wants to capitalize on him trying to look like a dork in really tight skinny jeans. He doesn’t actually mind that he was required to use copious amounts of hair gel.

I wouldn’t really recommend people to watch the movie. It’s a waste of time, unless you’re a really big fan of Hugh Grant. He is kind of charming in the film. But sadly, his British charm couldn’t make up for a tasteless script.

All the while, me and Richard were looking for the same thing and we never knew it until tonight.  There was this silent competition between us. We were both looking for this particular bauble.

Several weeks ago, we both spotted and loved this nifty toy. The toy belonged to one of Richard’s friends. Richard promised that he’d find a similar toy and he’d tease me once he found it. I promised myself that I’d find the toy first and then I’d surprise him by giving him the toy as a birthday present.

I’ve been looking for the toy since then but I’ve never found it. I almost gave up until today, when I tried for one last time. I never would have thought that on the same day that I decided to give it one last try, Richard would find the toy.

Richard has always been on my mind, except lately. I never realized until tonight that I was also on his mind. It’s a nice thought that he still thinks of me. Too bad, I’m confused about my feelings for him.

I care for Richard but I’ve decided that I don’t want to care for someone who doesn’t reciprocate that same care that I feel. I feel something for Richard but I don’t want to be the only one to feel this way. I hope it’s reciprocated too.

I don’t want to give up on the possibility of me and Richard but I’m so confused right now that everytime  I think nice thoughts, I get a headache. I don’t want to expect because I don’t want to be disappointed. I’ve been hurt before. I don’t wan to be hurt this time.

It’s hard for me to just allow myself to trust someone else. But whatever happens, happens. I have got to trust that the universe has something wonderful in store for me. I’m just going to live my life. And I’ll just hope and trust, and cease all control. Whatever Richard feels for me, that’s his own look out. All I know is that I care for him and I’ll be here for him, no matter what. And whatever happens, happens.