We went on a day tour of an island several hours away from my island. I didn’t exactly enjoy the trip, but I didn’t exactly didn’t enjoy it either. I was kind of neutral about the whole trip. The whole time, I was on neutral mode– neither liking nor disliking it.

We went on a tour with a family of five. There was something odd and unnatural about the family. The father and the mother kept their distance. The two sisters weren’t that close. They barely spoke to each other. It was easy to see though that the youngest and only son was the more favored than the two girls.
I watched as the little girl approached her father. She seemed very awkward about it. The father just ignored the daughter’s advances and walked away. But with his son, he acted differently. He seemed to enjoy being with his son more.

It was plain to see that the father and the mother had marital problems. They kept their distance. They sat at least one seat apart. They barely spoke to each other. When the husband asked for the camera, the wife just handed it to him casually. There were no banters or smiles exchanged. It seemed like a very loveless marriage.

The children were well-behaved. But there was something unnatural about the way they acted. They neither smiled nor made fun of each other. There were no giggles or laughter. They were on a vacation, yet they acted so dead.

The eldest daughter seemed so aloof and distant. When the middle child– the young girl, fell asleep on the van during the tour, I noticed that the eldest sister didn’t even allow her little sister to rest her small head on her shoulders. She kept her distance. They barely exchanged sentences.
I felt sorry for the little girl. I could somehow relate to her. I am a middle child myself. There came a point in my life when I was neglected and ignored.

I don’t think I would ever want to have this kind of family. I don’t think I would want to be married to a man who is so dead and expressionless. I don’t know how I’ll deal with a guy who doesn’t even want to hold my hand in public.

I want to have a family of my own someday. A kind of family that is warm. I want a loving husband and loving kids. I want to see smiles on my children’s faces and I want to hear laughter from their mouths. I don’t want my children to grow up inhibited. I want them to grow up happy and normal.

I can understand why it bothers me to see the family acting so stoic. I too have a similar family. We’re a lot noisier but it’s still the same. My father and mother barely get along with each other. My sister and I keep our distance. The only thing is, with my younger brother, I’ve been acting differently with him. I show him as much affection as I can. But the thing is, my family is conservative and very dysfunctional.

My family thinks that I’m the odd one. I don’t act like them. I don’t think like them.

I want to have a wonderful family. I want to have a happy family. I want a happy husband and happy kids. I refuse to believe that I too will end up with an unhappy family.

Life is short. We should make the most out of it. I may have less than thirty years left to live. I intend to live them to the fullest. I intend to build a happy family.

My psychotherapist told me that I should plant good seeds. My family history may be full of darkness but it doesn’t mean that I should allow the darkness to continue.

I will have a happy family. I will have a loving husband. I will have wonderful smiling kids. I will have my happy ending.

I spent time alone for only two hours but they were glorious two hours. I decided one night to go to a new Starbucks and bring my books. I bought three of my books: a book on Buddhism, a novel and an inspirational book.

I ordered iced tea at the counter. I wanted to order a sandwich but they ran out of sandwiches. I asked the barista, ” When are your new sandwiches arriving?” He replied, ” We won’t restock them until tomorrow. The place was really full a while ago.” I thanked him and went to the second floor.

Two loud middle-aged men went on ahead of me. They seemed like lawyers or people who worked for politicians.

The second floor was partially-full. There were seats that were empty. I saw an empty comfy chair next to a woman who was studying. I sat there and started reading my books.

After a few moments a familiar face popped from the stairs. She saw me and approached me. I smiled and said, ” Hi. How have you been?” She replied, ” I’m fine.”

” Are you still teaching at the university?”

” Yes.”

We exchanged more pleasantries. She noticed my book.

” Are you into Buddhism as well?” she asked.

” Yes. I started practicing three weeks ago.”

” That’s nice. I’m also interested in Buddhism. May I ask what kind of Buddhism you are into?”

I told her the kind of Buddhism I was into. She replied,” Me, I’m studying Tibetan Buddhism and Pure Land. I’m interested in it.”

We talked for a while. When he friends arrived she briefly introduced me. Then she said her goodbye. I saw another empty chair. I sat there and continued to read my books.

I discovered a new coffee shop that is not too crowded but is set in a very idyllic location. I will definitely be back. Instead of going out on dates, I will be bringing my books. I call it a book date. There will definitely be more book dates to come.

Here’s a wonderful video by Sheryl Crow. It’s titled ” I Shall Believe.”

It was almost immediate. The moment I set foot on my house, I felt the sadness again. I don’t know why it is. But our house always felt like a prison.

I took a four day vacation. For four days I allowed myself to forget my problems and my family. I allowed myself to be free. But as soon as I came back home, I felt the heavy burden again. It’s as if my soul was being dragged down.

I went kayaking in the island. For two hours, I explored parts of the island. I started with the western part of the island. On my second hour, I explored the eastern part of the island. I lost myself in the sea.

I bumped into my relative in the mall. He seemed surprised to see me and he seemed afraid to see me. He was with his wife and kids. He looked really guilty.

Last year, I bumped into him at another mall. He was with another woman.  I confronted him about it but he assured me that he was not having an affair. He told me that the woman he was with was just his friend. At the end of our conversation, I had more questions than answers.

The thing is, he turned the tables on me and told me that I was the one imagining things. That I had a dirty mind. I felt so hurt by what he said but I just kept it to myself.

I found out recently, through talking to my relatives, that they too have bumped into him. He was going out with the very same girl.

Yesterday, my relative acted so guilty. He ushered me to join him at the store. It was as if, he didn’t want me to talk to his wife. I did talk to his wife but I was feeling guilty for knowing something that she didn’t know. But my relative had promised me not to tell her. After exchanging a few niceties, I turned and walked away.

My relative already has the perfect family– a doting wife and a smart daughter. I didn’t have it in me to ruin that image. Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. But if I were to choose for myself… I would choose the path to truth. But ordinary people can never accept that. They’d rather live in a lie.

The truth has the power to liberate us. But not many people want liberation. They’d rather remain ignorant.

I started the day crying. The first thought that I had was of my ex-boyfriend and how much I was hurt by our relationship. I was so sad that I stayed in bed from morning until afternoon. I was crying and sleeping and crying and sleeping. When I finally had enough, I mustered enough energy to climb out of bed.

 Climbing out of bed was hard. I had to will myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had to will my body to do as it was told. I had to will myself to stand up and face reality.

My day started late but I was able to accomplish a lot. I accompanied my friend to her new office. After that, I invited another friend, Lizzie, to join me at the park.

Lizzie and I had a wonderful time at the park. We talked about our problems. I advised her and she advised me. When it became too depressing, we started laughing. I started to joke around. It was odd really. I wanted to entertain and distract Lizzie. What happened was when I started to make her laugh, I started to make myself laugh. The clown in me emerged and I started doing all sorts of silly and childish things. Lizzie laughed heartily like a child.

Strangely enough, Lizzie reminds me of me. We both have very low self-esteems. We both have a history of sexual abuse. We’re both Capricorns. And we both have strong intuition. I actually credit Izzie for making me trust my instincts again. For a time, I didn’t believe my intuition or my inner voice, because I felt too insignificant and too unimportant to believe in myself. Now I know better.

After my time with Izzie at the park, we went to an eatery where we had dessert. A few hours later, Betty joined us. We started laughing again and enjoying ourselves again. Then, we visited our other friend’s house. By the time our bonding was over, it was four in the morning.

The highlight of the day was walking in the deserted streets. It was as if we owned the road. We had a nice chat while walking.

I don’t know how long my new friends will stay with me. We may all part ways. But it doesn’t matter. At that moment, we were together and we bonded. Nothing can ever take that away.