A Blog A Day
It’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.Archive for May, 2007
When Love Fades…..
I feel so sad for my cousin. She revealed to me recently that she’s not happy in her marriage anymore. All the while, I thought she had the happiest relationship. I would often go out with her and her husband during one of their dinner dates. They always looked so happy. They would laugh and smile often. I often envied their relationship. It came as a total shock to me to find out that they had marriage problems.
” We don’t have sex anymore. Not after we had our second baby,” V revealed.
I didn’t react. I couldn’t. I just listened to what she had to say.
” On the outside, we look happy but we’re not,” she added.
V told me about her feelings for her family. About how her husband seems like the perfect husband but still that isn’t enough for her.
” There’s something missing in my life. I want to get away from it all. I just want to find out what I really want.”
I couldn’t advise her. I don’t know how. But I sensed that somehow she doesn’t appreciate what she has. I would go with them during their family time. I would observe them closely. V has a nanny to take care of her kids. And I had a feeling that even though V loved her kids she somehow felt obligated to take care of them. There was a lack of passion on her part. It’s as if she having kids wasn’t really in her plan.
” I had the baby two months after we met each other. Everything happened so fast. I don’t know if I even love him anymore.”
I told her that she has to work on building a friendship with her husband. Friendship should be the basis of all relationships whether it be with your family or your lover. When you are friends with someone, you tend to look at them with an uncritical eye. You tend not to judge your friends. You tend to deal with them fairly and openly.
” I really don’t know what to say,” I told her.” I guess you have to work on being friends with your husband. I can’t tell you anything more because I don’t know how you really feel for him if you still love him or not.”
This has made me realize that I should work on my friendship with Richard. We have a special friendship now and I want to develop that more and more. Friendship should be at the core of all relationships. Sometimes the feeling of love or attraction disappears. But true friendship never fades. Maybe I should concentrate on that more with Richard.
The romantic in me feels so sad for V. I always believed that love endures. But now, I’m not so sure. I’d still like to believe that. I just hope that after V spends time alone, she’ll come to realize how lucky she is to have someone to love.
Special Friendship
I received the most wonderful and most funny message from Richard yesterday. I was smiling and blushing at the same time while I was reading it. I could never explain it but he has that effect on me. I know that Buddhists shouldn’t depend on external factors for happiness, but I can’t help it. He makes me happy. Or rather, knowing him has made me so happy.
My friendship with Richard started rather very awkwardly. I was attracted to him. I’d like to think that he was attracted to me too. We tried rather unsuccessfully to get to know each other at work but somehow there were always barriers. When Richard resigned from work, that’s when our friendship really began.
Before it was rather awkward and even if I was attracted to him, I felt that he was the most boring person I’ve ever met. But as I got to know him, my opinion of him changed. He’s a lot more interesting in many ways. And now that he’s showing his true self, I can really say that we have started our special friendship.
At work, I sometimes got so annoyed when he tried to act all charming and all. I always hated the fact that he was rather awkward around me. He’d try to approach me but when he’d successfully done that, he’d say nonsensical things. Or he tends to babble when he’s around me. And I hated it so much. I wanted him to show his real self when he’s around me. He never did that until recently when we started to communicate outside of work. That’s when he showed his real side.
We have this friendship that I can’t describe. Although we communicate every which way we can, there’s this sense of connection that is undeniable. And everytime he contacts me, or talks to me, I’m very grateful. Knowing him has made me a more grateful person. I can never explain that. I just feel differently about him. That’s why I call him my special friend. And I’d like to think that I’m also his special friend.
I don’t know if Richard is responsible for the changes in myself. Maybe just partly. But before I met Richard, I was not human. I haven’t felt human in a long time. I was like the walking undead. My senses were dulled. I was basically a zombie. My ex-boyfriend used to quarrel with me with regards to that. He’d say that I was not human because I didn’t show any emotions.
I was stiff and serious. Whenever my ex-boyfriend would touch my hand, I’d stiffen up. Whenever we had an argument, he’d get angry because I’d rarely display emotion except when I was really, really mad. I remember one particular fight that we had. My ex-boyfriend was so angry with me because I didn’t say anything while we were together. I didn’t do anything. Basically, I was playing dead with him. He got so mad that he punched the wall.
He kept asking me, ” What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you doing anything?”
The last time we met, my ex-boyfriend and I sat down together to talk, he got so angry again but this time for a different reason. He could sense that I had changed. That I was a different person. And he got angry because I didn’t show that side of me until after our relationship was over.
” I’ve changed you know, ” I told him. ” Do you know that I dance now?”
” Really?”
” I also am not so afraid of what other people would say. I’m a different person.”
Before we parted ways, I hugged him, something that I rarely do in public. And sometimes, something that I rarely did in private with him. My ex-boyfriend got so angry.
” Why didn’t you show this side of you before? Why are you like this only now?”
He wasn’t exactly angry at me. He was angry at the situation. Just when I started to emerge out of my shell, that’s when our relationship ended. But the relationship I had with him, encouraged me to hide deeper and deeper into my shell. And I felt that he didn’t understand or know the real me. And now that the real me emerged, he got angry because I didn’t make him a part of that.
A part of me still loves my ex. There’s a possibility that we could get back together. But then, when I try to compare how I feel for my ex and how I feel for Richard, there’s just a big difference. I know it’s not good to compare but it’s just different with Richard.
If I lose Richard in my life, I’d be so sad. There are times that I miss him so much that I’m afraid to see him. Because I know that when I go out to see him, I’d have to say goodbye to him and I can’t handle that.
I don’t know what it is that I feel for him exactly. All I know is that it’s good. All I know is that I’ve become a more grateful person since he came into my life. And I don’t care to define what we have right now. All I can say is that it’s a special kind of friendship. And words can’t sometimes express how I feel which is unusual because I’ve always had words to describe everything.
Live and Learn
I went to the store to buy toiletries last week. I bought lotion and cotton. As I was lining up to pay, a child who was lining up behind me had touched the keychain display. The display case crashed to the floor. The mother who was lining up behind me, immediately spanked the young boy. She hit him on his back.
She reprimanded him, ” You’re so clumsy. Look what you’ve done!” She looked so mad.
The young boy looked like he was about to cry. But he just crouched near his nanny. The child tried to pick up the keychains that were scattered on the floor. The boy’s nanny helped pick up the keychains.
The mother got so angry and she got impatient. She then said, ” This line is taking so long. Let’s just leave and buy things at another store!” They then left the store in a hurry. The mother dragged the young boy with him.
I felt so sad for the young boy. I know how it feels to be clumsy. I was once a clumsy child myself. I don’t understand why adults expect children to act like adults. Don’t they remember being a child? I still remember the emotions that I had when I was a child. I haven’t forgotten how it feels to be small, clumsy and scared. The world is so big. When you’re a child, you’re afraid of getting lost. You’re afraid of being scolded by adults. When you’re a child, the world is a very scary place .
Adults were once children too. How can they ever forget how it feels to be one? How can you forget a part of yourself?
I guess I was fortunate in being unfortunate. My parents were absentee parents.They were never there for me when I was growing up. They were always so busy tending to their own business. They never really had time for me. I grew up under the care of a nanny.
I’m fortunate because I know that I won’t ever treat my children the same way. I won’t be an absentee mother. I will be this cool Mom. I’ll play with my kids. I’ll allow them to be just kids. I don’t ever want my children to grow up unhappy or sad like me. I want them to grow up happy and well-adjusted. And I don’t care if they want to end up being a band drummer or a piano teacher. I don’t care what kind of careers they are going to have. I just want them to be happy.
My parents are so controling. I’m in my late twenties and I’ve only been recently allowed to go out by myself. They call me the non-conformist and the rebel. I call myself being human.
I think it’s unhealthy that at twenty-nine years old, I have only started to learn how to drink and how to party. I was never like that before. I was always so prim and proper. But nothing happened to my life.
One day it just hit me. I’m nearing thirty and nothing has ever happened to me. Nothing exciting and nothing wonderful. Then I realized that I was the only one who made my life boring and unexciting. There are so many things that I can do with my life and yet I’m not doing anything. And just when I thought I needed a change, I discovered Buddhism.
It’s so strange. I think I’m a walking contradiction. I’m trying to be an ideal Buddhist and yet, I’m trying to make my life much more exciting. I’m an anti-boring Buddhist. I’m a very modern Buddhist.
Happiness isn’t about being irresponsible or being carefree. It’s about being happy with what you have right now. And what I have right now is my youth and my vigor. My life is filled with so many wonderful possibilities.
I already know what kind of family I’m going to have. I’m going to have a loving family. I already know what kind of kids I’m going to raise. I’m going to raise happy kids.
Here And Now
I always complained that my life wasn’t magical enough or that my life wasn’t meaningful enough, but I did nothing to change that except now.
I always complained that I was unhappy or that I didn’t have many friends, but I never tried to be friendly. I never befriended strangers until now.
I always told people that I was depressed. I kept telling them that my life has no meaning but I never did anything to help myself. I just wallowed in self-pity. That is, until I found Buddhism.
Buddhism is hard. It’s not a religion, philosophy or belief that allows you to just stay in bed and do nothing all day. It’s the kind of religion or philosophy that constantly makes you aware of your own thoughts. It’s a religion that allows you to take control of your own life and of your own destiny.
I realize that I’ve been too complacent. I never really worked on my friendships. I never really worked on my relationships. But now, I’m working my ass off.
I signed up for Habitat For Humanity. I’ve always wanted to join but I kept putting it off. I kept saying to myself that there will always be time for doing that. I was always procrastinating. But now, no more.
I’m also going to be signing up for Greenpeace. I want to volunteer my services. I really do intend to do something meaningful with my life. I don’t want the next thirty years of my life to be anything like the first thirty years of my life. I want the next thirty years of my life to be spectacular!
