Several weeks ago, I tried not to contact Richard for one whole week. I wanted to find out what he meant to me. At the end of that week, I realized that I needed him more than I know. This week, Richard hasn’t contacted me and I feel lost in limbo. This time, I really know for sure how it feels if Richard won’t be in my life anymore.

I know I’ll probably survive without Richard. I’ve lived without him most of my life. But somehow, having him in my life makes my life more wonderful and more extraordinary. Now that we haven’t been communicating with each other, my life feels empty somehow. I’ll probably continue to exist but that’s it. There’s no sense of wonder to my life. It’s like living for the sake of living. He added color to my life. My life feels dull without him.

Amos Lee has a song titled, ” Colors” and I can truly relate with that song. I feel that without Richard my life seems dull and colorless. Without him, I’ll probably survive but I’ll just survive for the sake of surviving. Life without love feels different somehow.

Amos Lee wrote, ” When you’re gone… all the colors seem to fade.” That’s how I feel right now. The colors are gone and there’s only dullness in my life. I can still be happy but that’s just it.It’s not the kind of happiness that really makes you feel special.

I met a nice old man. I went to the government office  to secure a clearance. And the kindly man accomodated me. He didn’t give me any bother. He just told me to write my name and fill up a form. At first, he told me to go back tomorrow to get the clearance. He changed his mind. He decided to finish the clearance right away.

” I think it’s better if I just type this right now, so you won’t have to go back tomorrow,” he said.

The old man had kind eyes. He was short and lean. His face and body was wrinkled and tan. Yet he was very understanding. He permeated niceness.

While the man typed, I stood up and went to the window. The view was spectacular. I could see the roofs of houses and the mountainside. A few years ago, my city was barely populated. But it has grown so much over the years. People from other parts of the country would flock to my city. Each one wanting to get a piece of the pie or whatever promise they see in my progressive city.

When the man finished typing, I went back to my seat and thanked him. I asked him how much I was going to pay for his services. He was shy about it and he said, ” There’s no charge for it. But you know……. It depends on you.” He smiled. He was rather shy about it. I gave him a crisp bill and headed my way. Before I stepped off the room, I thanked him again and bid him goodbye. I might never meet him again. Or I might meet him and not recognize him. But that’s life. Some people come and go. But it’s wonderful to meet a really nice person in our journey through life.

In the news, I heard that a man died alone inside a movie theater. When the customers had all gone home, the movie theater caretaker noticed a man slumped to his side. The caretaker thought that the man was sleeping but when he touched him, the man was already stiff. The attendant called an ambulance immediately.

I was really bothered about that. I felt so sad for the man who had died. Who was he? And why had no one noticed that he was suffering? I find that it’s very lonely, the way he died. And over the years, as I’ve watched the news, I’ve heard stories of similar deaths.

There was a man who died in the parking lot. People thought he was sleeping but when they checked, he had already died. Then there was this old homeless woman who died inside her cart. Her cart was her only sole possession. She had slept there. When people discovered her, she was already dead. I also heard the story of a man who had died while mowing. He just collapsed. When people discovered him, he was already dead. His electric grass cutter was still switched on. Some thought he was electrocuted. But who knows what really happened? Maybe one day he just decided to die.

 Then there’s the young man who was shot in front of my house. I discovered the body and called an ambulance. I also called the police. I would never forget that day. I felt so sorry for the young man. It was reported that he was a criminal. But even criminals deserve a decent death. He was killed, shot five times in the head and in the torso. He died face down in the bushes. His brains were scattered in the plants.

Our nosy neighbors had crowded on his dead body. Some pointed, and some leered. Some were curious. Some were shocked. Some thought of it as entertainment. The stranger’s death was reported on TV. Some people were just there to be seen on TV.

It’s so sad how insensitive we’ve become. People die and suffer around us, and some don’t even blink. Most of the people have become indifferent to suffering and death. Life has become so complicated. People are all rushing to work or rushing to go back home from work. They don’t even care to look around them. In our hurry to go through life, we’ve forgotten our humanity.

 Ever since I started meditating and chanting or praying, I’ve managed to regain my humanity again. I’m more compassionate. But compassion can only do so much. I want to do something that makes an impact on ordinary people’s lives. But I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. All I know is that I want to change lives in a good way. Maybe I’m already starting. I’m starting with my family.

 I want my humanity to be restored. I want to do something for people. Something that just feels right. But I have to start somewhere. I have to start with myself. And after that, I will start with my family. And after I’ve accomplished my mission with them, maybe it’s time to start saving other people’s lives.

This week has been different. I feel different. I feel tired and weak. I don’t feel as powerful as I did last week. I feel enervated. I lack purpose. I lack th faith.

 I’m thinking of quitting my practice and going back to Catholicism. Back when my life was normal and nothing strange happened. I sort of crave that again.

Or maybe this is just part of the obstacle in my new practice. I need to just get over this obstacle and then I’ll be okay.

Maybe I’m not experiencing a spiritual problem. Perhaps this is is a physical problem. I’ve been concentrating on the spiritual aspect of my life that I’ve forgotten that I have a body to take care of. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I barely have the appetite to eat.

I have forgotten that the body and the soul are intertwined in the same way that matter and energy are the same. If I am to continue on achieving spiritual awakening, I must feed my body as well.

Buddha found this out the hard way. He set off outside his palace walls to become an ascetic. He didn’t eat for days. When his body almost gave up from exhaustion, that’s when he realized that he has to take care of his body as well.

It’s really hard juggling the needs of the spirit and the needs of the body. The Middle Way is hard path to traverse. Everyday is a challenge. You can’t allow yourself to be lazy.

In order to restore my balance I will write down a concrete plan on how to take care of my bodily and spiritual needs.

Bodily Needs:

- I will exercise three to five times a week. Before I worked the night shift, I would go to the gym almost everyday.

- I will eat more fiber. I will eat a healthy breakfast.

- I will get enough sleep.

- I will get a facial and a massage.

Spiritual Needs:

- I will listen to music

- I will read more books.

- I will write more often.

- I will take care of my relationships.

Care of the body and spirit:

- I will dance.

- I will paint.

- I will cook.

- I will allow myself to fall in love.