I do find myself regretting. I’m only human. When these moments happen, I allow myself to feel sadness and regret. I try to embrace and accept that it is part of being human– to feel sadness and sorrow. I should allow myself to feel the pain yet, not allow myself to be pulled down by it.

I keep thinking about what my life would have been now. If I married my first boyfriend, I probably would have kids by now. I’d probably have two kids. One of them would be a boy of around eight years old, perhaps older.

Everyday, before my son goes to school, I’d make him a sandwich and kiss the tip of his nose. I’d drive my first born to school with my baby daughter at the backseat. We’d sing songs together just like what me and my father used to do when he’d drive me to school.

My father would always have a song for me. He’d sing me a special song just for me. He would make use of a tune from a popular nursery rhyme and would change the lyrics. He’d then insert my name in the song. Those days were always special. And I consider it a tradition that I need to pass on to my kids.

Before my little boy would go down, I’d hug him and kiss his forehead. And I’d make him say goodbye to his little sister. He’d wave to us and each give us flying kisses. Then, he’d step out of the car and run to his friends, who have all been waiting for him.

Then, I’d look at the back seat and look at my daughter and smile at her. We’d talk on our way to the grocery. My daughter would coo and laugh as I told her her favorite story.

The story would be a story about a young woman, who found her true love. And I’d always make her promise, to wait for her one true love and not settle for anything less. And I’ll tell her that even though I love her father, I knew that in my heart, he wasn’t the one. And I’d feel sad again. But when I look into my daughter’s eyes I’d feel hopeful again. Not all fairy tales have happy endings, but maybe my daughter will have her happy ending.

When I would go out to meet my husband on his lunch break, I’d look into his eyes and try to feel the love. But the love isn’t there. It hasn’t always been there. But I’d try to kiss him anyway, and force myself to feel the warmth of his kiss. But deep inside, I’d always hope, that I’d married the man that truly made me happy.

In bed, when the kids are all tucked in, me and my husband would talk about our day. He would pretend that he’s listening to me. All I ever wanted was for someone to listen to me and to hear me. But he never could do that. We’d make love and it would feel like a chore. He’d go on top of me and be in ecstasy, while I pretended to like what he was doing. But deep inside, I’d always be thinking of the man who would understand me and touch my soul the way my husband never could. And amidst the physical ecstasy, there was something missing– passion, love and understanding.

Then, I’d find myself waking up from that dream. What do I have now? I may not be married yet. I might not have kids yet. But I have so much to live for. I have a friendship of a man who understands me. I secretly love him and wish to be with him. Even if we are just friends, I’ve been so happy since I found him, and since he found me. He’s the man that I’ve been praying for all those years. The man that I knew would touch my soul like no one can. Although he is just my friend, would I ever give up what I have now for anything else?

I may be frustrated with my life. I feel sad that I’ve reached twenty-nine, and I’m still single. But if I married my first boyfriend, would I have been happy? The kind of love that we had was like poison. It was toxic. It nearly killed me. When I ended our relationship, I thought I was incapable of loving again. But Richard came along and proved to me that my heart– although it’s been badly wounded– is still capable of loving.

You can always learn to love again after you’ve been hurt. I may have fear in my heart. I might have pain. But I still love. Or at least, I’m learning to love again.

Love truly heals. And love gives hope. And love, will save a dying spirit and a dying soul. If you allow love to come into your life, no matter how hopeless you feel, it will come to you. Love has found me because I never stopped believing.

There are times when I look back at my life with regret. Next year, I’m turning thirty. I never thought that I’d reach this age and not have kids yet. After college, I was planning on proceeding to med school. I had taken a pre-med course. The next step would have been to go to med school. It’s always been my dream to become a doctor. But I hesitated. That path although a noble path, wouldn’t lead to my happiness. If I had become a doctor, everyday of my life, I’d have to be faced with death. And that’s not what I needed.

When I met my ex-boyfriend, it was the beginning of the end for me. Our relationship caused my spirit to die. I died on the day that I met him. Each time that we’d make love, I felt unhappy instead of sad. Our physical union caused me to die a slow death. I tried to tell him that, but he would never listen. Perhaps he couldn’t understand that the love that we had, was slowly poisoning us and killing us.

I loved my ex-boyfriend. I would never forget him. But that path, led me to more spiritual death. It’s the way that he loved and the way that he tried to claim me. I forgive him for that. He was a substance abuser. And that was the way that they love. He loved me the best way that he can, but his love was selfish and all-consuming. He was jealous and possessive. And even if I tried to tell him many times before that our relationship didn’t make me happy, he wouldn’t let go. And so I stayed as if I was his prisoner.

If I stayed in that course. If I took medicine, I’d be faced with death everyday of my life. If I stayed in that relationship, my heart would die a slow and painful death. I’d forget how to love. But I took the path that not many people dare take. I took the path to self-discovery. I realize now that it was a very brave thing for me to do. My parents didn’t want me to take that path. But I took it.

After college, I took art lessons. After that, I took literature classes. I wanted to know how it feels to be happy. I wanted to pursue happiness. And my life has come full circle since then.

In pursuit of happiness, I realized that happiness isn’t to be found outside of us, but inside of us. For years, I tried to find it. I thought it was something outside of myself. I thought that by doing things that I loved, I’d find happiness. But if you don’t understand the nature of happiness, you won’t ever find it. Even if you take years to find it. Because it isn’t external. Happiness is internal. But my seeking soul has found an answer. And it found it through Buddhism. And that’s how I know what true happiness is.

True happiness is acceptance. If you are able to embrace the bad things that have happened to you, and know that it has a purpose, then you can be happy. If you are able to accept your flaws and your short-comings, then you will be happy. If you can accept your limitations and embrace your humanity, then you will be happy.

As I’ve learned, happiness isn’t found outside of yourself. You can be happy just the way you are. You can be happy just where you are. I thought that I had to travel to someplace to find it. But all along, I had it with me. All I needed was to tap into my soul.

Sometimes, I fear that I might lose this happiness. That I might forget. But my fears are unfounded as long as my happiness is based on gratitude. We should all be happy that we’ve been allowed to live. We should be happy that we’ve been allowed to feel pain, sadness, sorrow, longing because without these feelings, we wouldn’t know how joy, happiness, delight and gratitude would feel. We all need the good and the bad. And at the end of the day, it is we who define good and bad. At the end of the day, it won’t matter.

Everything has a reason and a purpose. And if we fail to see that, we will never be happy. Because happiness means acceptance. Happiness means living and delighting in your present existence.

Maybe in the future, everything that we have will be lost. But the future is so far away. Why dwell on something that hasn’t happened yet, when you have so much to live for today?

Love is humbling. I never thought I’d fall in love with someone like Richard. It just happened. We met at work, and we just clicked. There was just something about him that was both familiar and not familiar. And the more I get to know him, the more familiar he gets.

I always thought that I’d go back to my ex-boyfriend. Several months ago, I was so sure, I still loved my ex-boyfriend. I was going to go back to him. I wanted to give our relationship another try. But something unexpected happened. As I was conversing with my ex-boyfriend over dinner, it wasn’t him that I was thinking about but Richard.

I got into another argument with my ex-boyfriend. He always says the same lines.

” You won’t find another man who will love you the way I love you,” he’d always say. It was selfish and I knew what he meant by it. What he really meant is this: No one else will love you but me. But ever since I met Richard, I knew that he secretly loved me. I could feel it. And I secretly loved him back.

During our argument, my ex-boyfriend mentioned that I won’t find a man that will always agree with what I say. My boyfriend would often say that during our arguments. But I’d always tell my ex-boyfriend, ” It’s not that I want you to always agree with me. I just want you to listen or at least to understand. That’s all I want. Can’t you ever feel what’s in my heart?” But my ex-boyfriend wouldn’t care to understand. When his ego is hurt, he always attacks me with his hurtful words.

It’s ironic that my ex-boyfriend would say that. Who would have known that Richard would turn out to be the guy that my ex-boyfriend told me never existed? Richard listens to me. He may not always agree with me but he listens and he tries to understand. In the years that me and my ex-BF were together, never did I hear my BF just say to me, ” Okay, I may not understand but I’m listening.” He’d always say, ” I don’t care to listen to your problems.” Or, ” Let’s not talk about those things.” But Richard listens to me and he may not always agree but he tries to understand.

Ever since I met Richard, I’ve been humbled. I thought that I was in control of my feelings. I always thought that I’d fall for a guy who was an intellectual. Someone like me who likes to complicate things. I thought I wanted a guy who is goal-driven and ambitious. Instead, I fell for someone like Richard.

Richard is a simple guy with simple needs. Ever since I met him, I’ve started to appreciate the small things in life. I would never have imagined that I’d love dining out by the road-side. I always wanted fancy food and fancy restaurants. I’d always thought that my first date would be at a fancy restaurant not a small eatery by the road-side.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I thought I wasn’t hurt. I thought that I was okay. It was a total revelation when I realized that my heart had been badly broken. And I realized that because I felt that somehow I was healing because I met Richard. Richard made me realize that I was hurting inside, because he has healed me. And all the while, I thought I wasn’t hurting that I didn’t need to be healed. But Richard healed me. And the friendship that I have with him has continued to heal me.

I’ll try to collect more quotes from now on. I’ll probably build another folder. Here’s a quote that I got from another website:

”Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

I’ve been reading a book about a man who went to a Buddhist monastery to practice Zen Buddhism. I haven’t finished the book yet but I find it very interesting. The title of the book is ” The Empty Mirror.” I’m reading it slowly because I want to meditate on the book. I have this tendency to speed read and I just go through a book without even reading the details. The Empty Mirror seems like a book that you need to reflect on.There’s another book titled, ” The Power of Now,” that somehow explains awareness and allowing oneself to live in the present. I also love reading the book. It’s very straight-forward and the language is very simple. Much of the principles mentioned are similar to Zen. It’s about mindfulness or being aware of the present. I’m trying to practice the principles mentioned in the book.

I realize that there is no one way to enlightenment. There’s no clear cut path to enlightenment. Sometimes, it just happens while you’re in the bathroom. Sometimes it happens when you’re driving. By Enlightenment, I mean this powerful surge of realization or awareness. And to be highly aware of your life, you don’t exactly need to become a Buddhist to become enlightened, but it sure does help to be a Buddhist because all the questions that you care to ask are already answered.

Although I belong to one Buddhist group, I don’t allow myself to be limited to just one particular type of Buddhism. I read about and try to learn about the other types of Buddhism. I may belong to the Mahayana Buddhism, but I don’t try to ignore the other types like Hinayana/Theravedan and Vajrayana.

Buddha is long gone and we may never know what his exact teachings are. Buddhism has grown into something big and has branched out into many other groups. By studying each and learning from each branch, at least, you have a piece of the puzzle.

But ultimately, it doesn’t matter what type of Buddhism that you belong to. As long as your goal is to become more self-aware, then, that is all that matters. When you know yourself inside-out, you start to know others. By understanding yourself, you understand other people.

I’ve only been a Buddhist for five months now. I’m still a fledgling. I have much to learn. But I’m willing to learn. All I know is that this path that I have chosen is a life-long path. I vow to study and practice Buddhism until the day I cease to be. But I’m not afraid of that. That day will come soon enough. But I want to enjoy the journey and not the destination.

Sometimes, I get this extreme feeling of sadness when I start to think about the nature of life. Life is truly impermanent.The things and the people that we love today could be gone tomorrow. And I find that I am so afraid of loss. I could lose the people I love anytime. Or the life that I’ve been given may just evaporate.

I could be gone tomorrow. And then I try to stop myself from feeling sad. And I turn my sadness into gratitude. I’ve been allowed to live and to exist. And I should at least be grateful for that. And when I try to think about the possibility of loss only this time, with gratitude in my heart, I realize that I should live life to the fullest because I could be gone tomorrow. I want to love like there’s no tomorrow.

The Buddhists are probably the happiest people on earth. And to those who understand the true nature of life and its impermanence. Life may be gone tomorrow but at least, we have today. We have NOW. And we should at least be grateful for that.

Here’s a nice link to awareness in everyday living.

http://integral-options.blogspot.com/2007/07/daily-om-aware-and-awake.html

I went shopping today. I bought a pair of new shoes and two shirts. Although I love the shirts and the shoes that I bought, I started thinking about how empty it felt. I may have enjoyed the experience of shopping and having fulfilled my desire but I realized that once I started shopping, I wanted more.

I only wanted to buy one shirt but ended up buying two shirts. I wanted to buy a cheap pair of shoes but I ended up buying an expensive pair of shoes. When I saw a cute bracelet behind the shopping counter, I wanted to buy that one too. Then, all of a sudden, I started thinking about the things that I wanted to buy– an expensive pair of underwear, bags, more shoes, and more clothes. Once you give in to your desire, what is stopping you from wanting more? How do you draw a line between need and want? The really hard part is knowing the reason why you want more when you already have enough.

Then, I started seeing myself a few years from now. I realized that if I continued on this materialistic path, I might possibly marry a rich man. He’d be able to provide for me and our future family. We’d go on expensive vacations. Our children will go to the best exclusive schools. I’d have shopping money to spend on clothes and on jewelries. I’d be able to buy all the shoes and bags that I could ever dream of. I’d probably be happy for a while, until the craving and the want for something more starts to take over. Then, I will become a slave to my materialism.

Then I started to think about the type of man I’m going to marry. He will be able to provide me with all my material needs. But our time together will be scheduled because he’d be too busy with work. We would probably vacation in Europe but we would have to plan it months ahead of time because of his many appointments. Our children would be educated in good schools but we would barely see them because our children will be swamped by school work. Although in the surface, my life would seem perfect, inside it would feel hollow. And I’d start to feel sad again for myself and for my family. Money can’t ever buy happiness. And the pursuit of all things material will only provide momentary happiness.

I started thinking about Richard again. I started thinking about how humble and simple he is. My parents wouldn’t want me to be with someone like him. Richard buys his clothes and shoes at a second-hand store. He doesn’t talk about it much ( perhaps he is embarrassed by it ) but he has money problems. His family used to live in an area that some would consider a slum area. But when he mentioned where he used to live, he was proud of it. He has never tried or pretended to be someone else. He’s just a simple man and that’s why I think I need him in my life.

When I started thinking about Richard, I felt a little guilty for being born privileged. I spent an afternoon shopping for expensive clothes when Richard buys his clothes at a thrift shop. He once told me that he felt embarrassed when the second-hand sandals that he bought started to fall apart.

Unlike Richard, I can buy whatever I want, when I want to. I’ve never really had problems with money. I go to work not because I need to go to work but because I’m afraid that I’d turn out to be a dull person. I’m afraid of becoming bored.

I don’t have to hide the fact that I’m born privileged. People see that. The way I talk, and the way I walk and even the way I look, suggests that I can afford many things. People would often tell me, ” You’re rich but you don’t try to flaunt your wealth.” And I always take this as a compliment. I don’t like to boast. I never tried to be anything other than me.

But I also know that money can’t buy happiness. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. My father and his siblings inherited a huge amount of money several years ago. But the money never made them happy. In fact, before they got a hold of their inheritance, they became greedy. They almost killed each other for money. My father became their mediator. He is passive by nature. And he knows too that money is just a tool and not the ultimate source of one’s happiness.

It’s what you do with money that determines your happiness and not money itself that will bring happiness. All the material wealth in the world won’t buy or bring happiness. That’s why there are business tycoons who have given up a huge part of their fortune to charities. They know that money can’t ever bring you happiness. If you have the power to buy and do anything that you want, what else have you got left to do? Money is just a tool. And it can be used for either good or for evil.

When my cousin learned that I fancied Richard, he told me the most hurtful thing. He said, ” Why do you choose him? Your father and sister are lawyers. Your family has money. Why would you choose a simple guy like him?” And I remember getting angry and sad at the same time. I educated my cousin and told him, ” It’s not the money that matters. It’s the person that matters. I just like him because of the way he is.” That seemed to have shut my cousin up.

The thing is, I don’t have a clue why I like Richard. He’s not rich. He’s cute but he’s simple. He’s just a simple man. I take up the subject of Buddhism with him, and sometimes he can’t relate. He’s just a simple guy with simple needs. And that’s why I think I’ve fallen for him.

Sometimes I struggle with my feelings for him. I don’t want to feel something for him. I feel as if he’s not the man that I’m looking for. But I realize that I tend to think this way when my ego or my thinking mind takes over. My thinking mind wants this kind of guy: a guy who is a professional, a guy who has a direction in life, a guy who has goals and ambitions, a guy who is able to talk to me intellectually. But then, my heart says a different thing.

My heart has chosen Richard. And my heart feels that I need someone like Richard in my life. Someone simple and down-to-earth. Someone who isn’t complicated. A person who somehow complements me. I tend to complicate things and over analyze things. Richard breaks down complex things into simple things. I tend to be an impulsive shopper who likes to shop like there’s no tomorrow. Richard is practical and tries to think about ways of budgeting his money.

The third to the last time Richard and I spent together, he invited me to dine with him at a road-side eatery. When I met him, he didn’t put on any nice clothes. He just came in short pants and a sleeveless shirt. He wore flip-flops. Since I was on my way to work, I was in my work clothes. I was overdressed for the occasion but I didn’t mind the fact that we were spending time at a place where cars would pass by. I’m never self-conscious when I’m with him. Not with the way I dressed though.

We enjoyed our short time together talking about nonsense. It wasn’t really the conversation that mattered but the company. I knew that Richard had a limited budget. I was touched when he asked to pay. I tried to hold back my tears. I knew he had barely enough money for himself but he was willing to pay for my food. It was a gesture that I would never forget.

When it was time to say goodbye, I felt so sad. I told him, ” I don’t want to go to work.” And he told me, ” You still have work. You’ll be late if you don’t go to work.” I didn’t know how to cross the street. He accompanied me and shielded me from the passing cars. While crossing the street, I panicked and shrieked. I saw that his hand tried to move. He was probably going to hold my hand to guide me. But I saw that he held back.

Richard escorted me to my car. We weren’t able to say our goodbyes. It was strange, but it happens a lot with us. We don’t say goodbye. Seeing that I was safe, he took off without even looking back. We’ve made a habit of that. I’d either do that to him, or he’d do that to me. We never formally say goodbye.

It’s so painful to say goodbye to him. I want to see him everyday but I don’t think I can stand the feeling of saying goodbye to him at the end of the day. So, I’d rather not see him everyday because it would mean by the end of the day, we’d have to say goodbye.

I don’t know what purpose Richard serves in my life. All I know is that ever since I met him, I haven’t been the same. I haven’t looked at the world the same way. And when I’m with him, I start to appreciate the little things and the small things. I start to look at my life with a new pair of eyes. And I feel grateful for him and for the life that I’ve been given.

When I try to compare the kind of man I’m supposed to be with and the kind of man that my life needs, there’s a huge disparity. Sometimes, what we need and what we want has a huge gap. And if you are able to understand the nature behind your need and your want, that’s when you’ll find happiness.

T’ien-t’ai (538-597) says in Great Concentration and Insight, “The ignorance and dust of desires are enlightenment, and the sufferings of birth and death are nirvana

I had another one of those ‘Eureka’ or ‘Aha’ moments but this time it was in the shower. I just started thinking about how my life has progressed since I became a Buddhist. I started crying tears of joy mixed with sadness. I just never thought that my life would completely make an unexpected turn. I would have died by now.

Several months ago, my psychotherapist told me that she was going to prescribe me anti-depressants.

” I think you’re depressed. You need to take anti-depressants.”

” I don’t want to take it yet. Isn’t there some sort of alternative? Something that isn’t that drastic?”

” Well, we could put you on brain vitamins. It will keep you active. Let’s see how you react to it. But if that doesn’t work, we have to try the anti-depressants.”

” I’ve heard so many negative things about it.” I was very unsure. ” I don’t want to be dependent on any drugs.

The doctor explained to me that I’ll only be taking it for six months up to a year. She assured me that it wasn’t habit forming. But she warned me that during the first few weeks, my symptoms would get worse. Then when my body has gotten used to the drug, I will start to feel and get better.

” For the first few weeks, there’s a possibility that you would be suicidal. But after that, you’ll brain chemistry will start to change. And you’ll feel better, ” she explained. She sounded very business-like about it. ” But for the first few weeks, as your brain adjusts to the drugs, your symptoms will get worse. You might even be suicidal. But it will get better in the end.”

My doctor really wanted me to start taking the pills but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to end up like one of those people who are desperate enough to find happiness in a bottle of pills. I knew it wasn’t the answer. So I asked her to give me more time. She prescribed me brain vitamins. The kind that would make me feel active and better. But it wouldn’t be a cure to depression. It would only delay it. I took her prescription and bought the drug.

Once I started taking the brain vitamin, my symptoms got worse. I did become more active, but whenever I sat still, the thoughts would just come racing into my head. By just sitting still, a thousand thoughts would come rushing into my head. I had no power to stop them. I just sat there and allowed the thoughts to rush in. It was as if a dam had burst. My thoughts were like a powerful wave of water that would inundate my head. No one can stop water from flowing. I had no way to stop my thoughts from entering my mind. If that had persisted, I would have lost my sense of self and lost my sanity.

I thought that I would kill myself. I was sure of it. I was no longer happy. I was unhappy. And I was in pain. I wanted to end my pain. Just when I thought I had lost all hope, my cousin gave me a most wonderful gift. My cousin who is my original best friend, gave me the gift of Buddhism.

When I started, I didn’t know what to think. I had read about Buddhism. I have read Buddhist texts. But I never really practiced or lived it. I was one of those people who felt that Buddhism was beyond ordinary people like me. Buddhism is for monks and priests. I was an ordinary human being and I felt that Buddhism had nothing to do with daily life. I’ve heard that Christianity has saved lives. But I never heard that Buddhism could save lives. I never thought that it could save my life.

When I started practicing, I resisted. But I felt that I had nothing to lose. I was already among the walking dead. How can you kill someone who is already dead? And so, I tried practicing and tried reading about it. The first few months were the hardest months of my life. I had to fight with my inner demons. But I persisted. And soon enough, I started to understand the nature of my life. And soon, I started living again.

I am no longer depressed, although there are times when I allow myself to feel sad and desperate. But I no longer have this urge of ending my own life. I respect my life. And for the first time, I started embracing all the hurts and all the pains.

I thought that Buddhism is all about denying yourself– denying pleasure, denying desires, denying one’s body. But I was wrong in that assumption. Buddhism is about accepting oneself. It’s about accepting that we have cravings, and that we have desires and we have needs. It’s about accepting our humanity. I thought that Buddhism was about ignoring the pain. I am wrong about this too. True Buddhism is about accepting the pain and understanding the pain.

Buddha once said that life is suffering. Some writers say that this is a misinterpretation. Perhaps, they say, Buddha said ” That in life, there is suffering.” There lies the difference. When you take the first phrase that ‘life is suffering’ you limit your experience to that. Life isn’t all about suffering. There is great happiness, joy, love and kindness. Life is filled with many other things aside from suffering. But when you say, ” In life, there is suffering,” it’s like you are acknowledging that in life, we do suffer. But there is a path that leads to the eradication of suffering. And that is through understanding the nature of suffering. Buddha added that desire leads to suffering, and only through eradicating desire, can you be free from suffering.

I do disagree with this part, and perhaps again, this is another misinterpretation. During my bath when I took a shower, I realized that desire doesn’t have to be negative. I agree that the ‘want’ and the ‘craving’ creates so many complications. But I realize that desire in itself isn’t bad. Why should we shun our very nature? To be human is to have desires. Why should we ignore that part of our very nature?

There’s a Buddhist sect in Japan called Nichiren Buddhism. Unlike the other branches of Buddhism, this one is different. According to Nichiren, ” Desire is enlightenment.” It took me a while to understand it because it somehow went against the other Buddhist schools. Then during my bath, I realized what he meant.

When we allow ourselves to desire or to want, we can achieve enlightenment when we look behind the reason for wanting or for needing. When we try to understand why we crave or want, that’s when enlightenment comes in. And by enlightenment, I don’t mean the realization of the nature of life in general. By enlightenment, I mean the realization of the nature of one’s own life.

Mahayana Buddhism unlike Theraveda Buddhism doesn’t dismiss everyday realities as unnecessary or devoid of meaning. Not everyone can give up their lives and become a monk. Although it is a noble pursuit to find enlightenment by being a monk or by isolating oneself from the world, one need not find sanctuary inside a Buddhist temple to find enlightenment. By living one’s life, one can find enlightenment.

Desire itself is noble. Desire leads one to be a better person. If Buddha didn’t have this desire to understand the nature of life and of suffering, he would never have started this movement that completely revolutionized humanity. It was desire that led Buddha to seek out the truth. And because of his desire to find greater meaning in his life and in life in general, he founded a movement which allowed millions to free themselves from pain and suffering.

I discovered that humor can also be a defense mechanism. I wish I discovered it a long time ago. It’s ironic that I discovered it only recently, just when I discovered Buddhism. Humor should have been indispensable to me back when I was depressed. I could have used a little humor.

I’ve always had a funny side but it usually came out on Sundays. That’s the time when I made jokes. I was an insult comic. I was pretty witty and funny too. But I usually would crack a joke on the weekends. Because the rest of the week, I was busy being depressed. But I realize that humor would have at least made my life easier. Instead, I discovered it as a defense mechanism just recently.

When I’m feeling blue, I just try to joke or find some funny thing about my situation. I never did that before. When there was something sad and absolutely depressing, I’d allow myself to be affected. I still get sad even now that I’m a Buddhist but it disappears quickly because I often use humor or understanding to deal with the strong emotion. It’s more effective than wallowing or trying to remain in a state of self-pity.

I wonder if Shakyamuni Buddha had a sense of humor. He probably did. Of all people, the Buddhists should know that life shouldn’t be taken seriously. We fall, we crack a rib or two but we gather ourselves together and stand up.

Life is too short to waste it worrying. I’ve spent several years of my life trapped in self-pity and depression. But I say, never again. Not if I can help it. With Buddhism and a sense of humor as my tools, I’m more than equipped to deal with life.

I feel so sad for the marines who got beheaded. They were ambushed while trying to find a kidnapped priest. They were on a routine patrol when they got fired upon. I feel so sad not because they met such violent deaths. It is to be expected of soldiers to meet such kinds of death. What was so sad was how their dead bodies were mutilated and desecrated. Some bodies were unrecognizable because they were torn into bits.

Being a Christian, I would never have understood why God allows such a thing to happen. When I was still a Catholic, I was led to believe that God is a just and kind God. God is a merciful God. But it never made sense. Not at all. Why would God allow such bad things happen to good people?

But since I’m now a Buddhist, I understand why bad things happen to good people. Things happen because of the law of karma. The law of cause and effect is supreme. No one escapes it. That’s why the saying, ” Live by the sword, Die by the sword,” is apt especially for soldiers.

Soldiers have chosen a dangerous and often violent path. It is their choice to live such a life. And it is to be expected if they die such terrible and oftentimes brutal deaths. And God’s mercy has nothing to do with it. It all comes down to one’s choice. They chose such a life. They chose that path.

I cried when I heard about the news. I have patients who were soldiers. Some of them had no choice but to become soldiers because they hadn’t gotten a proper education. Some of them chose to become soldiers to follow in the footsteps of their fathers. Some just chose it out of idealism– the love of country and freedom. But I’ve noticed that when I talked to them, almost all of them have this dark and oftentimes fatalistic humor. But then, the humor, that is what keeps them going. They can still joke about it.

One of my patients who suffered from traumatic brain injury would laugh at his condition. Half of his body was paralyzed and he could barely walk by himself. He would often joke about his condition, ” At least, when I’m dead, my wife will get pension for life. That’s a good deal considering.” It seemed inappropriate but it was still a joke. And he would smile and laugh about it.

I asked his young wife what he was like before he got sick. She said, ” He was a lot more serious. He was a loner and he was the silent-type.” But ever since his injury, her husband has had a happier disposition. He smiles often and he jokes often.

” I used to know how to play the guitar,” he once reminisced. ” I was a really good guitar player. People would often ask me to play for them.” Then he looked at his hand, the hand that barely moved. ” Sometimes I can’t control them, they move on their own, ” he said about his limbs. I realized then that it was frustrating for him but he understood and accepted it.

Sometimes all that stands between the person and happiness is acceptance. If you accept the law of karma. If you accept that everything is your choice– including your happiness and unhappiness– then you will start to be truly happy.

I cried tears of sadness for the fallen soldiers because I allowed myself to. But I have to remind myself that that is the path that they chose. After I’ve shed my tears for them, I at least feel better that I have allowed myself to feel compassion. Because compassion for other people is hard to do. Because some people would rather turn a blind eye and not feel any compassion for people. They live their lives in total indifference. And I’d rather be sad than be indifferent.

It used to be that I believed only in things that I could observe. I ignored the things that I couldn’t see. I ignored the things that I couldn’t prove. My motto was: Seeing is Believing. But recently, since I became a Buddhist, I realized that there are things beyond the physical real– the realm of feeling, the realm of the soul– that is equally as real as the physical world.

Emotions and feelings cannot be seen or measured and yet they exist. Faith is something that can never be measured and yet it exists. I’m starting to doubt the reality of it all– You don’t need to see in order to believe. Sometimes, feeling that something is real and something is valid is enough.

Faith is believing in the unseen. Faith is believing in something that can only be felt.