It seems so sad that a seemingly happy and funny man like Owen Wilson would attempt to take his own life. One would have looked at him and never would have guessed that he’d try to commit suicide. But that’s what depression does. Basically, depression is spiritual death. And I’ve been there.

No one recognizes a depressed person. A depressed person is the most cunning person of all. They make you believe that they are all right but deep inside they are not. They are the funniest people you know. They never look depressed. Depressed people usually prioritize other people. They don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. And so, they keep their darkest secret– that life has become unbearable for them.

Before I became a Buddhist, I was so unhappy and so depressed. I went to see a psychiatrist. I knew that at one point in my life, I would take my own life. That’s why I sought help. But going to a psychiatrist wasn’t enough.

A psychiatrist could prescribe mood enhancers and anti-depressants, but the doctor can’t cure a dying soul or a dying spirit. Luckily, I found Buddhism.

But it has been tough. Now there are bad days and good days. But I keep on chanting, meditating and reading. Soon, my negative tendencies would dissolve and I’ll be left with the will and the joy to live.

I don’t know what chanting does but it does help cure depression and sadness. And yes, it’s even a cure for heartbreak.

There is hope that a spirit or a soul can come back to life again. As long as a person is willing to believe that things will get better, that there’s a rainbow at the end of a stormy day. As long as a person believes that there are clear skies on a cloudy day. Nothing is impossible. Belief is key. And hope is everything.

No tears are ever wasted if you just believe that God fills your tears. God is everything. God is your thoughts. God is your sadness. God is your tears.

As long as you believe that sadness and sorrow has a purpose, no tears are ever wasted. Everything that we do, as long as we do it with God at the center of our lives, nothing is ever wasted.

Everything has a purpose. Even tragedies have a purpose. Pain and suffering has a purpose. And we never suffer alone. God suffers with us. God feels our pain.

We will never walk alone. We are never alone. As long as we fill our lives with the presence of our being.

A few months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t accept that my own flesh and blood would betray me. I couldn’t accept that my first degree cousin, who I had loved and who I had befriended, would be interested in me in a sexual way.

On the night I found out what my cousin’s intention was, I broke down in tears. I was shivering. My entire body was shaking. I couldn’t accept that he was capable of such madness. I was shaking because I couldn’t accept that it was happening all over again.

When I was four-years old– still too young to understand yet old enough to remember– my own uncle abused me in the most unnatural way. He played with me and he sexually abused me and my relative.

I never talked about it to my family. But I have talked about it to almost all of my friends– all except the friends that have a connection to my family. They all know my history. I never hid it from them.

On the night of my breakdown, my entire body was shaking. I slept to this. When I woke up, my body was still shaking. I couldn’t accept what had happened to me. Then, I realized something very important. I realized that unless I stood up and asked for help, I would completely lose my sanity.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I went downstairs and pretended that I was all right. Outside I was calm. But deep inside, I was trembling. I asked a cousin to drive me to the clinic. He was the first one in our family to know of my breakdown. Later, I would tell my other cousin. They’re the only two people in my family who know of my breakdown.

I consulted with a psychiatrist. She was lovely and calm. She looked like an angel. I felt that she was going to be my savior. She was in a way, my savior. But she’s just one among the many angels who have saved me. I know now that angels don’t just come into your life. If you want salvation, it is you who invite the angels into your life. If you want salvation, you have to allow yourself to be saved.

My psychiatrist mentioned Buddhism. She mentioned something about karmic cycle. At first, it made no sense. She said that what happened to me right now, has a purpose. It was my karma. It happened again to me, because when I was four years old, I had no choice, and I was helpless against incest. It took me a while to absorb all that she had said. But the thing that really gave me hope was when she told me that I had a choice. That I had a choice of cleansing my family tree by planting my own good seed.

She said that I should strive to be the good branch in our dirty family tree. And her words of wisdom have guided me ever since then.

A series of events led me to study and practice Buddhism. I follow the Buddhism of the Middle Way.

But the path has been hard. Right from the very beginning, I had difficulties in practicing. I couldn’t accept the changes in my life. I couldn’t accept my past. I couldn’t accept my fear of happiness. I couldn’t accept my fear of love. When I started, I had rejected life.

But the more I studied, and the more I allowed myself to experience life, the more I realized what Buddhism is all about. Essentially, I discovered what life was all about.

Buddhism as well as life means acceptance. Once I started to understand that, I started to make progress. I started to understand the nature of my life.

Acceptance means accepting everything– that there is suffering and yet that there is more to life than suffering; that unhappiness is necessary in order for us to know real happiness; that fear has a purpose; that love should be at the center of our lives; that happiness is a choice; that there would always be physical death; that pain is a necessity; that tragedies have a purpose; that sadness has majesty; that all the bad things that happen to us has a reason; that humans have desires and needs; that materialism is sometimes necessary; that wisdom should be at the center of our lives.

It took me months to realize this. But when I realized that Buddhism means acceptance, that’s when I could begin my real journey.

There might be good days and bad days but I have accepted that. And acceptance means happiness. And that happiness means acceptance.

I read Eckhart Tolle’s latest book, ” The New Earth.” It’s a follow up to his more popular book, ” The Power of Now.” I haven’t finished reading New Earth yet but there was this particular passage that really struck me.

Eckhart recounted his experience in a subway. He met this woman who was talking to her self. She was arguing by herself. Eckhart observed the woman and realized that she wasn’t that much different from him. Eckhart realized that we are all like this crazy woman talking to herself. We just don’t do it out loud.

Eckhart wrote that we allow ourselves to get carried away by our thoughts, instead of the other way around. Eckhart suggested that we should be the masters of our thoughts, not the other way around. We should bring awareness to our thoughts or even just to our everyday actions. That is enough to stop us from going insane. We should bring back awareness to our self. That should be enough to bring balance into our lives.

I bough this interesting book by Osho. It’s about human intelligence. I read the first few pages and I loved what I read. Osho wrote that there should be a unity between material and spiritual. It’s always the ideal to bring about balance. But then, a few pages later, he allowed himself to be carried away. He started hitting on Christianity.

He wrote negative things about Christianity and about religion. He wrote that wars have been started by Christians. I was a Christian myself and I don’t disagree with him. Christianity has a violent history. But it wasn’t his ideas that affected me, rather the way he presented those ideas.

I put the book down and I couldn’t understand why I felt uneasy. It wasn’t the ideas that he presented that made me feel uneasy. Rather it was the way he presented his ideas that made me feel uneasy. His thoughts had taken flight. It was evident in the pages. There was no doubt that this man was intelligent. But he had allowed his thoughts to take control. His thoughts were like unbridled horses. He allowed himself to get carried away.

He wrote against religion. And wrote against the middle way. It was evident that the man was argumentative and had perceived enemies.

My sibling had introduced me to Osho. I thought that I would like Osho’s ideas since I was open for anything. I do like his ideas but the way he presented it allowed me a glimpse inside his head.

Osho wrote something about not following the Middle Way. He said that the Middle Way is a very hard path to follow. He suggested that we should allow ourselves to just live in both extremes. Be like a pendulum, he wrote. Because if we allow ourselves to remain in the middle, we will not grow.

Although Osho has a point, I greatly disagree with him on this one. I don’t argue with him on the fact of allowing ourselves to feel the extreme left or the extreme right. Existence is all about allowing yourself to feel. I don’t disagree with him on that one. But I disagree with him on not staying in the middle. If there is no balance in our lives. If we allow ourselves to be affected by every circumstance, there would be chaos.

I agree that we should live and accept our existence. I agree that we shouldn’t stop ourselves from feeling desires or urges. I agree that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to live like robots. Ascetism no significance in this society.

But following the Middle Way means seeing both the extremes– living it, understanding it, and yet not be swayed by it. Not to be carried away by extreme happiness or not to be carried away by extreme sorrow. To stay in the middle means to be resilient.

A bamboo grass is very resilient because it sways with the wind. But it is deeply rooted in the ground, in the middle. If there is a strong gust of wind, it bends with the wind but it never breaks. Why? Because it is deeply rooted in the middle. It is deeply rooted in the ground.

Insanity means allowing yourself to live either of the extremes– to live in extreme fear or to live in extreme ecstasy. Insanity means the loss of balance. Insanity means to be carried away by the extremes.

When we allow our thoughts to take flight, we allow ourselves to be controlled or to be swayed by it. If we take control of our thoughts and know the reason behind them, that is the Middle Way.

The Middle Way means to observe. The Middle Way means balance. There can be no doubt that there is duality in the universe. There is left and right. There is correct and wrong. There is good and bad. There is happiness and unhappiness. There is enlightenment and there is ignorance. There is fear and love. There is acceptance and rejection. There is body and soul. There is matter and energy. If there is no middle, no center, would there be duality? Would we even understand the concept of duality? Would there be contrast? Would there be separateness?

I don’t understand exactly why the Middle Way is the right way to start our journey through life. It may take years for me to find the answers. But why is it that we seek balance in our lives? Why is it that we seek equilibrium and peace?

At the end of my journey, I may find that there is no right path or correct path. But at least, we have to start somewhere. And for me, to start in the Middle Way should be a good start.

People often talk about that one particular book that changed their lives. Some were changed by the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Some were changed by Harry Potter books. Others swear that The Catcher in the Rye was the book that changed their life. Some would say that the Koran, The Bible or even one of Buddha’s Sutras changed their perception of the world.

The book that changed my view of the world and started great changes in me isn’t even considered a classic. It’s just a simple autobiographical book written by a simple bloke who lives in England. It’s a very funny book with a very simple message.

In that book, this bloke named Danny Wallace proved a very simple point. His message was this: Say yes more often and life happens to you.

Wallace started an experiment on himself. For one year, he would say yes to everything. Nothing was not important to him. Every opportunity he got, he would always say yes to it. As a result, he would spend thousands on useless merchandise ( which included a crappy car ); do drugs; have sex with strangers; travel outside his country just because someone asked him to do it; or even have his portrait taken with a picture of a dog in it.

Wallace took saying yes to the extreme of course but as a result of saying yes to everything, he got to experience life.

Wallace’s book, The Yes Man, made me realize that I was cloistering myself. I was twenty-eight years old by the time I read the book. I was nursing a broken heart and I tried to shut myself off from the rest of the world.

My routine was very simple. In the mornings I would go to work in the hospital. Then in the afternoons I would go to the gym. This went on and on for two years. And I felt so weary and unhappy because I knew there was more to life than my simple routine.

When I read the book, it got me thinking. I started to realize that I wasn’t saying yes more often. I wanted change in my life but I didn’t do anything to change it. I realized that in order for change to happen, I need to act on it. So, I quit my job at the hospital and found work elsewhere. That’s where I met new friends, learned how to get drunk, learned that I could dance and of course, that’s where I met Richard.

If I didn’t say yes to life and act on it, I would never have experienced life. And who would have imagined that I’d become a Buddhist? No one would have predicted that. Even I didn’t see it coming. And who would have thought that Richard, my former crush, would become one of my closest friends and confidant ( and perhaps something more )?

I wasn’t aware before but now I am. But I realize now, that I was more aware before than I am now. I knew that there was more to life. I knew that happiness was just around the corner. And that took a lot of courage and a lot of faith. I had faith. I had it all along. I acted on that faith, and look at where I am now? I have come so far. And I’m grateful that my twenty-eight year old self had faith in the future. And that’s something I need to get back to. I need faith. And I need to say yes more often!

I think I’m reaching a breakthrough. After many months of fighting my inner demons, I see that the goodness in me is starting to shine.

I thought it was impossible at first. I was sexually abused that made me clinically depressed. I was trapped in a bad relationship for ten years. I thought it was impossible to see the goodness in my reality. But it happened ever so slowly.

My path may not be the path that everyone should take. But I chose this path because this is a path that I feel I have a connection to. I chose Buddhism as my path to self-realization and self-improvement. But it’s been a hard path but now, I’ve reached a milestone.

It happened slowly at first. I didn’t even realize it. But people started to notice my change in appearance. They noticed that my face looked brighter and that I was happier. Then I started to see a change in my outlook and my attitude. It was inconceivable for me to look at the bright side to everything. I was the perpetual pessimist. But now, I’m more of an optimist than a pessimist. And I didn’t even notice the change until someone told me.

A friend told me that I was an optimist. It’s a label that never would have fit my personality. I was depressed and preoccupied with death. That’s why when I started chanting, I started to attract negative entities. I was more attracted to the dark-side of things.

Before I became a Buddhist, I kept a thick book about serial killers. I was fascinated with death and crime. I would follow grisly cases on the internet. I knew the lives of the serial killers. I was into vampire movies and horror movies. I was fascinated by the darkness because I felt that my life was enveloped with it.

When I became a Buddhist, the first thing that changed was my fascination with death. The news about crime and grisly death no longer appealed to me. In fact, I was affected by it.

Then other changes started to happen. I started to see the good in the bad. And I started to see the purpose of people in my life. I always had a self-defeatist attitude. I was always angry with the world. I thought that the world was my enemy and that no one could understand me. I thought that no matter what I did, I had no choice in it. I would always be who I am. But that also slowly changed.

As I begin to chant and to read more about Buddhism, the more insight and the more changes I see in my self. I get sad still but I don’t spend a whole day or a whole week brooding over the bad things that have happened to me. In fact, I recover rather quickly. Even with my anger. I get angry but then it just disappears. I bear no grudges. After my anger ceases, realization takes place.

I never would have thought that it was possible to see changes inside and outside of myself. Nine months ago, I would have laughed at all the things that have happened to me. I would have thought that it was impossible. But so much has happened to me. And most of them, if not all of them are good. Yes, there were bad things that happened but it was all necessary. Both the good and the bad are necessary to achieve realization.

I still have fears but I don’t allow it to stop me from becoming a happier person. I  may get sad but at least I know how to accept it. I may have physical aches and pains but I always look at the bright side of things now.

I have asthma. And strangely enough, I am grateful for my asthma because every time I have an asthma attack, it reminds me how lucky I am that I am still alive. It reminds me to take care of my body. It also allows me to slow down. Some would think that it’s a bad thing to have physical sickness, but if you know the purpose behind it, it will no longer burden you.

I’ve achieved a breakthrough today. I have a feeling that this progress will continue on for the rest of my life.

From now on, I will always strive to be a more positive person. I will always strive to be happy. Happiness is God’s gift to all of us.

 It is not so easy to walk the Middle Way. It’s the hardest path to walk. Anytime, you could fall off if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes courage to walk the middle way. And it takes determination.

I’ve been reading spiritual books. And I’m currently reading a book titled Enlightenment Made Simple written by Vikas Malkani. He mentions the great spiritual leaders of humanity– Jesus Christ and Buddha. He has described Enlightenment in a way that is understandable. And since I’m starting to be awakened myself, at least, I know that I am not losing my sanity. That the things that I have been experiencing are valid and true.

 Ever since I became a Buddhist, strange things have happened in my life. My mind could not accept the coincidences that have been happening to me. But as our Buddhist leader said, there are no coincidences. Everything that happens to us, happens for a reason.

 I’ve been chanting a lot. And the more I chant, the more I realize things. It happens spontaneously and I always feel a wave of energy when I make that realization. And if I try to think about it, I could hardly accept it. But if I feel it, I know that it is valid and true. It would seem that only my heart can accept it. My mind, which has been conditioned for years not to believe, will always resist.

Several weeks ago, I came upon a realization that everything was an illusion. I was walking and I found myself fading. It was a strange sensation. I was dreaming and yet I was not dreaming. I was awake and yet I was not awake. And because I couldn’t accept it at that time, I was afraid. I became very afraid.

I was scared that I would disappear. That I was getting out of touch with reality. But strangely enough, I knew that it was real and yet it was not real. Ever since I started chanting, I’ve felt that life is a dream and not a dream. That everything is an illusion. That I am an illusion. But because my mind couldn’t accept it at that time, I became very fearful.

For a time, I became very sad. If life is but an illusion, what’s the use of living? Why should I continue to go on living? If everything is but a dream, and I know it is but a dream, why should I continue?

Then I started to get unhappy again. And I feared what I learned. I thought I was hopeless. I didn’t want to live anymore. But then came a feeling inside of me. Perhaps deep inside of me, I still want to live. So, I started chanting and slowly, I began to find myself again.

If you take Buddhism to the extreme, you can sense that it can be nihilistic. But I know that it’s just a phase in my awareness and realization. It’s just one of the many steps that I have to take in order to reach the summit. It’s just a path to self-discovery. And strangely enough, in order to find your true self, you have to lose your self, then you have to go back to your self.

I’ve been reading the book and the author mentioned that our reality is an illusion but it doesn’t mean that we should’t still try to live in this world. This world is the world of action. This is where the Law of Karma takes effect. This is where our desires and dreams are manifested physically. 

I feel in my heart that there’s a reason why I exist. I am meant to experience being human. I am meant to experience pain, suffering, unhappiness, sorrow. But I am also meant to experience love, happiness, joy and gratitude. And without my negative experiences, I would never fully appreciate the positives in my life. So everything has a reason. Nothing is ever wasted in the universe.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet but slowly I am beginning to understand that we are meant here to find God in everything. We are meant to live out our dreams. We are here to exist.  We are here to live and to feel life.

I know that with more chanting and more experience, I will come to realize my purpose in life. And yes, it would be wonderful to feel what the author has mentioned– to find God in everything. How wonderful that would be. But what’s most wonderful would be to find God in my own existence.

I am equipped with knowledge now. But I have to learn how to live it.

Perhaps soon, I will feel that bliss of knowing my true self and of knowing God. And I know that my life will come full circle, as it always does. I will find that in my quest for God, God was within me all along. But I still need to take that journey. I need to experience life.