I miss my old life. I miss the predictability of it all. After I broke up with my EX, I spent four years of my life recovering from my wounds. So, I spent those years living a life of predictability. After work, I’d go to the gym at exactly 5 PM and go home two or three hours later. Then, the next day, I’d go to work again. In the afternoons, I’d spend it in the gym. This went on for several years. I still miss that life.

The only thing is, I felt half-alive. But at least, my world was predictable. I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel. I didn’t let anyone in. Although I met new friends, I still kept the old friends. I’d be very fearful if I go home past eleven PM. My father would call me if it was past my curfew. I didn’t drink any alcoholic beverages. I never went to the disco. I shunned crowded places. If I saw a stranger, I was never friendly. I interacted only with people I wanted to interact with. I felt like an automaton but somehow I preferred the life that I have then over the life that I have now.

Ever since I became a Buddhist, my life crumbled. Of course it was already crumbling even before I became a Buddhist. It was only a matter of time before it did. I could never escape my past. I was wounded for life.

But as soon as I became a Buddhist, my perception about the world changed. In fact, my perception about my existence changed. I realized that my life was an illusion. That I am an illusion. That everything around me is an illusion. I couldn’t accept it at first. I thought I was real and that my suffering was real. I can’t put it exactly into words but I can try to sum it up. Life is a dream but not a dream. It is real and yet it is not.

When you become a Buddhist, everything changes. Your world changes. And everything that you thought you knew is wrong. And you have to deal with the fact that you know nothing. And you have to start from scratch.

Last night I had a conversation with one of my colleagues. I told her about my Buddhism experience.

” At least you found something that makes you happy, ” she said.

” Yes it does. But then, Buddhism is different. It changes you drastically,” I said.

” What do you mean?”

” If you met me a year ago, I was this introverted girl who never spoke to anyone unless I knew them personally. I was shy and barely spoke to people. I repressed my emotions. I was like a robot.”

” What happened?” she asked.

” A lot of things happened. Buddhism happened. Once I became a Buddhist, I changed. My entire perception changed. If you’re not ready for the change and if you’re not ready for the realization, you’d go crazy. The truth is really hard to take.”

There are times when I regret becoming a Buddhist. I sometimes want to go back to the way I was. Back when I was an automaton. Back when my life was predictable. I was unhappy but so what? At least I was happy in my unhappiness.

Buddhism is so hard. Your enemy is your own self. I have to deal with my negativity everyday. There are times when I achieve rapture. There are times when I am overflowing with happiness from within. I feel grateful for the life that I’ve been given. And when I thought I have finally understood life, I’m humbled again.

Buddhism forces you to accept your humanity. It forces you to accept who you are. It forces you to accept suffering and unhappiness. The world outside of yourself becomes a mirror of the world inside yourself. And people and circumstances become a mirror of who you are inside.

You can never judge people. For you are them, and they are you only in a different form. And you start to think, would you really have done anything different given the same circumstance? You can never judge people. You can only feel compassion for them.

I know that someday soon, I will achieve total enlightenment. But for now, I have to totally accept my changed reality.

I had breakfast early yesterday morning with my work mates. We’re the closest group ever. Since we started work four months ago, we’ve been inseperable. We hang out together. We eat breakfast together. We talk together. We laugh together. We’re the closest team in the office. Everyone notices us immediately.

I decided to buy the group some ice cream. They shouted and thanked me profusely for the dessert.

One of our work mate, M, has a father who is sick with cancer. Since the hospital was just a few meters away, we decided to visit her father.

When I saw M’s father, I was immediately surprised. He looked frail and sick. He was only in his sixties but he looked like he was in his seventies or in his eighties. His stomach was bloated and he was skinny. There was an oxygen tube attached to his nostrils.

M’s father was sick and perhaps dying but he still has retained his sense of humor. He still commented about the tv show he was watching. He hadn’t lost his charm.

I felt so sad for M. M is really close to her father and mother. No one wants to see their loved ones needlessly suffer. M confessed that she would rather have her father die than to watch him suffer.

” He fell and he hit his head. We thought he was going to die,” she revealed.

” What happened?” Someone asked.

” He was walking and he slipped. He fell. We thought he had stopped breathing.”

M revealed that his father is very frail and that he has broken almost every bone in his body.

” The cancer has spread to his bones. And the doctors say that he has less than four months to live. But he has lived for two years since his diagnosis.”

No one wants to see suffering in action. No one wants to see physical suffering. I feel so sad for M and for her father. Sometimes, it makes you wonder why suffering was created. Is suffering really necessary?

I of all people should know the truth. Suffering has a purpose. I know that. But sometimes, it’s just to hard to accept that. It’s too hard to accept that we create our own suffering. And yes, even physical suffering, it’s one of our illusions too. But what a convincing illusion it is. For when we suffer inside, the whole world sees our suffering too.

I feel great compassion for my friend M. I can sense that she loves her father. She has seven other half-siblings but none of them ever showed up.

This morning, I prayed for M so that her siblings would help her financially. I also prayed for her father’s healing.

I feel great sadness for her. And I am moved to tears. Yesterday, I saw and felt so much love in the room. M loves her father and her mother loves her father. There was so much love in the room. I felt that that love was capable of saving their father.

I can only offer tears and prayers. But at the end of the day, it is M who has the power to change her karma. And it is only M who will understand the meaning of the suffering that surrounds her.

I will continue to pray for M. Perhaps even offer her my prayer. Because of her suffering, I am now more aware that I too should show more love for my parents. My parents are getting older. Soon enough they too would get sick and die.  I have to accept that. That’s why I must strive hard everyday to spend more time with them. And to appreciate them.

My parents were destined to become my parents. I was destined to become their daughter. I should be brave enough to show them my love and appreciation. For this lifetime is very short. And soon, very soon, we all fade away.

My workmates want me to go out with this other guy at work. They think we’re a match. This new guy reminds me of my EX boyfriend. They have the same features. I have talked to him and he seems like a smart guy. My ego agrees with him but my heart loves someone else.

I love Richard. And sometimes I wish I didn’t love him. We’re at this point in our relationship where we’re in a stalemate. We can’t move backward and we can’t move forward. All it takes is a little honesty and then perhaps there’s going to be progress in our relationship. But I’m such a coward. Can I really say to a man that I love him without knowing if he loves me in return? Am I willing to take that risk? What if he’ll tell me that he doesn’t love me? What if he can’t love me back? Will I be able to take it?

I’m going to go out on a date with two guys. I don’t particularly like them. I’m not particularly attracted to them. But I feel that it’s something I have to do. I love Richard but I’m confused as to what we really are.

I know I’m the only cause to my own unhappiness. My heart tells me to just risk it. But my mind tells me to hold back. And now I have made myself unhappy for not being honest about how I really feel.

I could be leaving in a couple of months. And I hope that I’ll still have time to tell Richard how much he means to me.

I know that it is wrong to be attached to someone. When you’re a Buddhist you’re supposed to understand that relationships are temporary. And that attachments will just pull you down. But a part of me has accepted that I’m only just human. What’s the use of feelings and emotions if you’re not supposed to feel them?

When I remember and am aware of the true nature of life, I feel grateful. I feel so happy every moment. But there are times when my mundane existence drags me down.

But should I risk falling in love? Or should I just try to live a life of a coward? That’s the question I have to answer soon.

I don’t even know why I love him. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. I just know that I do. My heart knows something that I don’t. I don’t even understand why I can accept him. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love him. But my heart loves him. And I’m not happy if I try to unlove him. And so I continue to love him.

I’ve been reading Buddhist books written by Buddhists monks. Some of these books are written by monks who practice Theravedan and Tibetan Buddhism. Their words make sense to me but somehow, I have a feeling that although they know what they are talking about, they somehow can’t understand how to reach the common masses.

Monks have chosen a noble path. They have decided to shun society and live in seclusion to attain enlightenment. It takes so much courage to leave everything you’ve known and go on a journey to self-discovery.

But it takes more courage to live in this society and still try to attain enlightenment. I know there are people who live among us who have already gained true enlightenment. These people have chosen to still live in this society. These people are strangers to us, yet they live among us.

I am somehow hoping that I too can achieve enlightenment and yet still live in this reality.

There must be a reason why we were born humans. There must be a reason to our suffering. Maybe we are not meant to shun society. Maybe we are meant to live here in this reality and experience life. Maybe we’re born into this world to experience tears, sadness, joy, laughter, pain, suffering and happiness. Maybe the reason for our existence is to just exist.

Ever since I started practicing Buddhism, I realized how pain is necessary in order to understand happiness. Osho wrote that without suffering there is no bliss. I could never understand it at first, but now I’m starting to.

Maybe we are born here in order to feel. We are born here to be alive. We are born to love. We are born to experience all sorts of things. Perhaps the secret is to know this and yet to be aware that our pain and misery has a purpose. That the tears that we cry has a purpose. That attachment to this life has a purpose.

At first, I wanted to escape reality. I wanted to practice the austere kind of Buddhism. But now I’ve realized that there is no need to. I have all the tools necessary in order to achieve enlightenment in my present incarnation. There’s no need to go on a journey. I can start right here, right now. I can start with who I am. The starting point is the here and now.

I think I understand what Osho wrote about staying in the middle. He wrote that one shouldn’t stay in the middle or one shouldn’t be too safe. Osho said that we should live life to the fullest– live both extremes if we have to. He wrote that there is no growth when you stay in the middle. And all that you need in this life is to live your life but live it with awareness of your being.

At first, I didn’t agree with Osho. I thought that I should try to distance myself from life. Or avoid pain and suffering if I have to. But Osho wrote that without suffering there is no bliss. And I tried to understand his words. I tried to live it. And he was right.

The Middle Way doesn’t mean staying safely in the middle and detaching yourself from reality. The Middle Way means to live your life and to allow yourself to live life. It’s not about not feeling anything. It’s not about detachment. But it’s about knowing that pain is only pain. That laughter is only laughter. Sadness and tears are only that.

It’s knowing that the tears that you cry has a purpose. That anger has a purpose. And to know that love has a purpose.

The thing is, we should just live life yet we should keep in mind that life is temporary. Life is not a permanent state. We should be grateful that we’ve been allowed to feel emotions. We should be grateful that we were born human.

To be human means to cry when you’re sad. To laugh when you’re happy. To hurt when you’ve been hurt. And to love when you should.