If ever there’s a movie that would sum up the story of my life, it would be SHOPGIRL. When I saw the movie, I thought that they were filming my own life. I was the Shopgirl.

I was the lonely and depressed girl on the film. I was that girl who felt dead inside. There was a scene where the Shopgirl was lying in bed and dreaming of possibilities that would never come. I was the girl who painted by herself. The girl who read books before she slept. I was the one who lived and yet not lived.

There was a scene when the Shopgirl suffered from a bout of depression. She couldn’t move. She just stayed in bed and was catatonic. There was a point in my life when I was like that. I just curled up into a little ball and stayed in bed. I didn’t want to stand up. I just wanted to stay in bed. I was extremely depressed and unsure if I would survive another day. I would cry myself to sleep. When the morning came, I’d be sad again. And I’d be wondering if I’d make it to the next day.

But in the end, the Shopgirl found true love. And that changed her. And she no longer became depressed. The story had a happy ending.

If I hadn’t met Buddhism, I would still be depressed right now. Or worse, I’d be dead. Buddhism is just a tool. But actually, I wanted change in my life. When you welcome change, when you are ready for it, it will just come to you. And it came in the form of Buddhism, new friendships and new relationships.

Depression is spiritual death. And I had to come to the point of death to find my way back to life again. There is life after death. And I found life through Buddhism.

My most popular post in this site is my post titled, ” Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend.” I receive more than ten hits a day for that page. I guess heartbreak indeed is universal.  As much as I would want people to read my other posts, I can’t stop them from viewing that page. And perhaps by reading that page, they will read my other posts as well. So any attention to this blog is gladly welcomed.

I realize now the necessity of that heartbreak.  It took me years to overcome that heartbreak. But I know the reason for that pain. It prepared me for Richard. Because of the pain that I went through, I realized what love is not.

I may not know everything about love. But because of my heartbreak, I know what love is not.

If you ask me if I had loved my ex boyfriend, I’d give you two answers. I’d answer, ” Yes and No.” I did love him and yet I didn’t really love him. I loved him the way I knew how to love him. I was nineteen and I had no idea how to love.  I loved him the best way I knew how. But it was love that was not fully aware. It was love that was selfish. It was love that was cruel.

In a way, that love wasn’t true love. It was love but it was not real love. But that was love nonetheless.

I loved my exboyfriend, when I didn’t know much about love yet. I was not ready to love.  I was unprepared to love. But the pain of that relationship was necessary. It has prepared me to realize what love is.

I couldn’t accept that I had lost my first love. It was the most painful thing of all. I am still healing. Ten years and I am still healing. But love is indeed amazing. Just when you think that you can’t love another, love finds you.

The knowledge of knowing that you are just an illusion is both a joyous occasion and a sad occasion. For to realize that you are an illusion means that you need not suffer needlessly anymore. But it is a sad occasion because you begin to realize that you have suffered needlessly as well.

I cried when I realized the implications of my realization. But at the same time I was happy. I am both happy and sad. A part of me wants to be self-destructive. All these years my life has been a lie, or an illusion. Who is happy with that realization? But at part of me is grateful for being given the opportunity to live.

Today I am more grateful than sad. I am grateful that I was able to experience sadness, unhappiness, joy, laughter and happiness. But most of all, I am happy that I experiened love.

I believe that I chose this existence to experience true love. And I want to follow that path from this moment on until the moment I cease to be.

Yes, ultimately, joy and bliss are but illusions. But knowing happiness, bliss and love is a gift to humanity. I am still grateful for all the suffering I went through. For after the suffering comes wisdom and liberation from pain.

I wonder how many people are already awake from this dream that we call life? I know that there have been others before me who woke up to the true nature of things. There were Buddhas before me and Buddhas after me. But since I have just begun to slowly open my eyes to the true nature of things, I don’t know how to feel. I feel happy and I feel sad.

I feel happy because I realize that I can be above suffering now. I feel sad because my life is just an illusion. I feel sad because I am just an illusion. But what a convincing illusion I am. And what a convincing reality this all is.

I am not yet fully awakened because I still suffer. I still suffer from the burden of my knowledge and realizations. My awakening was gradual. And I chose a vehicle– chanting– to awaken to the true nature of things. But I still feel sad.

I feel sad because all my life, my pain and my sufferings have been unreal. And even the joys and the happiness is not real. And now, I’m questioning whether the love I have for Richard is real or not. It is real but at the same time it is not real. But how I love him so. I truly love him. A part of me wants to shield him from the truth. That’s how much I love him. But a part of me wants to tell him the truth. And  I feel that he chose me as a vehicle to awaken to the true nature of life.

Richard started the chain of awakening. When  I met him, there was something real and not real about him. There were too many coincidences when we’re together. They call it synchronicity. There were instances when I felt that he was made up. That the scenario that we were together was made up. That he was a dream and yet not a dream.

Then I heard about The Secret. The Secret revealed that everything that you wish for  will be granted. I started to question and doubt it but it is the truth or at least part of the truth. My wishes so far have been granted– the trip to Europe, meeting Richard, etc.

And once you question why, you get to the truth or at least the other part of the missing puzzle. We are creators of our lives because the reality that we live in is one big illusion. We are dreamers who are living in a dream. And yet, it is an illusion that is so elaborate that we have forgotten the truth.

And even that is still not the whole truth. It is just part of the truth. I don’t know as to why the illusion was created or why suffering was created. Is suffering necessary? Is joy and bliss necessary? Is my awakening necessary? How should I live my life?

I have so many questions in my mind. But at least, I am luckier than some. Some have awakened to the truth and feel so alone. It must be a scary thought to wake up from a dream and to know that all the while, you were dreaming.

I’m lucky because I found Buddhism. It’s a sort of a shield. Without it, I would have lost my sanity. It makes sense why Buddha calls himself the awakened one.

I know that it is just part of my process of awakening. But I feel so sad and so lost. It’s like finding yourself in the middle of the ocean and the sight of land is several thousand miles away. You don’t know which way to go.

Now that I  know part of the truth, I can’t go back.  I can only move forward.

My colleague’s father died. He was suffering from cancer for two years before he finally succumed.

Our colleague, M, talked about her father, ” He was this jolly fellow. He was a joker. Even when he was sick with cancer, he’d still joke around.”

And it got me thinking. How would I want to be remembered when I pass away? What would I want people to remember about me?

Back when I was a Catholic, I remembered this particular sermon. I never listen to homilies, but at that time, I listened to it and paid attention to what the priest was saying.

” You must all remember, ” the priest said. ” That when it’s time to go, you can’t take anything with you, not even a backpack. When you pass away from this world, when you cease to exist, you can’t take your clothes, your money, your things. You started in this world with nothing and you will end with nothing.”

The Buddhists keep mentioning that as well. I read a Buddhist author. He wrote, ” When we pass into this world, we must allow our souls to be untainted by this reality.”

How do I want live my life? How do I want to be remembered? I have to ask myself that. I have to seek out the answers to these questions.

We start with nothing. We end with nothing. We must realize that we exist for a purpose. We are here perhaps to learn, but after that is over, after our learning has stopped, we must realize that we can’t take our material possessions with us. We leave with the fullness of our existence nothing more, nothing less. But we also must remember not to be dragged down by it.

Everything has a purpose. Our life has a purpose. We must live our life with purpose. And we must seek out the answer to these questions: How would we want to leave this world? How do you want to be remembered? How would you like to live your life? Do you want to leave this life happy?

My life changed drastically since I became a Buddhist. I never believed it at first that just by repeating a mantra over and over again, I would gain unimaginable insight into the nature of existence. Ever since I became a Buddhist, I realized that I knew nothing. And I have to start from scratch.

I also have to learn to live with my negativity. I’ve experienced days when I’d be overflowing with positivity and gratitude. People would notice it in my appearance. Something is just different. But sadly, I am only human. And my negativity somehow manages to pull me back down to earth again.

I realized that I’ve been so keen on increasing my spirituality but I forgot to take care of my body. The night shift exactly hasn’t been good for my body. And ever since I worked at a call center, I started getting asthma attacks. I don’t want to ignore my body anymore. I’ll start taking care of it once I get well.

Right now, I’m having a hard time breathing. I feel as if my lungs are drowning. And breathing is such a struggle, I wonder if I’ll reach my thirtieth birthday.

There are times when I’m emotionally and physically exhausted that I just want to give up. I’ve lived long enough. But then, a part of me, wants to experience the joys of motherhood and of being a wife. I really want to have a happy family. Something that I never really had while growing up. My parents were absentee parents. And I used to be an affectionate child. But I was mostly ignored while growing up.

I want to raise a loving family and a happy family. And to be able to guide my children well. I feel that I know so much about human nature and about humanity in general, that I’m ready to teach my children. And also, because I was inspired by my psychotherapist. She was the one who gave me hope.

At the peak of my nervous breakdown, she said, ” You must plant good seeds. So that you can start a family that is free from all that bad karma.”

My family tree is rotten to the very core. Most of my relatives have something wrong with them. And the worst of that would be incest. But I want it all to stop with me. I want to create something good out of something bad.

In the Lotus Sutra, the phrase ‘turning poison into medicine’ is often mentioned. And during my practice, I’ve experienced that many times. I’ve had moments of profound wisdom that I could see the positive in the negative. I can see the positive in the tragic episodes of my life. There was a time when I was grateful for my childhood trauma. And I still am. That was my karma. And because of it, I was humbled. Because of it, I have become who I am.

My goal is to turn my life around before I hit thirty. I want to completely change my mindset. I want to be more positive than negative. I have experienced negativity for so long now. Unhappiness has dominated my life for more than twenty years now. It’s about time I be happy. And I know I will be happy. I’m already on my way there.

I’m really grateful for Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. That’s our mantra. Nam is a Sanskrit word for devotion. Myoho is the mystic law of the universe. Renge is cause and effect. And Kyo is the universal sound. And I truly believe that it has extended my life.

Several months ago, I would have given up. I was about to take anti-depressants that sadly would have made me dependent on them. My psychotherapist said, ” Once you take anti-depressants, you would become suicidal for the first few weeks of taking it. Then, you will start to feel better. ” I asked, ” How long am I going to take this.” She answered, ” More than six months to two years.”

But at that time, I was already losing hope. I was about to give up. I am sure that if I haven’t found Buddhism, I would have taken my own life.

Depression is spiritual death. And Buddhism has somehow managed to to take me out of that state. I may feel tired right now, but I’m still writing this. And this email has a positive message.

I know that there have been negative feedback on Sokka Gakai. But I’ve learned to live with them. I still don’t agree with institutionalized religion. I don’t want to label Buddhism as a religion because essentially it is not. It’s mental science. It’s the quest for the true self. And religion is about destroying the true self and turning people into sheep. So, essentially, Buddhism isn’t a religion.

Buddhism has removed God from the equation. A non-Buddhist would assume that Buddhists don’t believe in a God. That has been the fallacy so far. Buddhists don’t have to state the obvious. Once you find your true self, it is inevitable that you don’t find God. It’s the old concept of God that Buddhists have discarded.

I am grateful for Sokka Gakai though for bringing an obscure type of Buddhism–Nichiren Buddhism– to the masses. Nichiren was one of the few Buddhist monks who believed that anyone can achieve enlightenment where they are and as who they are. Theravedan Buddhism believes that we should shun reality and our lives to gain enlightenment. But if you try too hard to achieve enlightenment, it escapes you.

Nirvana is a state of finding the happiness within. Of being grateful for the life that you’ve been given. Nirvana is the bliss of the NOW. I’ve experienced moments of rapture and I’m unsure if it’s real Nirvana or just a glimpse of Nirvana. But I know that I’ll eventually find that within me.

According to some Buddhist sutras, when, Buddha revealed his final message, the monks who had gathered to hear him were displeased by his important message. Buddha announced that everyone has the potential of  becoming a Buddha. Everyone has Buddha-nature. And becoming a monk and living a cloistered existence doesn’t have to be the answer. You can unlock the Buddha within just by being an ordinary person. And shunning your life doesn’t have to be the answer.

The Lotus Sutra, some Buddhists claim, is the highest teaching of Buddha. He tried to teach it to his followers for eight years leading up to his death. On his deathbed, it is claimed that BUddha said these words: Be a lamp upon yourselves.

It is true. Buddha was right. With our minds, we create our own reality. It is up to us, to find the treasure within. It is up to us to find the light within. Happiness and unhappiness is just a point of view. And once you know that, you know that happiness and unhappiness is a choice. And I choose happiness.

My friend is curious about Buddhism now. She probably has detected changes in the way I think. But she pointed out a something vital about the perception of Buddhism. And it’s something that every non-Buddhist should know.She thinks that Buddhism is about atheism. She has a point though. She is both wrong and right. Although Buddhism removes God from the equation, Buddhism isn’t about atheism. Buddhists probably are the most aware about the existence of God. But the Buddhists have a different perception of what God is.

I told my friend that Buddhism is about finding the true self. And inevitably, once you dig deeper, you find the existence of God within yourself. How can Buddhism not be about the quest for God? If God is everything, naturally, we are part of God and God is part of us. If you want to discover who you really are, then naturally, you will find God within.

The Buddhists have removed the concept of a typical God: that Supreme Being who has power over everything. And not all Buddhists may know what God really is or understand the concept of God, but Buddhists know what God is not. And sometimes that is enough to understand God.

God is not this supreme ruler who has power over our world. There are laws that were set up. And one of them is the Law of Karma. God is not a puppeteer or the master of everyone. God has created the concept of free will. Since God is a creator and since we are part of God, naturally, we have the ability to create or to shape our own destiny. We can change the world, one person at a time by changing our world within and changing our perception of the world outside of ourselves.

I used to be so connected and so aligned. But recently, due to health issues and stress, I have forgotten how to be in touch with life. I feel like an automaton again. I have forgotten how to live.

It’s hard to know that you are only human. It is hard to accept that we are bound upon the harsh realities of our own existence. And that there will be days when you are feeling good about the world, and days when you feel down.

It is a paradox then, that once we embrace our humanity, we can feel the presence of a higher power–of a God– if you can call it that.

God then is everything. And everything is God. And sometimes I am at awe at all the power and all the order in the universe.

Osho wrote that God is synthesis. God is the coming together. God is unity. And I can sense that it is true. Because when I am truly connected with my own nature, I can sense the power of God within.

I can’t believe that I’m back where I started. Last year, I started out unhappy and now I’m back in that state again. The only difference is, through my journey this year, I was able to experience joy and happiness. It wasn’t meant to be short-lived. But since I allowed my negativity to rule my life again, I inevitably dragged myself down.

The thing that has saved me and continued to save me was hope. But I lost sight of that, until now.

I thought that I was bound to suffer alone. But I was wrong. I’m humbled. I don’t have to suffer alone. And I realize that if I isolate myself from the world, I can’t grow spiritually.

I’ve been so confused and heartbroken lately. I’ve become extremely depressed. And I lost hope again. But all it took for me to bounce back again was a chat with my friend. I called her up just to say hello. I wanted to ask her if she was doing okay. As it turns out, I was the one needing help.

I helped her the last time. She was heartbroken and crying. She was in so much pain. I was there to comfort her. This time around, I was the one crying and in pain. And she comforted me.

I know now that I don’t have to suffer alone. No one has to suffer alone. We are all connected. And people and relationships are mirrors. How will I know what I am inside, if I don’t have feedback from the outside world? How will I test my acquired wisdom if I can’t apply it outside of myself.

The Buddhists believe that the inside and the outside world are interconnected. What you are inside, is what manifests outside of yourself. And vice versa.

No man is an island. I have lost sight of that. I started to believe that I was really alone in my practice. But how sad it is, to be alone and to feel lonely. And now I know that we don’t have to suffer alone. That friends are always there to help you. And friendship and understanding will help you through a really rough patch.