Love always creates fear because love is death, a greater death than the ordinary death you know of. In an ordinary death the body dies, but that is not death at all. Body is just like a dress: when it is tatty and old you change for a new one.
It is not death, it is just a change: a change of a dress, or a change of a house or abode. But you continue, the mind continues — just the same old mind in new bodies, just the same old wine in new bottles. The form changes but not the mind, the shape changes but not the mind.
So the ordinary death is not a real death; love is a real death: the body does not die but the mind dies, the body continues to be the same but the ego disappears.
If you love, you will have to drop all the conceptions that you have about yourself.
If you love, you CANNOT be the ego because the ego will not allow love.
They are antagonistic.
If you choose the ego you will not be able to choose love.
If you choose love you will have to drop the ego.
Hence, the fear….– OSHO on LOVE

So many times, we say ” I love you ” to someone and rarely mean it. Saying it becomes a mechanical act. We say it even though at times we don’t feel it. It becomes automatic.

My EX boyfriend would often say that he loved me. It’s not that he was lying but there would often be a hint of insincerity on his words. His actions were the exact opposite. He would tell me that he loved me and yet he would hurt me.

Love is meant to be shown and felt. Love is not mean to be said. To say ” I love you ” to someone reduces it somehow to just mere words.

My love for Richard is different. I haven’t told him that I love him. And I don’t think I can tell him that I love him. I can’t even write to him about how I feel. All I can do is to show him that I love him. All I can do is to make him feel that I love him. It is a scary thing. Undeclared love is a scary thing. But at the same time it feels right somehow not to tell him but to show him.

I don’t want to be attached to someone. I know that life is temporary. But when I’m with Richard, every second that I am with him, I’m reminded that I should love while I’m still alive. Whenever I’m with him, I’m reminded to stay in the present.

I know that one day I would perish. So that’s why everyday that I’m with him, I try to show him how much I love him. I realize that the right way to love is to love like there’s no tomorrow. For it is true in a way. There is no tomorrow.

The moment we were born, we have already died. I feel like I’m just remembering my existence. I feel as if I’m living a dream. I want to have a dream worth dreaming. I want to love.

I told my friend Mitzi about what happened to me as a child. She said that there was a change in me. A certain positive glow. A certain aura that she was drawn to. And when I told her my story she started to feel sad for me. I felt her sadness and I felt my sadness. I don’t know where the sadness came from but for that moment when we were together, we both felt it.

” You’re so positive. I can’t imagine what you went through. I thought that it only happened in movies. I can’t imagine that someone I know would actually go through that,” she said. She looked at me with a sad expression on her face.

I didn’t want to tell her about my sexual abuse but she couldn’t understand why I kept saying that Buddhism had such an impact on me. And when I told her the real story, she almost cried.

” It’s okay. I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted my karma. I know that perhaps it was something that my ancestor did in the past. I don’t take it personally that I’m the recipient of bad karma,” I told her rather matter-of-factly.

” I don’t think you have really healed completely,” she told me frankly.

When I felt like crying that’s when I knew that she was right. But I was so glad that she pointed it out to me. She was right. Although I accept my karma, I still have to find forgiveness in my heart.

” You’re right. And I thank you for pointing it out. I can’t forgive my uncle yet. I can’t. But I know I’ll get there,” I finally spoke.

Before we left, she gave me a hug and a sad look was on her face.

” I can’t believe that we’re parting on such a sad note,” she said.

” It’s okay. We’ll see each other again.”

” I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel so sad. I feel like crying.”

” It’s okay,” I said.

Mitzi gave me a hug and left.

The sad thing is, Mitzi is so right. I haven’t forgiven yet. And I know that forgiveness is a process. I know that I’ll find that within myself. And if I can truly forgive my uncle, that’s when I can say that I’ve truly healed. But deep wounds take time to heal. I know I’ll get there. I think I’m already on my way to forgiveness.

True forgiveness means understanding. True forgiveness means not taking things personally. But right now, my wounds are far too deep. I can’t forgive my uncle yet. But once I do, I’ll be the happiest person on this earth.

If someone told me a year ago that I’d be happy, I would never have thought it possible. If someone told me a year ago that I’d become a Buddhist, I thought it would be more than impossible.

I have always been depressed. All my life, I’ve been unhappy. But there came a point in my life that I was too tired of being unhappy. And there came a point in my life when I started seeking something better. And so for years, I would pray that I’d finally be happy. And now, finally, I can say to myself that I am. I am so happy where I am right now. And to think, I’m still where I am. I am happy just being who I am. I never thought that it would all be possible.

I was so willing to embrace my suffering. I was so willing to die. But when I realized that life was still worth living, the universe showed me the way how to live.

True happiness has got nothing to do with your earthly possessions. True happiness stems from understanding your life. Once you understand your self and understand the reason for your being, you start being happy.

I’m turning thirty next week but I am so blessed to have found true Buddhism. I am so blessed to finally embrace happiness instead of suffering. I’m so blessed to be alive.

My friend Fifi said that she wants to encourage her parents to change. And she mentioned that her husband told her that it would be impossible for old people to change. I find this so ironic since the opposite is true. It is impermanence that rules everything. The illusion is that people believe that change is not possible when in fact it is change that rules our lives.

Buddhists often speak of impermanence. Change is the only thing that is true. Moment to moment we change. Nothing is permanent. The moment we are born, we change. We grow old, we die. And then we are reborn again. And the cycle repeats itself.

In Nichiren Buddhism they call this ICHINEN SANZEN. It means that there are 3,000 realms in a single moment. What it basically means is that every second, we are in a constant state of flux. Every single moment we are changing. Our cells grow and die. Even our thoughts come and go.

Holding on to the past is useless since the past is an illusion. The only real thing is NOW. And NOW is but a series of moments linked together.

Change in people is not only possible. It is a reality. We change moment to moment. The only real thing is what we have NOW. And even NOW is fleeting. We try to hold on to the NOW but before we know it, it has gone by.

That is why we must be grateful for every second that we are alive. Existence is a privilege. Life is fleeting. I truly believe, that in the grand scheme of things, our existence is but a blink of an eye.

I know this to be true. But sometimes I forget to be grateful for the moments that I am alive. Today, I am worried and depressed again. But I know I won’t remain in this state forever.

There will come a day when I will remain in that state of Nirvana– to be always in a state of awareness to the truth. And once I achieve that state of being, I know that even death would not conquer me. And that is what they call a state of indestructible happiness.