Maybe that’s why I love going to work. I love going to work because it keeps me tied up to my present reality. When I’m at home, usually before I go to sleep, I have some time to reflect on my life. And I feel that although it is important to think about one’s life, over thinking about it  actually poses some problems.

It’s my day off today. That’s why I’ve been thinking more than usual. I usually like to be on the go so as to avoid thoughts. I tend to think too much being an analyst and all. I just have a propensity for overthinking and over analyzing things. It’s not healthy sometimes. It leads me to doubt everything. And it leads me to becoming more depressed.

I think it’s a good thing that I became a Buddhist. My mind is truly untamed. There are times when I can control the flow of my thoughts. But there are just times when I can’t stop it. Usually, when I’m all alone, that’s when my thoughts pop up. And instead of being the master of my thoughts, I become the servant.

A Tibetan monk once wrote that running after thoughts is futile. It’s like a dog running after a stick. Sooner or later when you try to catch up with all of your thoughts, you tire yourself out and you fail to appreciate life. Before you know it, you have wasted the moment.

That’s why I think I should really change my lifestyle. Instead of just lying passively, I should go after my dreams. Chanting isn’t enough without actions. One must never be idle.

I know that is my shortcoming. I procrastinate. And how much time have I wasted, when I should start going after my dreams right now?

I’ve noticed that my post, ” Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend” is the most popular post in this blogsite. I would like to change that someday. I hope that people would come here to read about my views on life. Although my split with my ex-boyfriend was really a monumental event in my life, I hope to be able to move past that. But it would seem that there is no escaping the past. At least, not for now.

The shadow of my past relationship has affected my near-relationship with Richard. I messed up pretty bad with Richard. I hope things can be  mended though. But where to start?

My relationship with Richard was complicated from the very beginning. But unlike my ex-boyfriend, meeting Richard was a really good thing for me. Of course I messed it all up with my paranoia and insecurities. I don’t know if I’ve lost him completely or if it is even worth it to patch things up with him. But because of my disagreement with Richard I was made aware that somehow, my past relationship has still managed to affect my near-relationship with Richard.

It’s really hard to accept this. But I still love my ex. And I know in my heart that I don’t want to go back to him, I realize that I must accept that I still love him and will probably love him for the rest of my life. And yet how can this be? Is it possible to love two people at the same time? It is actually very possible.

If we limit ourselves to loving just one person, we lose out. Of course there are many degrees of love but love is still love. But the thing is, and I need to think hardly on this one. Was I ever in love with Richard? Or did I want to fall in love with him so desperately so I could forget my ex? I have to meditate on this one. I want to find out for sure what Richard is to me. Or if I want him to be part of my story.

I have to repost this. I found this on Oprah’s website. It’s about Ellen De Generes’ meeting with the author of The Four Agreements. It was Ellen who told Oprah about Don Miguel Ruiz’s book. It is so profound yet simple.

UNCOMMON SENSE
Ellen DeGeneres talks to don Miguel Ruiz

	What are don Miguel Ruiz’s four agreements?

Two years ago, Ellen DeGeneres picked up a slim volume by an unknown writer named don Miguel Ruiz. He claimed his book, based on wisdom he’d learned from his elders in Mexico, could change lives—and it did, including, in rather short order, his own. So wowed was DeGeneres by The Four Agreements that she recommended it to Oprah on the air.

These days Ruiz lectures nonstop and has a newer book, The Mastery of Love, based on the same Toltec wisdom of the artists and spiritual seekers from ancient Mexico.

It seemed high time for DeGeneres and Ruiz to meet. Late last spring O got them together for a chat in Los Angeles. Here, the Toltec teacher and the comedienne match wits—and trade wisdom.

You Are the Author
Ellen Degeneres: First of all, I want to say what an honor this is for me. I love The Four Agreements so much that it feels like my book. It feels so personal.

Don Miguel Ruiz: We can say it’s your book.

ED: Okay, do I get residuals? Do I get any money at all?

DMR: Well, we’d have to give it to everybody because it’s everybody’s book.

ED: As soon as I read it, I felt that if I applied these four agreements, I really could change my life, and I did start noticing a difference. Why?

DMR: What it changed is the story of your life. Whatever you perceive, you always make a story with yourself as the main character, and that dictates your life. Then when you read The Four Agreements, you hear another voice beneath the story, the voice that comes from your integrity, your spirit. And by hearing that voice, you know how good and how great you are.

The Mission of Life: Be Happy, Be You
DMR: I can tell you that we have only one mission and that is to make ourselves happy. The only way we can be happy is by being who we are. We create our own story, but society also creates its own story. If you know that, whatever they say will not stop you from being what you are. Just by being what you are, other people will change—but you don’t do it because you want to change them. You do it to make your heart free.

Who You Are
DMR: When we were children, we didn’t know anything. We were like blank computers. Then it’s like someone took a program and put it in our head and this is what we call knowledge. We use knowledge to create a personal story. You face life depending on who you believe the main character is, the way you learned to be. Your father tells you that you are this way. Your mother tells you that you are that way. And that’s what you become.

Love Because You Can
ED: In the book you talk about making yourself happy, and if someone says they love you, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Or if they hate you or they leave you, it’s not about you.

DMR: It’s normal that it hurts. If someone cuts your hand, it hurts. But if you don’t contaminate the wound with poison, it heals fast. And you know, we can write the most beautiful poetry with a broken heart. We can enjoy a broken heart without indulging it.

Be Impeccable With Your Word
ED: Can we talk about the first agreement, which is to be impeccable with your word? People love gossip. It’s the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.

DMR: Be aware that even if you meant your words as honey, other people can turn what you said into poison. You can let them know they can use their words as honey, too—but that’s not the goal. For us to be happy is not dependent on a result but on an action.

ED: That’s really important. I think most people live their life for an end result.

DMR: That’s why they are never happy. Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will not dance but will gossip about those who are dancing. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time.

http://www.oprah.com/obc/omag/obc_omag_200110_uncommonsense.jhtml

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

http://www.businessballs.com/thefouragreementsdonmiguelruiz.htm

Is there ever escaping the self? Can one escape the here and now? I’ve been thinking on it a lot. Is there anything other than the self? Is there escaping the now? The illusion is the past. The illusion is the future. Is there anything other than now?

Perhaps that is what they mean by eternity. Eternity is the eternal now. And with regards to the self, perhaps it is all tied up to the eternal now the way space and time seem to be related. I’ll try to meditate on this more. I hope that I’ll be able to realize the answer.

I am reading up on Vedanta, Tibetan Buddhism and psychology. I don’t really recommend mixing things up, but sometimes I get restless and just pick any book up randomly. I have lots of books that I haven’t finished reading yet but some books have managed to keep me engaged long enough for me to finish it.

I’m now ruminating on the idea of false self and true self. Vedanta is a philosophy that claims that there is only one true self and that is the self that observes everything. The self that we claim to be our true selves is actually just an illusion.

It’s rather hard to digest at this point but I have some idea of it because I read Miguel Ruiz’s book titled, ” The Voice of Knowledge. Ruiz wrote about perception. Everything is perception. And if one person perceives one thing and another perceives another thing, what is true to one is not true for the other. Ruiz calls this individual reality as the ‘dream.’ Buddhists and Hindus call it ‘mara.’

I’m starting to become aware of this ‘witness’ or ‘observer’ part of me. And sometimes, I can detach myself from my current situation and try to look at things objectively. The fact that I can detach myself from my situation means that in a way, we humans have this dualistic nature– the observer and the observed.

I’m still trying to reflect on this. I don’t want to force myself yet. Everything has just happened too fast. I only started chanting about a year ago and now there are so many things that I had to unlearn and many new things I had to learn. And I always try to keep in mind what T.S. Eliot wrote. He wrote :

And the end of all our searching shall be to return to the place where we started and know it for the first time.

Maybe in all my endless wanderings, I will find myself back where I started. And as T.S. Eliot has written, I will find what I’ve been looking for.

I know I’m depressed but unlike the bouts of depression that I had before, I seem to be doing okay. My work life is fantastic. I love work. My family life is okay. I seem to get along with my sister now. We used to argue a lot. But since I’ve read Don Miguel Ruiz’s book titled, ” Voice of Knowledge,” I am more aware of people’s viewpoints.

Ruiz’s book is a real eye-opener. It made me understand the more harder Buddhist topics. Everything really is perception. I remember my cousin used to say that to me. But I could never really grasp it. But now, I understand it fully.

My favorite book of Ruiz has got to be the Four Agreements. It reminds me of Buddha’s 8 Noble Truths. Of course Ruiz has made it a lot simpler. He just wrote Four Agreements that we should all follow. It does make a lot of sense. From now on, I’ll try to live by the Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don’t take things personally.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

These Four Agreements are really very simple and if we live by them everyday of our lives, we’d be happier.

The first agreement is the most important one though I admit that sometimes I say things that I don’t mean. And sometimes I use the power of the word against myself.

Through the practice of chanting, I may have reduced my self-limiting beliefs but I believe that I’m blind to some of them. But through chanting, meditation, self-reflection, reading and interacting with people, I know I’ll finally find a way to be aware of all of them. And with awareness comes liberation.

I believe that there will come a time when I would truly liberate myself. Christians call that state Heaven. Buddhists call it Nirvana. Whatever the labels, they’re talking of the same thing. I know that there will come a point when I won’t be burdened by my limiting self-beliefs.

The second agreement is a lot easier. Once you understand that people have their own perceptions, it would be easy to not take things personally. But it still is hard. It takes patience when someone pushes your buttons. Our natural reaction would be to blame the other person for pushing those buttons. But when you really pause to think about it, when you react to something, it’s your issue and not the other person’s issue. The other person has just provided the stimulus but how you respond to that stimulus is all you.

The third agreement is perhaps the second hardest to follow. I admit that I make assumptions right away. My cousin used to say that one should always ask. And she is really right. We can’t mentally torture ourselves by making assumptions of what the other person is thinking. We can’t read their minds. The easiest thing to do would be to ask. It really is just that easy.

The fourth one is my favorite. I totally agree that at all times one should always do his/her best no matter what. The joy should be in the doing and not the result. Most of the time, people concentrate on the results. But it is not the destination that matters but how you get there that truly matters. Everything requires effort. But the more effort you put into something, the better satisfaction you get.

I don’t know if Richard is reading ” The Four Agreements.” I let him borrow it for a reason. But sadly, since we had our fight, I don’t know if he had read it or not. It would be best if I could explain the book to him so he would understand. But he has  funny way of looking at things. And I doubt that it wasn’t just his personality that had flaws but his way of thinking as well. There was something seriously wrong with the way he put two and two together. But I still adored that in him.

He is part of the reason why I’m depressed. And I’ve been depressed for four weeks now. I just find it so hard that we haven’t spoken in over three weeks and I haven’t heard anything from him. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t even know if I cared for him or not. I don’t even know if I want to apologize to him or if there is something to apologize for.

I know in time, I’ll find a way to really live by the Four Agreements. And I know in time, the rift between me and Richard would be mended.

I’m depressed but I don’t think about it. I don’t want to put more energy into something that would only make me want to give up on life. I still continue to pray. And I’m still hopeful that something good will come out of my loneliness.

I am lonely. Extremely lonely. I just don’t think about it because it’s going to weigh me down. But I can’t deny that I’m depressed. My symptoms may be diffused but I have the classic symptoms of depression which are:  loss of appetite, lack of energy, lack of interest in daily life and oversleeping. I’ve been oversleeping lately. In fact aside from praying, that’s all that I get to do. I don’t have an appetite. I eat perhaps once or twice a day. It would be a miracle if I eat more than twice a day. I just don’t like to eat anymore. It’s not that I want to get thinner. I just don’t have the appetite.

I guess that’s the problem with being too aware sometimes. There are times you just want to shut it off. I surprise myself really when I talk to people and I tell them things that I didn’t even realize I knew. I know of things that I don’t even know I understood. But apparently I have. It’s really strange.

I’m still grateful that I’m a Buddhist. But the kind of Buddhism that I’m practicing calls for inner transformation. And there’s a part of me that wants change so bad. And yet there’s a part of me that is comfortable just the way things are. But I know that sooner or later, I will have to exert more effort to completely transform myself.

I am unhappy in some aspects of my life. I’m happy with work. My family life is okay. I’m financially stable. I’m just unhappy when it comes to my love life. Words can’t express how lonely I feel. I long to be in a relationship so bad that if there was a man who would ask me out, I would immediately agree to go out with him. But there’s a part of me that wants to hold back. I don’t want to be in a relationship just because I want to be in a relationship. I want a relationship based on friendship, love and respect. And I don’t know if I ever had that with Richard. I don’t even want to wait around for him. I want to move on with my life. And yet, I can’t deny that I miss him so much.

I try not to think about missing him. It would be sad to miss someone and not know if that person misses you back. He probably doesn’t care. And why should I care?

This aspect of my life has got to change. I want to be in a happy relationship. And yet, I don’t even know where to begin.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried because I felt sad for the person I used to be. It’s the kind of crying that reaches deep into your soul. I sobbed like a little child.

I guess I felt sad about what happened to me as a little child. Although I have accepted it, I just feel sad that it happened to me. And I felt sad that I had to endure it. And I guess I felt sad for the person that I used to be and the person that I can no longer go back to.

My old self was effective for a while. She was a strong person for not giving up. But she repressed her emotions. And she was not happy although she tried to understand happiness. I really feel sorry for her.

Ever since I became a Buddhist, I’m not the same person anymore. I’d be lying if I told people that I don’t miss my old self. I do miss myself. I miss her terribly.

My old self was strict. She had principles. And she was very disciplined. She was hungry for knowledge. In fact, she would read the dictionary and encyclopedia regularly. She was a news junkie who read the news everyday. She would exercise regularly around three or five times a week, two or three hours per session. She had goals and dreams. She aspired to be happy. And she aspired to know herself.

But I guess she became useless. Once the past caught up with her, she could no longer deal. For a while, she lost her sanity. She lost herself. And the world that she knew came crumbling down. She was never the same.

Everyday, I try to get back to the person that I used to be. And I don’t mean the person that was depressed. I mean, the person who had principles. The person who had a strong will and strong character. There were things that she did right. And I’m grateful to her for never giving up on her life.

I know I’ll find her again. I know I’ll merge the old and the new. I know I’ll be better than I once was and be better than what I am now.

But I’m really grateful for my old self. I’m grateful that she never gave up. And yet I feel sad for what happened to her. But I know with my tears of compassion, I will help heal her. And once she is healed, we will merge and be truly happy.

A year ago, I had a nervous breakdown and I just couldn’t deal with it. So, I went to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed by my doctor. She warned me that I would lose my sanity. Actually, it was a prediction more than a warning.

I still remember her words. She said, ” Once you remember your repressed memories about your sexual abuse, you will most certainly be institutionalized. You will lose your sanity. Because you’ve kept those memories for a reason. Once they resurface, you won’t be able to deal with it.”

My psychiatrist prescribed me anti-depressants but I wanted to hold off on taking them. She said that taking those pills would make my symptoms worse before they make them better. But she did say that the symptoms would get better after a while.

And I remember I said to myself, ” How sad. My happiness would only depend on a bottle of pills.”

I thought about it for a little while. Taking the pills would mean liberation from my suffering. But then, I didn’t want to depend on a bottle of pills for my happiness especially since I knew what the cause of my unhappiness was. And I secretly wished that there was something better than a bottle of pills. Perhaps I had an inkling that I had spiritual problems rather than a mental one. And so, I decided that I wouldn’t take them yet. My psychiatrist prescribed me brain vitamins, but she did tell me to come back after a few doses.

The brain vitamins was supposed to hold off my depression. It hadn’t. It worsened my symptoms. In fact, I had the worst time of my life. I would have a thousand thoughts flooding in one minute. There were episodes where I would just feel so sad and so unhappy.

During those episodes I would think of killing myself just to end my misery. There were times when I thought I was really going to die. The episodes lasted for hours where I would just stare into space while thoughts would invade my mind.

I don’t know how I managed to survive those terrible episodes. They were mentally draining and physically exhausting as well. I really don’t know what made me go on. I remember that I kept telling myself that things would get better and that I should hold off killing myself.

A few weeks later, my cousin came to me and invited me to join her. She told me that she was part of this Buddhist group.  She told me to try their prayer. And so since I had nothing to lose, I tried her prayer.

I had no idea how that simple prayer would have an impact on my life. It literally changed my life. I am happy now. I never thought that it would be possible that I would be free from my misery. Of course, there are still times that I get depressed. But the thing is, I don’t think of giving up on life anymore.

People have noticed that I’m more alive and happy than ever. People who know me from before don’t think I’m the same person. Of course, I’m experiencing some growing pains. But I know soon, I’ll get the hang of my new self.

I realized a lot of things. I realized that happiness is a choice. And once you make that choice to be happy, the universe will send you things that will assist you in order to attain that happiness.