I’ve come to a point where I don’t trust my thoughts and emotions anymore. And I’m feeling lost because I know that I am not my thoughts. And I know that my emotions are the product of my thoughts. I’m confused and I’m no longer anchored in anything. I am not scared. I just don’t know where to go.

The awareness within me has grown to a point where I know that there’s a growing division inside of me. There’s my conditioned self ( the me I’ve come to know through the years ) and my unconditioned self ( which I know is there but can’t seem to find it yet ).

There were moments  when I lived in the moment. Somehow, I lost that magical state. Maybe I’m trying too hard. That happy state is inside of me.  But somehow, it’s lost in the static and I have to find that state again.

That’s what I think of my thoughts now. I think of them as mental noise. I know it’s the product of the mind. And I understand that it can easily overwhelm the person and paralyze the person. So there are thoughts floating in my head. And when I’m exhausted, I allow myself to be taken by it. Then I remind myself again.

I’ll find peace again. And I’ll find that state of calm. But I know I have to go deeper for the answers. I have to find a way to get past that mental noise.

I realized a lot of things over the weekend. I went to Camuigin to try to recharge. And I ended up realizing that I went there to escape. Deep inside I’m getting tired of work. And I guess that’s the reason why I’m now in trouble with my punctuality. I’ve been served a final written warning. If I don’t shape up, I’m going to be fired.

And it got me thinking how lucky I am to have this job. I got promoted and many other opportunities for a promotion came my way but I became complacent. I was short-listed for another promotion but I missed out on the opportunity because I didn’t take my interview seriously. I also had another shot at another position but I didn’t even try out of laziness.

I guess I became ungrateful for the many blessings that were given to me. And I guess all it took was a wake up call. I have to do something about my attendance and I also have to look at my attitude about work. And my overall attitude with life.

It is true. Your environment is a reflection of who you are inside. If you are an ungrateful person, many opportunities will pass you by. If you are an unloving person, no one will care for you. If you are an unfriendly person, people will not like you. If you complain a lot, people will avoid you. The thing is, unless you are an aware person, you won’t realize how our inner self affects our environment. The inner and the outer are connected.

And I’m beginning to get a clearer picture of how karma works. I don’t fully understand it yet, but I understand how it works in my life. Whatever causes I create, since I chant, I will see the effects right away. And if I don’t like the effect, I have the power to change it. And how do I change the effect? I change it by creating another cause– a good cause.

In most cases, it would take years for the effects of our actions to manifest itself. But once you chant, you will be able to feel the effects right away. And because of your awareness, you would be able to discern the reason why such a thing happened.

The practitioners talk about acquiring greater wisdom through chanting. I never believed it until now. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. And I realized how my actions affect my life. I am more aware of the choices that I make because I am aware of the consequences of the choices that I make.

My Buddhist friend, Ankita said that we chant in order to live a regret-free life. And I guess she is right. Once you chant, you realize that you have the power to change your destiny. That you are not bound by the past. That you can actually do something about your current situation.

I’ve been wondering if I need chanting in my life. I may not have the answers right now, but I know that there is a difference between the person that I am now and the person that I was before.

I used to have a defeatist attitude.If a small problem arose, I would worry right away. I would get depressed for days or several weeks and sometimes even months. Now, I get sad and depressed, but it rarely lasts several weeks. I may get sad but I still have that will to live.

Another Buddhist friend, Jodine gave me a good piece of advise. She told me that chanting is not magic. She said that chanting increases one’s wisdom. There is a reason why prayers don’t get answered or why they don’t get answered right away. Whatever the results of our wishes and desires, we would gain infinite wisdom from it.That’s what they call bono soku bodai It means that earthly desires equals enlightenment.

Who would have thought that I’d gain so much insight by reading a book on finance?  It’s just so totally unexpected.

I’m reading this book titled, ” Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.” It’s about uncovering how a rich man’s mind works. It totally makes sense. In fact, some of the insights are similar to Buddhist insights.

The author mentioned the importance of going to the root. In our Buddhist practice, we’ve been told to always look within ourselves for the answer. Apparently, rich people don’t have self-limiting beliefs about money but most people do. And once you go back to your childhood, you realize that most of our self-limiting beliefs are conditioned or learned. And it can be unlearned by being aware of it and disassociating from that self-limiting belief.

The author suggested that the reader should go back to a specific point in time and try to uncover where their self-limiting beliefs came from or where they were learned.

I looked back to my childhood and the earliest memory I could remember was a fight between my grandmother and grandfather. They were fighting over money. I was five years old. And I guess, subconsciously, I took what I learned from that experience as truth: That money creates relationship problems.

And it was always ingrained into us that our grandfather ( being the poor one ) was only after my rich grandmother’s wealth. Of course, it was further reinforced by what we heard and what we experienced. I had similar observations about my own parents. They fought constantly over money.

Naturally, it reflected on my own relationship with my EX. We fought over money as well. Or rather, we fought over a piece of jewelry which he sold so that he would have money to buy his drugs. After that incident, I became afraid that my ex would only take advantage of me. And it didn’t help as well, because he did really take advantage of me.

But looking back, it was not really my ex’s fault that he was the way he was. The thing is, I allowed him to treat me the way he did. I could have said no to his abuse but I never did. The same with my self-limiting beliefs on love and money. I have the option of not listening to those narrow beliefs that would make me unhappy.

I’m going to finish on reading the book. Hopefully, I’ll be able to apply the things I’ve learned to my financial situation right now. And since my beliefs on money is inextricably linked to my belief on relationships, hopefully, I’ll be able to break out of my relationship karma as well.

I’m going to continue on reading the book.

I was a little annoyed with my priest date. He pointed out something which seems a little childish to me. He seems childish for a priest. I should be above that since I’m supposed to have a ‘higher awareness’ but who the hell cares? I’m still human after all.

” Did you get baptized when you became a Buddhist?” he asked.

” Well. Not really. No,” I answered rather innocently. I knew the direction he was headed. We didn’t get to argue on that fact since my phone rang.

I know that he was going to go in the general direction of ‘ you’re still a Catholic whether you like it or not’ direction. But it’s useless to try and make other people understand. He is after all a Catholic priest or is going to be one in a few months or years. I can’t blame him if he thinks I’m such a big sinner. I don’t really care.

I guess that’s what’s wrong with religion in general. Not just Christianity, Hinduism, Islam and even Buddhism. It’s that ‘you’re either with us or against us’ mentality. If you don’t follow a particular religious path you’re either a sinner or an infidel. Some of my Buddhist friends have that mentality as well. If a Buddhist practitioner quits or isn’t as active as they would like that member to be, they criticize that member. I mean, it’s just hard to be a Buddhist. I can understand why some Buddhists can’t take the pressure. It’s not pretty when you see your flaws and your weaknesses all the time. There are times I just want to turn that awareness thing off. But the thing is, I can’t.

I guess that’s why there are religious wars. People want other people to believe in what they believe in. It’s not very democratic if you think about it. My priest date said that the Catholic faith is lax and allows people to be free to choose what they want. I guess he forgot to read about the Dark Ages. Oh well, he is entitled to his own opinions or delusions.

I don’t think the path to finding God or our divine nature within should be mapped and plotted. I think that it is not right to tell people what to believe in. Religion is not about spirituality anymore. Religion has turned into something else. Religiosity doesn’t equal spirituality anymore. When people are told what to believe in, they are not taught to be independent. They are taught to be dependent. And spirituality is a very personal journey. And that journey is going to be full of trial and error.

I am not saying that Buddhism is superior. It is not. It’s just different. It’s the most democratic of all. Buddha knew that the spiritual path is an individual journey that each one of us must take in order to be more happy. And he did not tell his followers to believe in a God. He went over and beyond that. It was said that before Buddha died he said, ” Be a lamp unto yourselves.”

What Buddha meant is that we should learn to search for the truth for ourselves and within ourselves. And he wanted his followers not to take his teachings as the absolute truth. He wanted his followers to see the truth for themselves.

After my date my friend May asked me, ” So how did the date go?”

” He’s a priest!”

” Oh, he is.”

” You should have listened in on our conversation. It would make your nose bleed. We talked about God, the divine nature, meditation and whatnot. It was just so funny.”

” And you’re disappointed because it’s against your religion?” she asked.

” I’m not disappointed. Nothing is against Buddhism. Buddhism includes everything else and incorporates everything else. It incorporates psychology, science and even other religions.”

” Really?”

” Well how can Buddhism exclude everything else when Buddhism is about the study of life?”

I remember a particular conversation I had with a Buddhist member. She was just twenty years old but she was wise beyond her years. She came at a very important point in my faith. I was thinking of quitting the Buddhist practice. I just couldn’t take my negativity anymore. But she made me understand why I should continue on being a Buddhist. What she shared to me was really eye-opening.

” You used to be a Hindu? ” I asked.

” Yes. I’m a Hindu. Or I used to practice Hinduism. But the thing is, one is never really converted,” she answered. ” Buddhism is different. I don’t tell my friends I’m a Buddhist. I tell them that I’m a practitioner of life.”

And I guess my Hindu-Buddhist friend is correct after all. Buddhists study life.

” We should practice in order to be happy,” she pointed out.

My friend made things very simple for me. I practice Buddhism in order to be happy. I practice Buddhism in order to understand my life and other people’s lives as well. I practice Buddhism because I embrace life. It’s that simple.

I guess I watched too many Ally McBeal episodes during my late teens. But, it’s beginning to show how funny my love life is. Last year, I had a date with a guy who loved to hurt himself. He was pretty scary at first until he talked about how his girlfriend dumped him and left him for his nemesis. He was Middle Eastern and kind of cute. He did treat me out which was nice. I started to pity him when he talked about his ex.

” I spent money for her education,” he said. ” But she left me for my most hated enemy. She’s in Dubai now.”

” I’m really sorry to hear that.” I was genuinely sad for him. Until he mentioned that he like to cut himself.

” Do you see this?” He pointed to his right forearm.

” What are those?”

” I cut myself. I did this after she left.”

It was a miracle that we went out on date number two. But we did. After that I lost his number. And it was all good.

I just had a date with a guy this afternoon. My cousin set us up. My cousin recommended him because he’s a good guy. I had a falling out with my cousin. I guess it was my cousin’s way of extending the laurel leaf. His good samaritan ways have backfired. It turns out that the guy he recommended was not what he seemed.

I met Mystery Guy at a cafe. He said that he was going to be wearing a white shirt with green sleeves. I thought he was wearing long-sleeves. I had no idea he was wearing a t-shirt. He was okay looking but very buff. He was wearing Simon Cowell-like t-shirt. The kind that’s too small for his body size. He had nice soft brown eyes. He wasn’t really that bad-looking.

I was a little nervous. First meetings are always nail-bitingly scary. He mentioned that he’s been gone for a while. And then I asked him, ” Where did you go?”

” For two years, I joined the Blessed Sacrament Congregation. It’s like the Jesuits but different. “

” Oh.”

I didn’t get it at first. But ultimately, he made it very clear especially after he mentioned the word ‘vow.’

” I’m planning on doing my vow of poverty and chastity very soon,” he mentioned.

I haven’t been a Buddhist that long. I’ve been a Catholic for like twenty-eight years of my life so I got very suspicious when he mentioned that ‘vow’ thing.

“Oh you mean, you’re going to be a priest?” I blanched.

” Well. That’s the reason why I joined the seminary in the first place. I am going to be a priest. I’ve known that I was going to be a priest since second grade. I still remember that exact moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was when the priest broke the bread in front of me. At that moment I knew.”

Then I told him about Buddhism. He seemed to understand it. But he did mention God several times. We talked about divinity. And a supreme being.

” Love is our nature. Goodness is our true nature. Once we know that it will radiate from within us,” he said.

Not to be outdone, I mentioned how Buddhism is not just about finding God within but of knowing oneself and ultimately, knowing the meaning of life.

I was told by our leader that Buddhists should not engage in debates. He is right. Our date turned into something like a mini-debate.

I tried to diffuse the situation by saying, ” Ultimately, all religions, and I mean not the twisted religions are all about finding God, the divine nature within. Call it what you like. Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and Islam, it’s all about finding that divine nature within. The paths are different but they have one goal.”

I tried my very best not to sound like the Dalai Lama, but I guess I sounded that way. It was really funny. And I wonder what my expression looked like. For a first date that wasn’t really a date, it was kind of a strange topic.

Our mini debate which wasn’t really a debate or so the priest said, ended when my sister called. She needed her car back. And I had to say goodbye to my pseudo prince charming who was supposed to be my date but not really.

Once I got back home, I started to let my imagination run wild. It’s so funny if you think about it. If ever he’s going to leave his congregation for me ( which is not happening at all but this is just for the sake of entertainment ), we’re going to have a really silly argument.

Possible Future Me: Honey, you need to get in bed since it’s time to make a baby.

Possible Future Him: I can’t Honey. I made a vow of chastity which means no sex.

Possible Future Me: Ever?

Possible Future Him: Never. Ever.

So, I guess our honeymoon is never going to be. I do intend to make babies at one point in my life.

It’s just so funny how things turn out. I’m just so amused. I should go out on more dates so I have more disaster dates to write about.