I am so grateful for people who genuinely wish me happiness. A reader sent me a comment and wished me happiness. I do seem to get that a lot. A few weeks ago, I went out with my Buddhist friends. We had lunch. Out of the blue, one of them named R, said, ” I really do wish you happiness. You are such a good person. And you deserve to be with a good person as well. I wish you’ll find that person who would really make you happy.” Hearing her say that to me, almost brought tears to my eyes. And I felt guilty for harboring negative thoughts about her.

One of my Buddhist friends told me that R is having financial problems and apparently marriage problems as well. And my friend mentioned that R tried to cheat her of money. But then, I realized that who in this world is not guilty of something bad? What’s really wonderful is that despite the bad causes that we’ve created, we can still manage to wish for happiness for other people as well.

I have paid it forward. I have prayed for the happiness of my family members and my friends as well. I can’t explain that feeling when you genuinely wish happiness for people other than yourself. It’s such a wonderful feeling.

People like R and the readers of this blog that have wished me happiness, reminds me of the good nature and of the selflessness that we all possess. I hope we’ll take time in our busy lives, to wish happiness for others. I know that the blessings that we receive will come back to us a hundred fold.

My mother is in a lot of debt. She has a dozen lawsuits. She is unhappy with her family, with her marriage and with her finances. She believes that no one understands her predicament. She believes that no one cares for her. The thing is, what is happening to her is of her own doing. Introspection is key. And she has never been an introspective person. She always blames others for her failures. She plays the victim always.

My sister says that I don’t care about my mother. My sister has been doing everything within her power to help my mother get out of her financial mess.
She admonished me and asked me what I was doing to help. I couldn’t answer because I do not know where to begin.

” If you see someone trying to dive into the cliff, do you think that just telling that person not to jump would prevent that person from jumping?” My sister wanted me to understand the gravity of the situation.

” It’s not enough, of course, ” I answered.

” Then, you know what you must do. You have to physically put that person out of harm’s way,” she said.

I can understand my sister’s concern. But are we really helping someone if we help them that way? The thing is, if a person is self-destructive, there is no way you can keep watch on that person. A person who is self-destructive would always find a way to create chaos. I know that my sister’s solution is only temporary. How can I help my mother help herself?

I was feeling terrible a few weeks ago, when a person who owed me money approached me again. I had previously forgiven her of her debt. She obviously forgot about the favor I did for her and she ran to me for help again. This time I declined. I learned a lesson from that incident. I realized that I was not really helping people at all. I was only providing a temporary solution. The question that I must meditate on is this, ” How can I help people in a way that they too would help themselves?”

I’m feeling extra bad today. I know that work, family, relationships and other external factors are just getting to me. It’s just sometimes, it’s so hard to be happy in such an unhappy world. It takes effort and awareness to be happy. And each moment of your life, you have to constantly choose to be happy. But sometimes, things just bog you down.

I can’t always be positive. Even if I’m a Buddhist, I can’t always be happy twenty-four hours a day. Maybe I’m pushing too hard. Happiness should be found within. It shouldn’t require much effort. But sometimes, or most of the times, it does. At least for me.

It’s going to be my one year anniversary as a Buddhist this coming August. Although much has changed, I can still feel that at the core, nothing much has changed. I still haven’t managed to change my life for the good. For one year, I was just coasting and doing nothing really significant or important in my life. And the relationships that I’ve made or friendships that I’ve made so far are just shallow friendships.

Deep inside, I’m unhappy because I lost Richard or I drove him away. I fear he may never come back. I feel so sad because of that. I really felt that he had a positive influence on me. But because of my negativity and expectation, I drove him away from my life. And I wonder if there would ever come a time when I’d be in a happy relationship.

I was supposed to go on vacation last weekend. I really needed to recharge. My working environment has gotten so toxic. But I wasn’t able to do that because a parent dissuaded me from going. But I just need to recharge my spirit.

Since I know that happiness is a conscious decision to make, I know that I’m making myself unhappy by having negative thoughts. I know I’m to blame. But I have my own weaknesses as well. I am after all just human. And it’s so hard to constantly be happy in an unhappy world. It’s a challenge to find something positive in the negative circumstances in your life.

I realize that once you love someone, you can’t unlove someone. I still love my ex. But I know I can never go back to him. I promised myself years ago, that I’ll be happy. And I was never happy with him. I know now why I attracted that relationship. I was unhappy. And he was unhappy. We both were miserable people looking for love. But I know in my heart, that I’ll never forget him.

I know that it’s the reason that until now, I’m still not in a relationship. I was deeply hurt. I still cry. I know I will never really fully move on. A part of me, would always miss him. A part of me would always love him. But I know I can’t go back to him.

Our last communication was on my 30th birthday. He called me. He didn’t even remember my age. I guess for him, I will always be 19 years old. And for me, he will always be twenty-seven. I was nineteen when I first met him. Our relationship would come to an end almost a decade later. He was twenty-seven, a junkie, and a romantic. I was lonely, unhappy with my life and he was there.

I knew in my heart that he wasn’t the one for me. We often argued about the little things. I could never understand his world though I tried. But he could never understand mine.

Our relationship was painful most of the time. I would get depressed. He would get depressed. I would rarely see him. And he would rarely see me. My parents didn’t want me to be with him which made it doubly painful.

I knew that the relationship was ending even before it started. He was a junkie. And I was a girl so full of dreams. We never agreed on anything. Our relationship was mostly physical. We never really talked about ideas. We were never really friends.

I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I walked away. It was hard but I did the right thing. I just never thought that it would be this painful. That after several years, I’d still be single.

I’m ready for love. But I know that this time, it has got to be different. This time, my new relationship should be based on love, friendship and respect.

I remember a particular memory years ago, while me and my ex-boyfriend were making love, I remember wishing that I would be making love with someone who would make me truly happy. Because each time I made love to my ex-boyfriend, a part of me died. And I remember wishing for a better relationship. I remember wishing for someone who would love me, and someone I would love in return. A love that was real and pure. I never got that with my ex.

I loved my ex-boyfriend. And I know he loved me. But, we made each other more miserable than happy. We were both looking for something else. And I know that when he looked into my eyes when he made love to me, he was looking for someone else as well.

I’ll live up to my promise. I won’t allow myself to be defeated. I will love again.But this time, it’s going to be right.

“Live your questions now and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.”-Rainer Maria Rilke

Buddhism is part of my life now. The philosophy just completely changed me. Since I became a Buddhist, I’m never the same. I asked my friend, Soc, if she finds it boring that I talk about the Buddhist philosophy all the time.

” I like it when you talk about it. I learn so many things from you,” she said.

” It’s just that it’s so much a part of my life now. It’s just part of who I am,” I explained.

People who have never tried Buddhism would have far-fetched ideas about it. Even my sister, who briefly studied Buddhism, has the wrong idea about it. She believes that Buddhists are pacifists and people who rarely get angry.

” Just because I’m a Buddhist doesn’t mean I’m not human. Humans get angry, ” I elucidated her.

Buddhists are people. It’s just that Buddhists are more aware of themselves. They are aware of their weaknesses. They are aware of their flaws, negativities and imperfections. But with awareness there can never be despair or hopelessness. Buddhists are the most accepting people of all.

My friends would often say that I’m too positive. And I often question my own self. Am I bordering too close on optimism? Are Buddhists optimistic and not realistic?

” But what is realistic? What is the impossible? Are we not living the impossible today? One hundred years ago, no one would have imagined that airplanes would get built. People then, thought it was impossible for humans to fly. But with the advancement of technology we have made the impossible into the possible. The human mind is a very powerful thing, ” I told Soc over our meal at McDonald’s. Soc was having pancakes. I ate pie and bottled sweetened tea.

” We don’t know how powerful the human mind is, ” I continued. ” Scientists claim that we are only using 10 percent of our brains. The Buddhas since the beginning of time, are just normal human beings. It just so happens that they use more than 10 percent of their brain.”

While Soc and I were lining up for Batman tickets, I told her something that I didn’t know I knew all along.

” When you desire something, you will lead yourself to getting what you most desire,” I told her.

” But isn’t that too optimistic?” she queried.

” Not really. Because as long as you know what you want, you will find a way to get what you want. You will lead yourself to getting what you most desire.”

” I don’t know if I agree with that.” Soc expressed her doubt.

” Just know what you really want. Start with what you want. And then, you’ll lead yourself to achieving or getting what you most desire. Eight years ago, I was so envious of this fellow student at my art workshop. He boasted about his trip to Rome and to Italy. He showed us a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And I remember promising myself that I’ll go there. A few years later, I eventually went to Rome and saw the leaning tower. If you desire something, you will lead yourself to getting what you most desire.”

” That’s interesting.”

” It’s the truth. But first start with yourself. Start with what you really want.”

It’s when I share my insights to people like Soc that I come to realize, that I know so much. Sometimes, I even surprise myself.

” I used to be a closed person, Soc. I was never friendly. I never went out. I never befriended people. But I always had goals. But I never achieved any of them. Then one day, I started to say ‘yes’ to everything. And that’s when I started to get what I really wanted. It’s ironic isn’t it? One would think that by being a closed person, that by being disciplined, one would get what one wanted. But it’s not how things work. By saying ‘yes’ more often, you actually get what you want, and more. That’s the paradox of life.”

I was getting dissatisfied with work. I’ve been finding the working environment getting toxic. I mentioned this to my workmate Marge. She disagreed with me.

” If you find something negative about work, then you’ll always find it. As for me, I’m grateful that I have this job. I actually don’t shy away from work. Work is work. And I don’t find myself dissatisfied with it. I just do my job. I’m actually good under pressure,” she said.

I was actually surprised by her answer. It was something that would come from a Buddhist. But she told me that she’s into Taoism.

We talked for what seemed like hours. Marge talks so fast that we covered her previous work, her love life to her current problem.

” I’m actually manic depressive. I even had a breakdown in the office. Our boss saw me crying one time and he gave me time off.”

” Really? I didn’t know that.”

She talked so fast and she covered so many things. But I somehow managed to ask her questions. I found out that we had a karmic connection. She actually knows my ex-boyfriend.

” He’s actually like my big brother. He’s so good to me. He’s nice. Except sometimes, he gets these weird ideas. I mean they’re just out of this world,” she mentioned.

” Yes, because he’s a drug addict,” I said.

” We actually know. We tried to discourage him from taking drugs. Do you know where he got his nick name?”

” I don’t know. Where?” I asked.

” Well, we call him by his nickname because he drools when he sleeps.”

Marge mentioned so many things. She mentioned that she has a third eye. She told me about her daughter’s name. She even showed me a picture. She then told me about her boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend. She told me that she has five names.

While she was talking, I felt so sad for her. Not long ago, I used to be like her. I would get carried away by my thoughts. I would have a dozen thoughts per minute. But now, unusually enough, since I became a Buddhist, I rarely have thoughts. I still think but my thoughts appear at a much more manageable level. I can concentrate better. And I actually have a low threshold for negativity and sadness now. I don’t want to be unhappy unlike before where I would wallow in unhappiness for weeks or months at a time.

I told Marge about Buddhism. Coincidence or not, she told me that she did read my prayer booklet. I left it in the office so I could pray while encoding data in my computer.

” Yeah, I know that you’re a Buddhist. I saw your prayer book. I actually tried to read the passages but it’s hard.”

” That prayer will save your life.”

I told Marge about my clinical depression and how I would disappear for weeks.

” I’d just hide in the room and sleep all day. There are days when I would stuff myself and days that I would starve myself. And there are days when I won’t even like to take a bath,” I told her.

” Yeah. I experience that as well. In fact with me, since I’m manic depressive, there are days when I’m really upbeat. And there would be days when I could barely talk.

Marge told me about her ex-boyfriend who still stalks her. And she said that she carries a gun. I got scared a bit. I just wanted to gauge if I could introduce her to Buddhism. But somehow, I felt it in my heart that she needs it.

” You know what? I rarely talk to people. The reason why I like to talk to you is because you’re unlike everyone else here. You look calm despite the chaos in the office.” Marge seemed sincere about it.

I smiled and asked her what makes me different. She said something about me having good energy or positive energy.

A year ago, before I became a Buddhist, I never thought that it would be possible for me to ever be happy. I actually went to see a psychiatrist so I could have a cure to my depression. My doctor recommended that I try taking anti-depressant. But I remember being sad about the prospect of taking pills in order to be happy. I knew deep inside that it was not the answer. Luckily enough, I tried Buddhism. And ever since then, my life hasn’t been the same.

I still get problems but I feel bigger than my problems. I still get sad days, but I actually am aware that I’m having sad days and therefore, I can do something about it. Buddhism has taught me how to deal with life.

I feel so sad for Marge. She mentioned that she took Valium and Prozac. She even sees a psychotherapist. I know in my heart that she needs Buddhism more than anything. No one should have to live a life of unhappiness and sadness. No one.

I’m renewing my vow to spread Buddhism to people that I meet especially the ones with so much negativity and sadness in their lives. Happiness should be available to everyone. And that is what Buddhism teaches. It teaches one to be happy in this lifetime.

It’s really tough or challenging to be aware. I don’t judge people anymore. But sometimes, I’m almost tempted to judge people. But since I’m a Buddhist now, I have to be aware that people are not inherently bad. They’re just not conscious of their actions. Or in Buddhist terms, they’re just not enlightened.

An enlightened person is someone who is aware that he/she has a dark side. We call that ‘fundamental darkness.’ Everyone has that. Even the Buddhas have that. No one is free from that. It is said that without ignorance there would be no enlightenment. So, it’s an aspect of life that one has to live with.The thing is, it’s so challenging sometimes. I just want to be angry and lash out sometimes. But I just can’t seem to do that anymore because I’m aware that it’s just a normal process.

My sister, who is a non-Buddhist once said the most stupid thing. I don’t remember the exact details. But I was angry or upset at something. She then blurted out, ” I thought you’re a Buddhist. Buddhists don’t get angry.” I was just so surprised at the foolishness of it all. I replied rather curtly, ” I’m a human being. Of course, human beings get angry.”

People have this concept of Buddhists as being pacifists and peace-loving people. Of course, on good days we are peace-loving people and happy people. But since we’re human beings, we experience anger, frustration, hopelessness, despair, hate, jealousy, envy and all the other negative emotions. But the only difference is that we’re aware that these emotions are normal. They’re just aspects of a person’s life. But with acceptance and non-resistance to the negative, Buddhists are a lot more understanding and a lot more proactive.

I think that the awareness of my weaknesses and my dark side makes me a more humble person. I know I can never feel more superior than everybody else. I understand that just like everyone else, I am not perfect. I’m human.

But it’s so wonderful that I don’t have bad days anymore. I mean, I have bad moments or bad hours. But all in all, I don’t have bad days anymore. For me, a day is neither good nor bad. Another sunrise, is another opportunity for change It’s also a reason to be grateful for another chance at life. Another sunset is just a reminder that there is a lot to learn.