I’m feeling extra bad today. I know that work, family, relationships and other external factors are just getting to me. It’s just sometimes, it’s so hard to be happy in such an unhappy world. It takes effort and awareness to be happy. And each moment of your life, you have to constantly choose to be happy. But sometimes, things just bog you down.

I can’t always be positive. Even if I’m a Buddhist, I can’t always be happy twenty-four hours a day. Maybe I’m pushing too hard. Happiness should be found within. It shouldn’t require much effort. But sometimes, or most of the times, it does. At least for me.

It’s going to be my one year anniversary as a Buddhist this coming August. Although much has changed, I can still feel that at the core, nothing much has changed. I still haven’t managed to change my life for the good. For one year, I was just coasting and doing nothing really significant or important in my life. And the relationships that I’ve made or friendships that I’ve made so far are just shallow friendships.

Deep inside, I’m unhappy because I lost Richard or I drove him away. I fear he may never come back. I feel so sad because of that. I really felt that he had a positive influence on me. But because of my negativity and expectation, I drove him away from my life. And I wonder if there would ever come a time when I’d be in a happy relationship.

I was supposed to go on vacation last weekend. I really needed to recharge. My working environment has gotten so toxic. But I wasn’t able to do that because a parent dissuaded me from going. But I just need to recharge my spirit.

Since I know that happiness is a conscious decision to make, I know that I’m making myself unhappy by having negative thoughts. I know I’m to blame. But I have my own weaknesses as well. I am after all just human. And it’s so hard to constantly be happy in an unhappy world. It’s a challenge to find something positive in the negative circumstances in your life.