Ever since I became a Buddhist, I keep track of the movies that I watch and the things that I read. I used to like violent and gory movies but now I get disturbed by violence. I used to read a lot of horror fiction and romance novels as well. But now, I read spiritual books and science books. On my bookshelf are books that have withstood the passage of time. Meaning, I still appreciate these books now that I’m a Buddhist.

These books are:

A Year in Provence

It Must Have Been Something that I Ate

A Brief History of Everything

I find that I like travel books or books about travel, food and about the more positive things in life. I find that I also like science because it’s about the observation of phenomena. But spiritual books are best because it opens your eyes to a lot of things.

In the future, I might add my list of favorite books.

I find it a little sad that the book on Buddhism only mentioned this particular Buddhist monk for one or two paragraphs. It would seem that a lot of people know about Sakyamuni, Nagarjuna and all the other famous Buddhas in history but only a few know about this lowly monk.

The original Buddha mentioned that a person would pass into this earth that would remove the darkness in people’s hearts. And I believe that the lowly Buddhist monk who lived in the 13th century was this person. There are many predicted messiahs in history. A person who would lead the people to salvation. Who knew that the actual messiah would just be a lowly Buddhist monk? This humble monk understood life and shared his wisdom to people open enough to accept his teaching.

This Buddhist monk taught his disciples how to live a life of true happiness. And he wrote that true happiness doesn’t mean a life of no problems. True happiness means a life of wisdom, courage and compassion. And yet, he did not proclaim to his disciples that he was the savior. He wrote that people’s salvation lay in their own hands.

Through his writings, he empowered the common people. Through his teachings he gave hope to the people. I was one of those people, fortunate enough to have encountered his wonderful teaching. He was a compassionate man and yet, he is not famous. Not many people know him. But through his humble background, he had such profound insights on life that it would put every known philosopher in the Western world to shame.

There’s a cross at the head of my sister’s bed. And I admit, I’m a bit put off by that because I understand what the cross signifies. The cross signifies suffering. And so many people have embraced suffering. I used to embrace suffering. But now, I embrace happiness.

People think that one’s normal state is that of unhappiness. But I know how untrue that is. Happiness is the normal state of being.

I laugh at myself now. I don’t believe in my own drama anymore. I used to listen to the voices in my head telling me that I’m no good, that I’m ugly and that I don’t deserve to be happy. Now, I know that these are just lies. I always thought that I was right in my thinking. But now I know better.

My ex-boyfriend has started working in my office. I can laugh at him. And I can laugh at myself now. I used to cry about it. I really have grown up. I’m not the drama queen that I used to be. I’m no longer the victim.

My ex obviously wants me back. He asked for my number again. It’s his nth time of winning me over. He knows that I’m still single and very much available. One of these days, I just want to be able to say him face to face that I have a boyfriend. And that leaving him was the best decision that I made in my life.

Of course, I still feel sad from time to time. I did love him. And in a way, I still do. But I stayed in that relationship because I thought I didn’t deserve better. I thought that it was normal to be unhappy and to suffer in a relationship. How wrong I was.

I stayed for years, hoping that things would get better. Just like my sister who keeps a cross in her room, I embraced my suffering. But embracing suffering only leads to misery and unhappiness. Life is precious and yet, we waste our time being unhappy.

I’m no longer the drama queen. There’s still a voice in my head telling me that I don’t deserve to be happy. But as much as possible, I ignore that voice in my head. In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, he calls that voice, the voice of knowledge. It’s the voice of the ego. The voice of our untrue self. And he did mention that once you don’t believe in the lies anymore, they won’t have power over you. I believe that now.

Being happy is just as easy as following your true self. And following your heart. It really does sound easy. Because it really is. We humans really do complicate our own lives. Life is just meant to be simple.

Last year, I remember crying on the floor. My suffering and my pain was so unbearable. I had thought about killing myself. I could not live with the knowledge that my own uncle had sexually abused me. It killed me to know that my own uncle, my father’s favorite and most beloved brother, would victimize me like that.

I had thought about telling my father about what happened to me as a child. But I knew that it would only kill him inside. So, I kept the secret to myself. Instead, the secret slowly killed me inside.

Last year, I suffered a nervous breakdown. I considered taking my own life. I did seek psychiatric help. The doctor told me that I should take anti-depressants. And she warned me that things would get worse before it got better. There’s a higher risk for me to be suicidal. I would have to take the drug for up to two years before I got better.

I allowed myself a few weeks to think about it. But I felt sad by the fact that I would have to rely on a bottle of pills to make me happy. Deep inside, I felt that it was not the answer. I was resigned to my fate. I almost went back to my psychiatrist to tell her of my decision to start taking medication. But fate intervened. It was around this time that my cousin introduced me to Buddhism.

It’s been a year since I became a Buddhist. But my life has changed drastically in just one year. I know how to laugh now. I never used to laugh before. But I laugh now. And I mean, I really, really laugh. When I was depressed, it would be rare for me to laugh if ever. Now, I actually know the meaning of the word ‘happiness.’

People who have never been depressed would never understand how painful a condition it is. It’s like being a zombie. You are alive and yet you don’t feel alive. And you feel so heavy and so negative. You don’t feel that you deserve happiness.

It’s been a difficult and challenging year. But my practice has paid off. I now understand myself. I am more accepting of myself. I am more forgiving of myself. There are moments when I still feel hopeless. But it’s not a constant thing unlike before when I always felt hopeless.

I read somewhere that Buddhism is the religion of religions. And that it’s the philosophy of philosophies. I would have to agree. It’s a gift to humanity. And it’s the only religion I know of that aims for happiness. And it’s the only philosophy that would help you understand yourself.

If anyone who reads this and who is suffering right now, please do send me a message. I am more than willing to help.

I’ve been stressed out lately. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I get sick often. I have erratic thoughts. These are the signs of stress. And I realized that I’ve had enough of it. I’m not happy with the amount of stress that I’m experiencing. My body and my mind is telling me that it’s abnormal and that it has to stop.

Ever since I became a Buddhist, I have low tolerance for negative thoughts and for an unhealthy lifestyle. I am more aware of what my body and my mind is telling me. But apparently, a majority of the population is not self-aware.

People are so engrossed with their lives and their problems. They are so engrossed with making a living. Millions if not billions of people wake up each day to go to work completely ignoring their spirituality. What do they think happens after they die? Do any of these people ever question where they came from and what they’re here for? Do they even stop to consider their own mortality?

A majority of the population completely ignore their spirituality. Human beings are not just physical beings but spiritual beings as well. When there is imbalance, that’s when there is unhappiness.

Buddhists seem to know the purpose of life. It’s very simple actually. We’re here to experience happiness. A lot of people can’t accept that simple truth. But it is true. Why wait for the afterlife to be happy? We can choose to drop everything that makes us unhappy and choose to embrace the happiness that is within all of us.

Life is supposed to be easy but humans complicate things. I admit, I used to complicate my own life. Now, I’m keeping things simple. And I try to find the joy in the simple things.

I used to be clinically depressed. For almost all my life, I was unhappy and sad. And at the back of my head I always had an excuse for being sad. I always told my self that since I was sexually abused, I deserved to be punished. I deserved to be unhappy. But that was the excuse. Just because I was sexually abused as a child doesn’t mean that I have to carry that sadness and trauma for the rest of my life.

I punished myself for what happened. I felt guilty. I felt that I deserved to be unhappy. But that was the lie I told myself. I kept telling myself that I was a victim of circumstances and I had every right to be unhappy. But that was just an excuse so that I could prevent myself from being happy. The thing is, I can’t undo the past. And I’m not unique. Tragedies happen to people. And one must never take things personally. It happened not just to me but to other people as well. But other people have since moved on with their lives.

Life isn’t perfect. But happiness is absolute. All we need to do is to decide to be happy. All we need to do is just to drop all pretenses. Why shouldn’t we be happy? If you can choose a life of utter misery and a life of utter happiness, which would you choose? Of course, the answer may seem obvious but not many of us make the effort to choose happiness.

My cousin, who apparently doesn’t follow her own advice, once said to me, ” Happiness is a choice. Suffering is optional.” When she told me that, I could never understand it. But now I do. In a strange twist of fate, she’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate the wisdom behind her own words.

It is true. Life is supposed to be simple. If you want to be loved, then show love. If you want to be happy, then do things that make you happy. If you want to be wealthy, then work towards your goal. If you want to be a better person, then as much as possible, do good deeds. If you want laughter in your life, then make jokes.

The Buddhists have known for centuries how powerful the gift of choice is. Change starts from within.If you want to change your world, first start with yourself.

I did not expect it but when I went down for a lunch break, I bumped into my ex. Of all people. I wasn’t really shocked. I can’t really say I was really surprised. I guess I kind of accepted it that somehow, one way or another, my ex would find a way to work in my company. He’s been hopping from company to company. I guess it was only a matter of time before he’d find a way to work for my company since my company has a reputation for paying well.

As soon as I stepped out of the office premises, he turned and walked toward me. I didn’t ask him what he was doing at my workplace. He just immediately told me.

” I heard that they pay well. So I applied. I’m now in training,” he told me. There was something dark about his aura. I never noticed it before but his aura was heavier than I thought. And he looked older.

” Okay,” I replied.

” I’ll be going now. It’s the end of our break. See you around, ” he said. Then, he left.

One thing that I noticed was that I didn’t feel anything anymore. The second to the last time we met, I still felt something. We bumped into a bookstore and I still felt something for him. But this time was different. In a way, I was mildly annoyed. Last year, when I applied for a job and I knew that he was working for that particular company, I didn’t push through with my application. I didn’t want any complications since I still had feelings for him. I knew that I could easily be tempted to hook up with him again.But apparently, he doesn’t want to return the favor. He knows where I work. In fact, he was expecting that we’d bump into each other.

It’s so funny. Just when I decided to move on, he comes barging back into my life. I’ve finally decided that I was going to totally remove him from my system.

I discussed it with my friend. And my friend replied with, ” I think that’s closure for you. You finally have closure in your life.”

I was a bit happy with this realization. Much of my feelings for my ex was based on my inability to let go of the past. I guess I just needed to realize that for myself.

I’ve shifted my priority recently. I’ve been getting sick often because of the stress at work. I was finally getting tired of being sick so I decided to change my priorities. My priority now is to spend less time at work and to focus more on my mental, physical and spiritual health. I promised to get a lot of sleep as well. And also, I’ve decided to concentrate on nurturing my relationships with my family, my friends and my special friend. I’m taking things slowly now. I guess, bumping into my ex was just a sign that I should not focus too much on work. Because overworking has not been good for my soul.

For years, I’ve been resisting life. But now, I’m just going with the flow of life. It’s time for me to move on to better things. And finally, I can let go of the past and start to really live.

Since bumping into each other,

I invited my cousin to go spend a nice relaxing day with me at the beach. She said yes at first but yesterday, she almost changed her mind. She had so many excuses. And finally she relented.

When she got into the car, she started blabbing about her life and her problems. And I just drove and listened to her talk. It took us two hours to get to our destination. And that was also the amount of time that she talked. She was like a pendulum. She was emotionally volatile. She would laugh and make jokes. Then she’d cry. Then she’d get angry.

Her cellphone would go off every few minutes. She would pick it up and start talking. Sometimes, she would call her office to check on things.

She told me that she was millions in debt. She also had marital problems. She confessed that she has never been intimate with her husband for months. I felt so sad for her. But I also knew that whatever problems she has right now, it is of her own doing. And the solution is also within her.

My cousin is a very intelligent and aware woman. She facilitates personality development seminars. She helps people. She’s always there for people. In fact, she never has time for herself. Her time is divided between her business and her family. And even if I took her for a relaxing day, she was rarely relaxed. And her mind would always flounder. She was never at peace.

And I thought to myself how sad her life has become. She knows so much and yet her knowledge and awareness can’t do anything to save her from being unhappy. I’ve always believed that it’s not how much you know, but how you can apply what little you know to improve your life. A person may not know a lot of things but what’s important is that a person knows enough in order to be happy.

I tried to advise my cousin. I wanted to point out her mistakes to her. But it was so hard to get to her. She would always talk and she would rarely listen. And for the rest of the afternoon, what I thought would be a relaxing day turned into a stressful day because I absorbed so much of her negativity. And when I told her that she was standing on one of my favorite places, she barely appreciated the beauty and view that was surrounding her.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own problems and worries that we rarely get to see the world around us. And maybe next time, it would be ideal for me to spend an afternoon with someone who appreciates life and cares to look at the beauty that is everywhere around us. Sometimes, silence is all that is needed. No words have to be spoken.