I have what you would call a spiritual impasse. I have hit a stone wall in my Buddhist practice. For several weeks now, I have made no progress in my practice. And I think I know the reason why. I’m the reason.

I have this penchant for blaming circumstances and people for my unhappiness. When in fact, I should look within for the answers.

Last week, I got so stressed out when I bumped into my ex again. He has started working for my company. I couldn’t accept that he was back in my life. I had to confront him.

” I really love my job. I would really hate it if I have to quit it,” I told him.

” You don’t have to quit your job,” he replied.

” You know what, you knew that I was working here. Why did you have to come and work here? I’m really happy here.”

” Do you want me to quit? I can’t do that. I really need the money,” he pleaded.

” If you try anything funny, I won’t hesitate to quit, ” I threatened.

I know I was being irrational. My ex has every right to work where he wants. I guess, a part of me just can’t accept that he’s back in my life. It’s like everyday, I’m reminded of what I left behind. And although we broke off our relationship years ago, it’s only recently that I’ve been rebuilding my life without him. It was a very tough decision on my part to move on. But my life is infinitely better since I left him. The last thing I wanted is to see him come marching back in just when things were starting to get better.

Maybe my ex is right. I do have a tendency to be a spoiled brat sometimes. It’s always about what I want. And he had to put up with that. I also do have a tendency to be cold and unfeeling. Hence, my attitude towards him. And it looks like it hasn’t changed. I have been ignoring him at work.

My colleague is correct. I told her about my situation and she said, ” You can’t run away from him forever.You have to confront him sometime. If you have really moved on, you have to talk to him.”

I think I know why he’s back in my life. I think I have to ask for forgiveness from him. He did me wrong, but it wasn’t without my consent. They say that no one ever hurts you without your permission. I have to learn to forgive him for all the wrong that he did to me. And I have to ask for forgiveness for the wrong I did to him. Most especially, I have to learn to forgive myself.

There’s an opportunity for me to finally heal and move on. And how can I ever move on if I’m still hurting inside? This week, I pray that I would be able to talk to my EX so I finally will have closure.

I will write about our meeting. And I pray that it’s going to be the last post that I write about my EX. I just want to move on and start my new life.