I enjoyed the mini-reunion that I had with my batch mates in college. We only knew each other by faces but we never really spoke to each other until then. Our common friend, T, invited us to her wedding. On the wedding reception we talked about our careers and about our lives.

There were only three of us. There was A, J and of course me. We talked about how most of our batch mates are already working and living outside of the country. There was no hint of envy because we know how hard it is to live overseas away from family and friends. And also because we have come to love our jobs and our lives here.

I would have expected A to be the first one to land a job outside of the country. He was always on the Dean’s list. He was popular in college because he was one of the most intelligent and most diligent students. His life turned out differently than what was expected of him. Everyone thought that he was going to proceed to med school and become a doctor. But he took the road less traveled. He took another college course related to computers. And he’s now sort of a computer geek working for a programming or gaming company. He seems to be enjoying his job. And he has no hang ups about what he did after college.

J is the same. After college, she worked as a therapist in a spa. Her job took her overseas. She worked in a cruise ship for a year and a half which took her to places such as the Caribbean and Europe. After that, she went back to work in her hometown. She seemed happy about her current job. Although she has plans of working overseas, she doesn’t seem to be in too much of a hurry.

As for me, my life did really take an unexpected turn. I was supposed to leave the country. I had already completed my documents and passed the exam. I only had a few months of waiting time. So, while waiting, I took a job in the customer service industry. I never expected that my immigration application would be stopped. After three years of waiting, I’m still working for the same industry. I’ve been promoted twice within just the past 2 years. But the most miraculous thing that happened was becoming a Buddhist.

I’m starting to believe that everything really has a reason. If my immigration papers went through as it should, I would not have become a Buddhist. Was it my destiny to become a Buddhist? I think so. Because the possibility of me being introduced to Buddhism was so unlikely. I never would have imagined in a million years that I would convert. I was okay with being a Catholic. By okay, I meant, I was okay with being unhappy and being depressed. But I guess, life really has other plans for me.

Once I became a Buddhist, my life really opened up for me. I became more friendly and a little less reserved. I became wiser. And I’m really happy. Being happy was something that was never a possibility for me before. Now I can say with confidence that I’m happy. I’m happy even when I’m physically exhausted. I’m happy even when I’m crying. And most of the tears that I shed right now are tears of joy and gratitude instead of tears of sorrow.

My mother and sister would always tell me what I should do and what I should accomplish in life. They have requirements and conditions that need to be met before happiness can be achieved. They always say, ” Finish school and then you’ll be happy.” My mother would always say, ” Marry someone rich and you’ll be happy.” She always has something to say, but I doubt that she’s happy. Every morning she keeps on complaining about her husband, her children and her life.

My sister went to med school and then after that went to law school because she thought it was the safest choice to make. She’s now a lawyer. She takes her work with her everywhere she goes. Her words are always peppered with ” I’m a lawyer, I should know these things.” She thinks that being a lawyer is who she is. It’s what she does, but it doesn’t define who she is. People are so enamored with titles and accomplishments. But does it lead one to true happiness? It doesn’t.

My life opened up before me because I took the road less traveled. I started out with a life map. I had big plans for myself. I guess those plans that I have, were just not going to make me happy. Now, I don’t have conditions that I need to meet in order to become happy. I know that how much I earn has nothing to do with me being happy. I know that my title or designation has nothing to do with me being happy. I’m happy, just the way I am.

I learned something from my friend, T. She just got married last week. Before that, she was in a five year relationship that didn’t work out. Once she got out of the relationship she attracted her future husband. They just met last March. And on the same month, the guy proposed to her. She accepted his offer. When I saw her during her wedding, she seemed very happy. There was a glow about her face. A glow that was never there when she was still with her ex-boyfriend.

T’s husband is decent-looking and nice. What’s more he’s well-off. He really looks like he can take care of her. And they seemed very happy together. I first dissuaded T from moving in too fast, but I realized that my advice was unfounded. There really are no guarantees in life. Just because you’ve known someone for five years doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy with that person. And just because you’ve known a person for a few months doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be happy with that person. What’s important is that you take risks. Fortune favors the bold.

My friend’s sudden marriage got me thinking why I’m still not in a relationship. So far, nothing has materialized because I’m too afraid to take risks. I was hurt before, but I let that experience haunt me. I’m afraid to love again. But so far, my fear has brought nothing but loneliness and misery in my life. And you can spend five years nursing a heartache and you still won’t fully recover. What’s important is that you move on with your life. Living in constant fear of being hurt will not make you happy.

I admit that I was wrong for holding back. But at least, I learned a wonderful lesson that would lead me to becoming more happy. At least, I realized it now rather than later.We sometimes let our fears take the better of us. Most of our fears are not going to materialize. And having anxieties in the future isn’t going to make us better prepared for it in case it does happen.

My cousin always tells me that there are no guarantees in life. You could have your life all planned out and mapped out and still you would not be happy. The happiest people I know are the people who just let life be. Living life to the fullest means, picking yourself up when you make a mistake. Living life to the fullest means starting your life from this moment on. The past is gone. We can’t take it back. But our future is what we make it.

Ellen mentioned during one of her interviews with Orlando Bloom that one should have a life list.A life list is a list of the things you want to accomplish within your lifetime. I already have a bucket list but a bucket list is sort of a life list in a way, although it’s more general. A life list is more specific. I guess it’s time that I write my own life list.

1. Travel with my boyfriend to anywhere.

2. Study cooking in Tuscany.

3. Read bedtime stories to my kids.

4. Take photography lessons.

5. Take guitar lessons.

6. Go back to playing the piano.

7. Join a band.

8. Buy and sell things.

9. Practice on my basic French; and learn Italian.

10. Revisit Europe and take wonderful pictures.

11. Write books.

12. Continue on traveling all over the country and all over the world.

13. Cook pizza for my family.

14. Cook meals for my family.

15. Make love to boyfriend on the beach.

Around seven months ago, my friend came to me for love advice. She just broke up with her ex and immediately after that, another guy started to show interest in her. And this time, the guy was really serious in committing. I don’t know what I said. But I cautioned my friend against being irrational and emotional. I told her to take her time. Yesterday, my friend got married. It was the first time I’ve met the guy. And I like him more than her ex. And I admit that I was wrong for being so negative about it all. My friend made the right decision to get married.

I began to question my decisions. A few years ago, a guy showed interest in me. And I was very afraid that he’d hurt me. Now, he’s still in my life but our relationship is a bit complicated. Or rather, I made it complicated. It was just a simple case of a boy and a girl liking each other. Instead, I turned it into something else. But I still care deeply for this particular boy. But I don’t even know where to go from here. But I do admit, I do regret my decision on not taking a risk on him. And I hope and pray that it’s still not too late.

I don’t know how to trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I’m being rational or being emotional. Half of the time, I don’t know if I’m listening to my head or listening to my heart. I seem to confuse the two. After yesterday, I really have to admit to myself that I’m the reason why I’m still not in a happy relationship.

It took a lot from me to admit that I am the reason why my previous relationship didn’t work out. But through my Buddhist practice, I was able to uncover the root cause of it all. And the root cause is ME.

My friend at work told me that I’m an attractive girl but there is something about me that seems to block men from really pursuing me. All he said is that I have this certain energy that really sends guys fleeing in the other direction. And based on my dating history, I have to admit that he’s right. One of my dates told me truthfully, ” You’re really intimidating.” After that, I never heard from him again. Men are scared of me for some reason. There’s just something about me that makes me so intimidating to men.

I think that I’m still really affected by what my ex told me. Or rather, I have given power to what he told me because it was my issue all along. He would often repeat it to me, ” No other guy will love you, the way I love you.” I took it as: No one else is going to love me.

It took a lot of courage on my part to finally break up with my ex. But I admit, part of the reason I stayed was because I was afraid that no guy would find me attractive. Or no other guy would love me. And part of the reason I stayed even if I was miserable in that relationship, is because I felt unworthy to be loved. I would often convince myself that I am lucky that a guy loves me and I should just stick with him since I’m not really worthy to be loved.

My ex was just a mirror. He magnified my insecurities and my flaws. I stayed in that relationship because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. And I didn’t think that I was worthy of a better kind of relationship. I didn’t think that I was worthy to be loved. I stuck with him all those times because I was afraid that no one else was going to love me. My ex seemed to be really into me. But of course, there were lots of times that he didn’t show respect and he oftentimes, took advantage of my generosity. But I stayed because I was afraid of not having someone. And at that time, I thought that being in a relationship ( even if it’s a bad kind of relationship ) is better than being lonely and single.