A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

New Faith

Something is off. When I woke up yesterday morning, something was very off. I felt the most negative energy ever. It was as if I took a slide from being positive to being negative.

Before I slept that very night, I had a feeling that there was another presence in the room. Something negative. I don’t believe in spirits and stuff like that but I felt it. It was real. It was negative.

When I woke up, I felt the same negative energy. I still feel it right now. I still do. I felt as if someone I know is going to die or get sick or get hurt. It’s just so negative. I just couldn’t unload the feeling. It was dragging me down. It still is.

I went to a Catholic church again to hear mass. I wasn’t really paying much attention. I went with my family. They don’t know that I’ve converted.

While hearing mass, I felt a sense of nostalgia. Everything about it was so familiar. For more than twenty years, I went and heard mass at this Catholic church. I was baptized there. Every Sundays, I went with my grandparents at that church. The floors may have changed or the pews may have changed but all things were the same. The structure was the same. Some of the priests who serve mass have been in that church for decades. They never went away except of course if they die.

I felt a sense of loss yesterday. I know I’ve outgrown being a Catholic. I’ve always known that deep inside I wasn’t a Catholic anymore. For starters, I never have or never did believe in Jesus Christ. I’m not the type of person who believes in blind faith. I want to know what I’m getting myself into before I believe in it. I’m that kind of a person. But being Catholic means that you should put your faith in the saints or in Jesus Christ without questioning why. All you need to do is to believe.

But I miss the rituals. I miss making the sign of the cross when I’m nervous. I miss praying to God. I miss feeling small and insignificant. I miss asking for blessings. I miss talking to God. I miss having a friend. 

A Buddhist writer wrote that there are two kinds of religions. The religion that brings you closer to God and a religion that puts a division between you and God. He wrote that Christianity is a religion that separates you and God. And Buddhism is a type of religion or belief that brings you one step closer to God.

I still have yet to feel that in practicing Buddhism. I still have to feel that I am part of God. Because as a Catholic, I was always in awe of God. But now, that I’ve been told that I have Buddha-nature or that I am part of God, I feel not much powerful but much more responsible for myself.

I know this is just a test to my new faith. I know that in time, I’ll learn to love my new faith. But I do miss going to the Catholic churches. I miss hearing mass. I miss participating in the rituals.

I wrote my friend about my new journey. I told her that I don’t feel as if I can go back anymore. No matter how much I want to go back, my old religion just doesn’t make me happy anymore. I’ve outgrown my old faith but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it. I still do.

My old faith was part of who I am. But it’s no longer going to be part of who I’m going to become. I want to become a better person. I want to fulfill my true potential. I don’t want to be self-destructive anymore. I don’t want to be passive and unhappy. I want to actively participate in my own happiness and peace of mind. But it’s so hard.

When I was a Catholic, I put all my trust in God. I was very passive. But becoming a Buddhist is hard work. Everyday, you have to struggle with your own negativity and your own flaws. Everyday is a constant struggle to be the kind of person you want to be.

I feel as if I’m taking a slide. Maybe this is part of it. This is part of the test. But I feel so negative and so unhappy. I feel so sad. For the first time in a long time, I really feel so sad and so hopeless. But I must keep moving forward. There is no looking back.

It’s the same with my love life. Just when I thought I was making a breakthrough with my friend, I’m not. I feel as if I’ve lost him. And I feel as if I want to go back to my ex. My ex boyfriend wants me back. He has always wanted  me back. A part of me wants to go back. I’m tempted to go back to him. I want to run to him. He’s there. He’s available and I realize that I still love him.

I have  a colleague and he reminds me so much of my ex-boyfriend. My colleague is married but there’s something about him that just reminds me of my ex. And now, I’ve taken a back slide. It’s like playing Snakes and Ladders. Just when I thought I was right on top of things, I slide back down to square one.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I feel so negative. It’s been like that for three days now. Hopefully, I’ll move forward and never look back. Whatever awaits me, I’m ready for it. It’s the perils of practicing a new faith. It’s one of the perils of trying to find yourself. But it’s a risk I want to take.

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