A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Gaining Something

I guess when I entered into my new practice, I didn’t know what exactly I was getting myself into. I didn’t realize that I had to give up a few things. And it took me a while to realize that the thing that I had to give up was difficult to give up. I had to give up a part of myself. I had to give up being a Catholic.

I’m in the mourning period right now. And I can’t help but cry. When I went to sleep, tears were streaming down my eyes. When I woke up, the tears were still streaming. I feel such a profound loss.  

Being a Catholic has been so much a part of who I am. I was so excited about the hope that Buddhism brings but I forgot that I had to give up one thing. And that one thing was my old faith.

It’s the same with my ex-boyfriend. I realize that I still love him. Before I went to sleep, I was crying and when I woke up, I was still crying. The tears just wouldn’t stop flowing.

My ex-boyfriend was a big part of my life. I met him when I was nineteen years old, long before I knew what love was. Long before I knew how to love. But he taught me everything. He taught me how to love.

Our love was imperfect. When he got angry and impatient with me, he’d shout at me and insult me. He’d say, ” You’re such a spoiled brat.” But in the end, he’d always say, ” Even if you’re spoiled, I accept that about you. I still love you flaws and all.”

He’d always take my hand and marvel at it. He’d look at it like my hand was made of semi-precious stones. Then, he’d kiss my fingers and kiss the back of my hand. He loved and accepted me.

I realize that I still love my ex. I thought that I was in love with Richard ( I probably am but not as much ) but I’m more in love with my ex. The thing is, I can’t go back to my ex. Just like my Catholic faith, he’s a relic of my past. He was part of who I was, but not part of who I want to become. I can’t go back, even if I want to.

It’s really hard. Deep inside I’m hurting. Deep inside I’m mourning. The tears just keep on coming. But I can’t change unless I give up something and that something is my ex.

I keep asking myself why I want to give up such a good thing. I’m a Catholic. I’ve always loved being a Catholic. My ex loves me. He’s always loved me. He even said that he’d swallow his pride and wouldn’t hesitate to beg for me to take him back. Why would I risk losing two things that I hold dear just for Buddhism? Why would I risk anything at all?

I think I already know the answer. Risking means growing. And I’m so tired of being the same old me. I’m so tired of being depressed. I’m so tired of being unhappy. I’m so tired of being dissatisfied with my life. I’m so tired of not risking. I’m so tired of trying to live within a certain boundary. I want to live. And I want to really live. And I want to find my purpose in life. And I don’t think I can do that if I still remain a Catholic. I can’t find new love unless I put myself out there.

I may mourn the loss of two things that I hold dear but I will be gaining a lot. I choose this road. I choose growth. I choose freedom. I choose happiness.

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