A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Special Friendship

I received the most wonderful and most funny message from Richard yesterday. I was smiling and blushing at the same time while I was reading it. I could never explain it but he has that effect on me. I know that Buddhists shouldn’t depend on external factors for happiness, but I can’t help it. He makes me happy. Or rather, knowing him has made me so happy.

My friendship with Richard started rather very awkwardly. I was attracted to him. I’d like to think that he was attracted to me too. We tried rather unsuccessfully to get to know each other at work but somehow there were always barriers. When Richard resigned from work, that’s when our friendship really began.

Before it was rather awkward and even if I was attracted to him, I felt that he was the most boring person I’ve ever met. But as I got to know him, my opinion of him changed. He’s a lot more interesting in many ways. And now that he’s showing his true self, I can really say that we have started our special friendship.

At work, I sometimes got so annoyed when he tried to act all charming and all. I always hated the fact that he was rather awkward around me. He’d try to approach me but when he’d successfully done that, he’d say nonsensical things. Or he tends to babble when he’s around me. And I hated it so much. I wanted him to show his real self when he’s around me. He never did that until recently when we started to communicate outside of work. That’s when he showed his real side.

We have this friendship that I can’t describe. Although we communicate every which way we can, there’s this sense of connection that is undeniable. And everytime he contacts me, or talks to me, I’m very grateful. Knowing him has made me a more grateful person. I can never explain that. I just feel differently about him. That’s why I call him my special friend. And I’d like to think that I’m also his special friend.

 I don’t know if Richard is responsible for the changes in myself. Maybe just partly. But before I met Richard, I was not human. I haven’t felt human in a long time. I was like the walking undead. My senses were dulled. I was basically a zombie. My ex-boyfriend used to quarrel with me with regards to that. He’d say that I was not human because I didn’t show any emotions.

I was stiff and serious. Whenever my ex-boyfriend would touch my hand, I’d stiffen up. Whenever we had an argument, he’d get angry because I’d rarely display emotion except when I was really, really  mad. I remember one particular fight that we had. My ex-boyfriend was so angry with me because I didn’t say anything while we were together. I didn’t do anything. Basically, I was playing dead with him. He got so mad that he punched the wall.

He kept asking me, ” What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you doing anything?”

The last time we met, my ex-boyfriend and I sat down together to talk, he got so angry again but this time for a different reason. He could sense that I had changed. That I was a different person. And he got angry because I didn’t show that side of me until after our relationship was over.

” I’ve changed you know, ” I told him. ” Do you know that I dance now?”

” Really?”

” I also am not so afraid of what other people would say. I’m a different person.”

Before we parted ways, I hugged him, something that I rarely do in public. And sometimes, something that I rarely did in private with him. My ex-boyfriend got so angry.

” Why didn’t you show this side of you before? Why are you like this only now?”

He wasn’t exactly angry at me. He was angry at the situation. Just when I started to emerge out of my shell, that’s when our relationship ended. But the relationship I had with him, encouraged me to hide deeper and deeper into my shell. And I felt that he didn’t understand or know the real me. And now that the real me emerged, he got angry because I didn’t make him a part of that.

A part of me still loves my ex. There’s a possibility that we could get back together. But then, when I try to compare how I feel for my ex and how I feel for Richard, there’s just a big difference. I know it’s not good to compare but it’s just different with Richard.

If I lose Richard in my life, I’d be so sad. There are times that I miss him so much that I’m afraid to see him. Because I know that when I go out to see him, I’d have to say goodbye to him and I can’t handle that.

I don’t know what it is that I feel for him exactly. All I know is that it’s good. All I know is that I’ve become a more grateful person since he came into my life. And I don’t care to define what we have right now. All I can say is that it’s a special kind of friendship. And words can’t sometimes express how I feel which is unusual because I’ve always had words to describe everything.

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