Period of Transition

July 9, 2007 at 7:41 am · Filed under My Soul's Journey

I don’t know how to cope. I think I’m still heartbroken. It’s been ten years since my first and last relationship. I never thought that I’d say goodbye to my decade-long relationship forever. Even if I was unhappy in that relationship, I guess deep inside, I wanted it to last. And now, I’m saying goodbye to it forever.

Now I’m at the brink of starting a new relationship. It’s a relationship that is ten times better than my previous relationship. It’s a relationship based on friendship and understanding. I never had that with my ex-boyfriend. We were never friends.

I would start talking about my problems and he’d get mad at me for thinking negatively. And he’d say, ” Don’t start talking about your problems because I don’t want to be affected by it.” When I’d talk about my childhood, he’d say, ” Don’t talk about your past. Just don’t. ”

When we’d argue and he’d start to say hurtful things, I would tell him, ” Why are you raising your voice? Why can’t we just talk normally? Why can’t you just understand what’s in my heart? Why can’t you read what’s on my mind?” Even if we talked, we never communicated. Communication entails understanding, but we never had that. He’d always get defensive. He would often label himself as a ‘bad man’ but he was the one who gave himself that label. I never labeled him as such. I guess, he always had some innate guilt for being an addict. But I loved him or at least tried to love him despite his addiction.

It’s not hard to forgive him for what he has done to me. I knew I attracted him for a reason. I was trapped in a very dark period in my life. And he was there. He was available. They say doomed spirits are bound to each other. People who are sad and negative get drawn to each other. Misery loves company or so they say. That’s why I met him. That’s why I was drawn to him. I was miserable and he was miserable. We became miserable together.

It was a hard relationship. It was a tough relationship. I thought that we’d weather all the storms. We did in a way, but at the end of it all, the relationship just wasn’t worth saving.

My ex-boyfriend told me that he loved me but he seldom showed it. There was insincerity on his part. And I often told him that I loved him but I never really defended him. He wanted me to choose him over my family, but I felt that he wasn’t worth the risk. He sensed that and he retaliated. I think in the end, we got what we deserved. A relationship that was half-baked. A relationship that fell apart because the foundations were weak.

My ex-boyfriend would tell me hurtful things. I’d tell him hurtful things. It’s a tragic case of love begets love and hate begets hate. It was a painful relationship. I endured it because I believed that I deserved a painful relationship. And I feel that my negativity is sabotaging what I have with my friend, Richard.

My ex-boyfriend loved me in his own way. But I don’t think he believed that I was the right one for him, the same way that I didn’t believe that he was the right one for me. We made each other miserable instead of happy.

I forgive him for the hurtful things that he said, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t continue to remember. He said to me lots of times that no one else was going to love me the way he loved me. In essence, he was telling me that I wasn’t worthy to be loved unless I was loved by him. And I believed that lie because I felt that I deserved it. That I deserved our relationship. That I deserved to be unhappy.

And when we’d argue he’d always say, ” You won’t ever find a man who will agree to all the things that you say.” But I never wanted his approval. I just wanted his understanding. But I never got that.  In our ten years together, I never got that.

It’s ironic that he’d say all those things and then I’d meet someone like Richard who understands me and who listens to me. And I know in my heart, that Richard, is the answer to my prayers. And I’m happy that he’s my friend.

For several weeks now, I have allowed myself to heal. It took me years to acknowledge the pain. And now that I am acknowledging the pain and the hurt, I know that it’s part of the process of healing and moving on.

I have a fear though that my past relationship and my negativity will sabotage my new relationship or friendship with Richard. I won’t allow it to happen. I want to be happy. And I know now that happiness is a choice. Happiness is a decision. And I will make that decision. I will be free.

I know that what I’m going through is just a period of transition. I’ve switched from an old religion to a new religion. From Catholicism to Buddhism. And I’m switching from from an old relationship to a new relationship, the one that is based on true friendship. And it hasn’t been easy but I know that this is just a phase in my life. And eventually, I will attain true happiness.

They say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. And I am making one giant leap. And I wish for a life of happiness and fulfillment.

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