A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

How To Cry The Buddhist Way

During my lunch break, I was supposed to take a forty minute nap. But as I was trying to sleep on the couch, an overwhelming surge of sadness came upon me. I started to remember my previous relationship and the suffering I endured.

I guess, I can’t completely move on if I don’t allow myself to heal. I feel that it’s time for me to move on since I’m now entering into a new kind of relationship– a one based on love, friendship and respect.

I sat on the couch and started crying. I didn’t try to push back my tears. I just cried. I ignored the person behind me who was sleeping. I just cried and cried. I didn’t want to deny the pain anymore. I know that by crying tears of sadness, I was somehow freeing myself from all the pain that I didn’t allow myself to feel all those years. It was time to let all the emotions flow.

There was a particular memory that brought about the sadness and the loss. It was a memory of my EX. We were in the pizzeria. We ate and we talked. I don’t remember what our conversation was. We never really had one of those memorable conversations because we were never really friends. We were lovers and our relationship was mostly physical than emotional. My EX then started getting serious. He started to tell me about the book that he read about marriage. And how I was somehow the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

From the very beginning, I knew in my heart that my EX wasn’t the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Although I loved him, I didn’t feel that he was the one. I didn’t try to keep it from him. I was honest about it. But my honesty fell on deaf ears. He believed with all his heart that I was the girl that he was going to marry. He ignored the fact that I was unhappy with him. And the he was unhappy with me.

When we’d argue he’d often say that love isn’t enough. But I always disagreed. Love is always enough but the kind of love that we had was the one that was lacking. We loved and yet we didn’t love all the way. We held back. I held back and he held back. But true love doesn’t hold back. True love takes courage. But both of us were cowards. We loved and yet we didn’t love courageously.

My EX started reading a passage from the bible. Something from Corinthians 13. He started to read, ” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” He read it with so much sincerity and passion. At that time, I felt that I wanted to marry him. I wanted to believe him. At that moment, I loved him. But that moment passed by quickly. And before we knew it, reality had started to sink in.

Our reality was far from the truth. We didn’t have an ideal relationship. Far from it. It was a very painful relationship. Something that has scarred me for life.

I wanted to believe in the kind of love that we had. I wanted to believe my EX. But the kind of love he showed me was inconsistent. One day, he’d be at his best. Then the next day, he’d be his old self again. He was loving and kind to me. But he was also capable of so much anger and unkindness. Our love was a roller coaster love. There were ups and downs. But in our case, there were more downs than ups.

What I really wanted from my EX was proof that he could change. I waited and I waited for years. There were times he’d act like a responsible person. But most of the times he was irresponsible and impulsive. He would tell me that he loved me, but somehow there was always a hint of insincerity in his words. He told me that he loved me but his actions said otherwise.

It took me a long time to accept this, but my EX did take advantage of my generosity. He knew that my family had money and even if he told me that he would never take advantage of me, he did. He took advantage several times. I never really complained because I loved him. But in 90 percent of our dates, I was the one who paid for everything. He’d often ask money from me. Although I was uncomfortable with it, I gave him what he needed.

He stole something from me. I have forgiven him but the pain of betrayal is still there. I tried so many times to tell him how I felt, but he’d get angry and hurt. It happened often with him. We’d talk and yet we never really communicated. It was always so hard to get through him. He had so many defenses.

He’d label me a spoiled brat and a rich brat. He would tell me hurtful things. We knew each other for ten years but then, he never really knew me. He doesn’t even know that I sing. He has never heard me sing.

My EX knows my body intimately but he doesn’t know me intimately. He doesn’t know my pains and hurts. And he doesn’t know that I was lonely even when I was with him. He’d also tell me that he was lonely and unhappy. We were both miserable together. We stayed together because we loved each other and also because we were used to the misery of being together.

My EX wasn’t the only one who was guilty of not loving truly. I too was guilty of not loving him deeply. I kept a record of his wrongs. I was never kind to him. My ex was jealous and suspicious. He was always angry. Our love was imperfect. It wasn’t true love at all.

I have allowed myself to freely feel the pain. I have kept the pain all to myself all these years. It’s about time I let go of it.

I want to be happy. I want to be in a kind of relationship that is based on true love. I want to experience the kind of love that was mentioned in the Bible. Because without true love, I am only a ‘resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.’ I am but an empty shell without love.
We need love in our lives. I need love. I am ready for love. And I want to accept love. I want to embrace it.

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