A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Dream But Not Dream

 It is not so easy to walk the Middle Way. It’s the hardest path to walk. Anytime, you could fall off if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes courage to walk the middle way. And it takes determination.

I’ve been reading spiritual books. And I’m currently reading a book titled Enlightenment Made Simple written by Vikas Malkani. He mentions the great spiritual leaders of humanity– Jesus Christ and Buddha. He has described Enlightenment in a way that is understandable. And since I’m starting to be awakened myself, at least, I know that I am not losing my sanity. That the things that I have been experiencing are valid and true.

 Ever since I became a Buddhist, strange things have happened in my life. My mind could not accept the coincidences that have been happening to me. But as our Buddhist leader said, there are no coincidences. Everything that happens to us, happens for a reason.

 I’ve been chanting a lot. And the more I chant, the more I realize things. It happens spontaneously and I always feel a wave of energy when I make that realization. And if I try to think about it, I could hardly accept it. But if I feel it, I know that it is valid and true. It would seem that only my heart can accept it. My mind, which has been conditioned for years not to believe, will always resist.

Several weeks ago, I came upon a realization that everything was an illusion. I was walking and I found myself fading. It was a strange sensation. I was dreaming and yet I was not dreaming. I was awake and yet I was not awake. And because I couldn’t accept it at that time, I was afraid. I became very afraid.

I was scared that I would disappear. That I was getting out of touch with reality. But strangely enough, I knew that it was real and yet it was not real. Ever since I started chanting, I’ve felt that life is a dream and not a dream. That everything is an illusion. That I am an illusion. But because my mind couldn’t accept it at that time, I became very fearful.

For a time, I became very sad. If life is but an illusion, what’s the use of living? Why should I continue to go on living? If everything is but a dream, and I know it is but a dream, why should I continue?

Then I started to get unhappy again. And I feared what I learned. I thought I was hopeless. I didn’t want to live anymore. But then came a feeling inside of me. Perhaps deep inside of me, I still want to live. So, I started chanting and slowly, I began to find myself again.

If you take Buddhism to the extreme, you can sense that it can be nihilistic. But I know that it’s just a phase in my awareness and realization. It’s just one of the many steps that I have to take in order to reach the summit. It’s just a path to self-discovery. And strangely enough, in order to find your true self, you have to lose your self, then you have to go back to your self.

I’ve been reading the book and the author mentioned that our reality is an illusion but it doesn’t mean that we should’t still try to live in this world. This world is the world of action. This is where the Law of Karma takes effect. This is where our desires and dreams are manifested physically. 

I feel in my heart that there’s a reason why I exist. I am meant to experience being human. I am meant to experience pain, suffering, unhappiness, sorrow. But I am also meant to experience love, happiness, joy and gratitude. And without my negative experiences, I would never fully appreciate the positives in my life. So everything has a reason. Nothing is ever wasted in the universe.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet but slowly I am beginning to understand that we are meant here to find God in everything. We are meant to live out our dreams. We are here to exist.  We are here to live and to feel life.

I know that with more chanting and more experience, I will come to realize my purpose in life. And yes, it would be wonderful to feel what the author has mentioned– to find God in everything. How wonderful that would be. But what’s most wonderful would be to find God in my own existence.

I am equipped with knowledge now. But I have to learn how to live it.

Perhaps soon, I will feel that bliss of knowing my true self and of knowing God. And I know that my life will come full circle, as it always does. I will find that in my quest for God, God was within me all along. But I still need to take that journey. I need to experience life.

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