A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Buddhism Means Acceptance

A few months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t accept that my own flesh and blood would betray me. I couldn’t accept that my first degree cousin, who I had loved and who I had befriended, would be interested in me in a sexual way.

On the night I found out what my cousin’s intention was, I broke down in tears. I was shivering. My entire body was shaking. I couldn’t accept that he was capable of such madness. I was shaking because I couldn’t accept that it was happening all over again.

When I was four-years old– still too young to understand yet old enough to remember– my own uncle abused me in the most unnatural way. He played with me and he sexually abused me and my relative.

I never talked about it to my family. But I have talked about it to almost all of my friends– all except the friends that have a connection to my family. They all know my history. I never hid it from them.

On the night of my breakdown, my entire body was shaking. I slept to this. When I woke up, my body was still shaking. I couldn’t accept what had happened to me. Then, I realized something very important. I realized that unless I stood up and asked for help, I would completely lose my sanity.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I went downstairs and pretended that I was all right. Outside I was calm. But deep inside, I was trembling. I asked a cousin to drive me to the clinic. He was the first one in our family to know of my breakdown. Later, I would tell my other cousin. They’re the only two people in my family who know of my breakdown.

I consulted with a psychiatrist. She was lovely and calm. She looked like an angel. I felt that she was going to be my savior. She was in a way, my savior. But she’s just one among the many angels who have saved me. I know now that angels don’t just come into your life. If you want salvation, it is you who invite the angels into your life. If you want salvation, you have to allow yourself to be saved.

My psychiatrist mentioned Buddhism. She mentioned something about karmic cycle. At first, it made no sense. She said that what happened to me right now, has a purpose. It was my karma. It happened again to me, because when I was four years old, I had no choice, and I was helpless against incest. It took me a while to absorb all that she had said. But the thing that really gave me hope was when she told me that I had a choice. That I had a choice of cleansing my family tree by planting my own good seed.

She said that I should strive to be the good branch in our dirty family tree. And her words of wisdom have guided me ever since then.

A series of events led me to study and practice Buddhism. I follow the Buddhism of the Middle Way.

But the path has been hard. Right from the very beginning, I had difficulties in practicing. I couldn’t accept the changes in my life. I couldn’t accept my past. I couldn’t accept my fear of happiness. I couldn’t accept my fear of love. When I started, I had rejected life.

But the more I studied, and the more I allowed myself to experience life, the more I realized what Buddhism is all about. Essentially, I discovered what life was all about.

Buddhism as well as life means acceptance. Once I started to understand that, I started to make progress. I started to understand the nature of my life.

Acceptance means accepting everything– that there is suffering and yet that there is more to life than suffering; that unhappiness is necessary in order for us to know real happiness; that fear has a purpose; that love should be at the center of our lives; that happiness is a choice; that there would always be physical death; that pain is a necessity; that tragedies have a purpose; that sadness has majesty; that all the bad things that happen to us has a reason; that humans have desires and needs; that materialism is sometimes necessary; that wisdom should be at the center of our lives.

It took me months to realize this. But when I realized that Buddhism means acceptance, that’s when I could begin my real journey.

There might be good days and bad days but I have accepted that. And acceptance means happiness. And that happiness means acceptance.


1 Comment»

  mastrad wrote @

right, acceptance, from one side, is important for us to have a happy life. from the other side, we have to work on ourselves to improve our personalities.

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