A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

To Love Or Not To Love

My workmates want me to go out with this other guy at work. They think we’re a match. This new guy reminds me of my EX boyfriend. They have the same features. I have talked to him and he seems like a smart guy. My ego agrees with him but my heart loves someone else.

I love Richard. And sometimes I wish I didn’t love him. We’re at this point in our relationship where we’re in a stalemate. We can’t move backward and we can’t move forward. All it takes is a little honesty and then perhaps there’s going to be progress in our relationship. But I’m such a coward. Can I really say to a man that I love him without knowing if he loves me in return? Am I willing to take that risk? What if he’ll tell me that he doesn’t love me? What if he can’t love me back? Will I be able to take it?

I’m going to go out on a date with two guys. I don’t particularly like them. I’m not particularly attracted to them. But I feel that it’s something I have to do. I love Richard but I’m confused as to what we really are.

I know I’m the only cause to my own unhappiness. My heart tells me to just risk it. But my mind tells me to hold back. And now I have made myself unhappy for not being honest about how I really feel.

I could be leaving in a couple of months. And I hope that I’ll still have time to tell Richard how much he means to me.

I know that it is wrong to be attached to someone. When you’re a Buddhist you’re supposed to understand that relationships are temporary. And that attachments will just pull you down. But a part of me has accepted that I’m only just human. What’s the use of feelings and emotions if you’re not supposed to feel them?

When I remember and am aware of the true nature of life, I feel grateful. I feel so happy every moment. But there are times when my mundane existence drags me down.

But should I risk falling in love? Or should I just try to live a life of a coward? That’s the question I have to answer soon.

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