A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Changed Reality

I miss my old life. I miss the predictability of it all. After I broke up with my EX, I spent four years of my life recovering from my wounds. So, I spent those years living a life of predictability. After work, I’d go to the gym at exactly 5 PM and go home two or three hours later. Then, the next day, I’d go to work again. In the afternoons, I’d spend it in the gym. This went on for several years. I still miss that life.

The only thing is, I felt half-alive. But at least, my world was predictable. I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel. I didn’t let anyone in. Although I met new friends, I still kept the old friends. I’d be very fearful if I go home past eleven PM. My father would call me if it was past my curfew. I didn’t drink any alcoholic beverages. I never went to the disco. I shunned crowded places. If I saw a stranger, I was never friendly. I interacted only with people I wanted to interact with. I felt like an automaton but somehow I preferred the life that I have then over the life that I have now.

Ever since I became a Buddhist, my life crumbled. Of course it was already crumbling even before I became a Buddhist. It was only a matter of time before it did. I could never escape my past. I was wounded for life.

But as soon as I became a Buddhist, my perception about the world changed. In fact, my perception about my existence changed. I realized that my life was an illusion. That I am an illusion. That everything around me is an illusion. I couldn’t accept it at first. I thought I was real and that my suffering was real. I can’t put it exactly into words but I can try to sum it up. Life is a dream but not a dream. It is real and yet it is not.

When you become a Buddhist, everything changes. Your world changes. And everything that you thought you knew is wrong. And you have to deal with the fact that you know nothing. And you have to start from scratch.

Last night I had a conversation with one of my colleagues. I told her about my Buddhism experience.

” At least you found something that makes you happy, ” she said.

” Yes it does. But then, Buddhism is different. It changes you drastically,” I said.

” What do you mean?”

” If you met me a year ago, I was this introverted girl who never spoke to anyone unless I knew them personally. I was shy and barely spoke to people. I repressed my emotions. I was like a robot.”

” What happened?” she asked.

” A lot of things happened. Buddhism happened. Once I became a Buddhist, I changed. My entire perception changed. If you’re not ready for the change and if you’re not ready for the realization, you’d go crazy. The truth is really hard to take.”

There are times when I regret becoming a Buddhist. I sometimes want to go back to the way I was. Back when I was an automaton. Back when my life was predictable. I was unhappy but so what? At least I was happy in my unhappiness.

Buddhism is so hard. Your enemy is your own self. I have to deal with my negativity everyday. There are times when I achieve rapture. There are times when I am overflowing with happiness from within. I feel grateful for the life that I’ve been given. And when I thought I have finally understood life, I’m humbled again.

Buddhism forces you to accept your humanity. It forces you to accept who you are. It forces you to accept suffering and unhappiness. The world outside of yourself becomes a mirror of the world inside yourself. And people and circumstances become a mirror of who you are inside.

You can never judge people. For you are them, and they are you only in a different form. And you start to think, would you really have done anything different given the same circumstance? You can never judge people. You can only feel compassion for them.

I know that someday soon, I will achieve total enlightenment. But for now, I have to totally accept my changed reality.

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