A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Gently Down The Stream

I wonder how many people are already awake from this dream that we call life? I know that there have been others before me who woke up to the true nature of things. There were Buddhas before me and Buddhas after me. But since I have just begun to slowly open my eyes to the true nature of things, I don’t know how to feel. I feel happy and I feel sad.

I feel happy because I realize that I can be above suffering now. I feel sad because my life is just an illusion. I feel sad because I am just an illusion. But what a convincing illusion I am. And what a convincing reality this all is.

I am not yet fully awakened because I still suffer. I still suffer from the burden of my knowledge and realizations. My awakening was gradual. And I chose a vehicle– chanting– to awaken to the true nature of things. But I still feel sad.

I feel sad because all my life, my pain and my sufferings have been unreal. And even the joys and the happiness is not real. And now, I’m questioning whether the love I have for Richard is real or not. It is real but at the same time it is not real. But how I love him so. I truly love him. A part of me wants to shield him from the truth. That’s how much I love him. But a part of me wants to tell him the truth. And  I feel that he chose me as a vehicle to awaken to the true nature of life.

Richard started the chain of awakening. When  I met him, there was something real and not real about him. There were too many coincidences when we’re together. They call it synchronicity. There were instances when I felt that he was made up. That the scenario that we were together was made up. That he was a dream and yet not a dream.

Then I heard about The Secret. The Secret revealed that everything that you wish for  will be granted. I started to question and doubt it but it is the truth or at least part of the truth. My wishes so far have been granted– the trip to Europe, meeting Richard, etc.

And once you question why, you get to the truth or at least the other part of the missing puzzle. We are creators of our lives because the reality that we live in is one big illusion. We are dreamers who are living in a dream. And yet, it is an illusion that is so elaborate that we have forgotten the truth.

And even that is still not the whole truth. It is just part of the truth. I don’t know as to why the illusion was created or why suffering was created. Is suffering necessary? Is joy and bliss necessary? Is my awakening necessary? How should I live my life?

I have so many questions in my mind. But at least, I am luckier than some. Some have awakened to the truth and feel so alone. It must be a scary thought to wake up from a dream and to know that all the while, you were dreaming.

I’m lucky because I found Buddhism. It’s a sort of a shield. Without it, I would have lost my sanity. It makes sense why Buddha calls himself the awakened one.

I know that it is just part of my process of awakening. But I feel so sad and so lost. It’s like finding yourself in the middle of the ocean and the sight of land is several thousand miles away. You don’t know which way to go.

Now that I  know part of the truth, I can’t go back.  I can only move forward.



  Jessica wrote @

i think what you wrote is very amazing. i loved it. [= keep on writing. your writing is a way of letting your emotions out. take the bad and the good and don’t forget that no one can change you. just like in your letter to your ex. no one can take your life and love experiences away from you. that’s something you will keep with you until the day you die. i know i’m going through a really rough patch in time right now. my boyfriend and i broke up a few months ago. and i’m still sour from the feeling. regret. unhappiness. you know the drill. KEEP ON WRITING. your fckn awsome! <3.

  ablogaday wrote @

Thank you for the comment. I really love readers’ feedback. I’ve been remiss on my writing duties though due to work. I should be writing at least one post a day for my blog but I get so tired with work. I work the graveyard shift by the way. There’s a little something inside of me that is waiting to be written. I’m going to take the time to write it all down. Thanks!

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