A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

State of Unhappiness

When I was a little girl of around eleven years old, my dream was to become a wife and a mother. I aspired to be a housewife. It was a silly dream that young girls have. I realized then that I was just a very simple girl even back then.

When I became a college student, it was my dream to become a doctor. I would have gone to med school if I chose. I was more than capable of handling the stress. But then, my simple nature allowed me to think that perhaps if I became a doctor, I would not have enough time for my family. And I wanted to start a family at a young age. But sadly, it was not to be.

My dreams of med school and of starting a family got sidelined by depression and by being in love with the wrong man. I don’t blame the outside circumstances at all. My unhappy environment was just a reflection of my unhappy state.

The type of Buddhism I practice emphasizes that the environment and the self are one and the same. If you are in a state of anger, your environment would naturally reflect that. If you are not aware or conscious yet, the unhappiness of the external environment can cause you to be unhappy as well. But if you are in a state of unwavering happiness, even the external circumstances that are beyond your control, would not affect you as much. And your happiness inside would emanate and radiate towards your environment and initiate positive change.

Love is fire,
It is because of the pain of love, millions of people live a loveless life. They too suffer, and their suffering is futile. To suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. To suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. To suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle. The man who is without love is narcissistic, he is closed. He knows only himself. And how much can he know himself if he has not known the other, because only the other can function as a mirror? You will never know yourself without knowing the other. Love is very fundamental for self-knowledge too. The person who has not known the other in deep love, in intense passion, in utter ecstasy, will not be able to know who he is, because he will not have the mirror to see his own reflection.

 

— Osho On LOVE

I accept that right now my issue is about relationships. I am at the point in my life where I have to choose whether to move one or to choose and risk love. And because of my confusion, my external environment also shows that.

Love is a ladder,
It starts with one person, it ends with the totality. Love is the beginning, God is the end. To be afraid of love, to be afraid of the growing pains of love, is to remain enclosed in a dark cell.

— Osho On LOVE

I have a complicated situation with my friend and with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend has just recently declared that he wants me back. I wasn’t pleased when I heard the news. I was depressed in fact. Then of course, there’s this complicated relationship with a friend that I have already fallen for.

I admit and I accept that there are times when I question why I am still single at this age. I admit that I envy my friends and other people for being in a fulfilling relationship.

There are times when I engage myself in self-pity. I keep asking myself if there is something wrong with me. There are many people who are less good looking than I am, and yet they have boyfriends. I keep asking myself why no one would find a good-looking girl and a very kind girl like me appealing. But then I realize that it is only my ego that is talking. I am single right now partly because of choice ( unconsciously of course ) and partly out of fear.

Love is an open sky,
To be in love is to be on the wing. But certainly, the unbounded sky creates fear. And to drop the ego is very painful because we have been taught to cultivate the ego.

— Osho On LOVE

I want and desire true love and yet I see it in front of me and I am afraid to grab the opportunity. I desire a fulfilling relationship yet I am afraid to take the first step. I am not attracting love into my life because I have so much fears about it.I have been badly hurt. My heart has been badly hurt that I am afraid to love and to be loved. My external environment is just a reflection of what I am inside.

There are no suitors insight because I feel that I am not ready to love and to be loved. My friend Richard has stopped trying because of my confusion and because of my doubts in him. And the fact that my ex-boyfriend has come back means that I am unwilling to let go of the past.

Relationship is a mirror, and the purer the love is, the higher the love is, the better the mirror, the cleaner the mirror. But the higher love needs that you should be open. The higher love needs you to be vulnerable. You have to drop your armor; that is painful. You have not to be constantly on guard. You have to drop the calculating mind. You have to risk. You have to live dangerously.

— Osho on LOVE

My environment is just a mirror of what I am inside. And the only way for me to overcome this obstacle is to confront myself and to ask myself the right questions– do I want to let love in my life or not? Once I have answered that question, I know there would be changes in my life.

So I have to accept the fact that I am frustrated right now. I have to accept the fact that I envy other people for having what I don’t have.

I just recently had a chat with my friend. I admit that a part of me envies her. She got married and had a kid. She is now pregnant with her second baby. Then, in the middle of our chat, I had another realization.

This was my realization:

I realize why I’m not married yet and why I’m not in a relationship. I am not ready for it yet. It’s a process that I have to go through. You got married and had kids because it was what you wanted and because at that time, you were ready for it. I realize that even if I desire having a relationship more than anything, I’m not really ready for it. I know that once I’m ready, the universe would just show me the way.

It’s just funny how you know so much but you don’t actually know how much you know unless you look inside of yourself for the answers.

My state of unhappiness is transient and temporary. I know at the end of this would be great realization. And I know that not too far behind is the wisdom and the strength to go for love and to allow love to come into my life.

Love is the only real thing worth doing. All else is secondary. If it helps love, it is good. All else is just a means, love is the end. So whatsoever the pain, go into love. If you don’t go into love, as many people have decided, then you are stuck with yourself. Then your life is not a pilgrimage, then your life is not a river going to the ocean; your life is a stagnant pool, dirty, and soon there will be nothing but dirt and mud.

— Osho On LOVE

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