A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Finding Forgiveness

I told my friend Mitzi about what happened to me as a child. She said that there was a change in me. A certain positive glow. A certain aura that she was drawn to. And when I told her my story she started to feel sad for me. I felt her sadness and I felt my sadness. I don’t know where the sadness came from but for that moment when we were together, we both felt it.

” You’re so positive. I can’t imagine what you went through. I thought that it only happened in movies. I can’t imagine that someone I know would actually go through that,” she said. She looked at me with a sad expression on her face.

I didn’t want to tell her about my sexual abuse but she couldn’t understand why I kept saying that Buddhism had such an impact on me. And when I told her the real story, she almost cried.

” It’s okay. I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted my karma. I know that perhaps it was something that my ancestor did in the past. I don’t take it personally that I’m the recipient of bad karma,” I told her rather matter-of-factly.

” I don’t think you have really healed completely,” she told me frankly.

When I felt like crying that’s when I knew that she was right. But I was so glad that she pointed it out to me. She was right. Although I accept my karma, I still have to find forgiveness in my heart.

” You’re right. And I thank you for pointing it out. I can’t forgive my uncle yet. I can’t. But I know I’ll get there,” I finally spoke.

Before we left, she gave me a hug and a sad look was on her face.

” I can’t believe that we’re parting on such a sad note,” she said.

” It’s okay. We’ll see each other again.”

” I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel so sad. I feel like crying.”

” It’s okay,” I said.

Mitzi gave me a hug and left.

The sad thing is, Mitzi is so right. I haven’t forgiven yet. And I know that forgiveness is a process. I know that I’ll find that within myself. And if I can truly forgive my uncle, that’s when I can say that I’ve truly healed. But deep wounds take time to heal. I know I’ll get there. I think I’m already on my way to forgiveness.

True forgiveness means understanding. True forgiveness means not taking things personally. But right now, my wounds are far too deep. I can’t forgive my uncle yet. But once I do, I’ll be the happiest person on this earth.

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