A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Lost

I bought a new brassier today. It’s sky blue and it’s really nice. Before that I bought a new pair of shoes. And before that, I bought an expensive watch. I’ve been having this need to acquire things recently. Maybe there’s an inner need for something that I’m unconscious of. I have some idea what it is. Perhaps I know it already.

I know that I’m on the right track with my career and all. I know I’m also on the right track with my chosen religion or spiritual practice. But I know I’m not on the right track to love.

I know I love Richard. There are days that I miss him terribly so. But the thing is, recently, I’ve been thinking that I’m happy just the way I am and I don’t need anyone else. Of course, to be happy for the way things are is good. But to feel that you don’t need anyone is not so good.

I have this tendency to repress my emotions. And Richard knows a thing or two about that. I do that to him a lot. When I’m around him, sometimes I repress. But repressing emotions only takes you so far. Somehow, something has got to give.

I thought I was on the right track. I’m slowly starting to appreciate my independence. But I realize and a friend also told me that independence can never really go away. It’s not something that you have to flaunt. It just is.

I think that’s what’s wrong with me. I’m too independent sometimes that I feel that I don’t need anyone. It’s a good trait of course to be self-reliant, but to feel that you don’t need anyone, that is a different thing.  No man is an island as they say.

I feel lost somehow. I know when I started this journey, I had some clue on what my goal was. But somehow, along the way I have forgotten what I had set out to do. And that’s why I’m running around in circles. And that’s why I may never get to where my destination is. Sometimes we have to learn to look back at the person who we used to be and to learn to look at the person who we’ve become.

I have to go back to myself, so to speak. Because buying things feels empty. Being promoted at work, feels good but it still feels empty somehow. And having all the money in the world and buying whatever you want, although liberating, feels superficial and empty somehow. And I know that somehow, that isn’t what I want.

I’m lost and yet I feel that I will find myself somehow. And I will discover what’s really important.

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