A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Freedom From Misery

A year ago, I had a nervous breakdown and I just couldn’t deal with it. So, I went to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed by my doctor. She warned me that I would lose my sanity. Actually, it was a prediction more than a warning.

I still remember her words. She said, ” Once you remember your repressed memories about your sexual abuse, you will most certainly be institutionalized. You will lose your sanity. Because you’ve kept those memories for a reason. Once they resurface, you won’t be able to deal with it.”

My psychiatrist prescribed me anti-depressants but I wanted to hold off on taking them. She said that taking those pills would make my symptoms worse before they make them better. But she did say that the symptoms would get better after a while.

And I remember I said to myself, ” How sad. My happiness would only depend on a bottle of pills.”

I thought about it for a little while. Taking the pills would mean liberation from my suffering. But then, I didn’t want to depend on a bottle of pills for my happiness especially since I knew what the cause of my unhappiness was. And I secretly wished that there was something better than a bottle of pills. Perhaps I had an inkling that I had spiritual problems rather than a mental one. And so, I decided that I wouldn’t take them yet. My psychiatrist prescribed me brain vitamins, but she did tell me to come back after a few doses.

The brain vitamins was supposed to hold off my depression. It hadn’t. It worsened my symptoms. In fact, I had the worst time of my life. I would have a thousand thoughts flooding in one minute. There were episodes where I would just feel so sad and so unhappy.

During those episodes I would think of killing myself just to end my misery. There were times when I thought I was really going to die. The episodes lasted for hours where I would just stare into space while thoughts would invade my mind.

I don’t know how I managed to survive those terrible episodes. They were mentally draining and physically exhausting as well. I really don’t know what made me go on. I remember that I kept telling myself that things would get better and that I should hold off killing myself.

A few weeks later, my cousin came to me and invited me to join her. She told me that she was part of this Buddhist group.  She told me to try their prayer. And so since I had nothing to lose, I tried her prayer.

I had no idea how that simple prayer would have an impact on my life. It literally changed my life. I am happy now. I never thought that it would be possible that I would be free from my misery. Of course, there are still times that I get depressed. But the thing is, I don’t think of giving up on life anymore.

People have noticed that I’m more alive and happy than ever. People who know me from before don’t think I’m the same person. Of course, I’m experiencing some growing pains. But I know soon, I’ll get the hang of my new self.

I realized a lot of things. I realized that happiness is a choice. And once you make that choice to be happy, the universe will send you things that will assist you in order to attain that happiness.

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