A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Stalemate

I’m depressed but I don’t think about it. I don’t want to put more energy into something that would only make me want to give up on life. I still continue to pray. And I’m still hopeful that something good will come out of my loneliness.

I am lonely. Extremely lonely. I just don’t think about it because it’s going to weigh me down. But I can’t deny that I’m depressed. My symptoms may be diffused but I have the classic symptoms of depression which are:  loss of appetite, lack of energy, lack of interest in daily life and oversleeping. I’ve been oversleeping lately. In fact aside from praying, that’s all that I get to do. I don’t have an appetite. I eat perhaps once or twice a day. It would be a miracle if I eat more than twice a day. I just don’t like to eat anymore. It’s not that I want to get thinner. I just don’t have the appetite.

I guess that’s the problem with being too aware sometimes. There are times you just want to shut it off. I surprise myself really when I talk to people and I tell them things that I didn’t even realize I knew. I know of things that I don’t even know I understood. But apparently I have. It’s really strange.

I’m still grateful that I’m a Buddhist. But the kind of Buddhism that I’m practicing calls for inner transformation. And there’s a part of me that wants change so bad. And yet there’s a part of me that is comfortable just the way things are. But I know that sooner or later, I will have to exert more effort to completely transform myself.

I am unhappy in some aspects of my life. I’m happy with work. My family life is okay. I’m financially stable. I’m just unhappy when it comes to my love life. Words can’t express how lonely I feel. I long to be in a relationship so bad that if there was a man who would ask me out, I would immediately agree to go out with him. But there’s a part of me that wants to hold back. I don’t want to be in a relationship just because I want to be in a relationship. I want a relationship based on friendship, love and respect. And I don’t know if I ever had that with Richard. I don’t even want to wait around for him. I want to move on with my life. And yet, I can’t deny that I miss him so much.

I try not to think about missing him. It would be sad to miss someone and not know if that person misses you back. He probably doesn’t care. And why should I care?

This aspect of my life has got to change. I want to be in a happy relationship. And yet, I don’t even know where to begin.

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1 Comment»

  Andy wrote @

I just started reading your blog and I have to say that I feel for you. I’m right there with you when you talk about how you want to move on with your life, and yet you miss him so much and yet he probably doesn’t care.

While I’m a guy myself, I just got out of a relationship with a girl whom I was engaged to. I saw the post about your first relationship at 19 and admit that I’m going through something very similar to that. They promise the stars to you, knowing you’re a good man/person who’d they would think in all rationality that they’d like to share their entire life with. Then you find out about their actions behind your back and the lies they tell you to cover their tracks that incriminate them as to not actually truly knowing whether you’re what they want.

I dread going to sleep. That’s when I dream about getting back together with my ex or seeing them one more time. When you wake up, there’s this utter loneliness you feel that is hard to get rid of. When you lose somebody whom you’ve cared and loved for so much there is a gaping hole in your life that they used to represent, even if it was superficial. The only way I can relate this to is that you get into this mentality that what good is doing and going somewhere you love if you can’t share it with that someone you’ve lost and no longer have. That’s where I can relate and feel the need for a relationship and connection to someone.

The best thing that works for me right now is being selfish … doing exactly what I want and feel like, shopping, drinking at odd hours, dancing to music I love. It might sound weird, but very therapeutic if you’re lonely and need to love yourself.

Take care and hang in there!


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