A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Self-Less

I’m really tired of listening to my personal drama. In fact, I’m fed up with myself. I think I’m too self-centered. I see the world through this narrow hole. And I’m tired of feeling bad when the circumstances in my life don’t go according to my vision. And I’m tired of feeling elated when things come my way. Feeling low and feeling high are just momentary things that come and go.

There must be a reason why I practiced Nichiren Buddhism .This type of Buddhism is supposed to teach you how to find absolute happiness. I want to find that within myself. I would want to be in that state of unwavering contentedness and gratitude. I don’t want to be affected by the external circumstances anymore. I’m tired of my mood swings. I’m tired of running after my thoughts.

I used to focus on what I didn’t have. But now, I’m slowly learning to focus on the things that I do have. I realized that one can never run out of things to complain about. One will never run out of things to acquire. There will always be certain aspects of one’s life that will need improvement. Instead of focusing on what one doesn’t have, then perhaps one should focus on what needs to be done to make the most out of one’s life.

I used to be so ungrateful of what I had. When I was in a relationship I didn’t appreciate what my boyfriend did. I’d complain about what he didn’t do for me. I focused too much on the negative aspects of that relationship. It wasn’t his fault that I had a less than ideal relationship. It was my fault because I didn’t try to make it work.

And now that I’m single, I’m complaining because I get lonely when all I should do is just appreciate the fact that I have the freedom to do whatever I please. And I should be grateful for this phase in my life because it allows me to think about what I really want in a relationship. This phase will soon end. I know that. I know that I’ll be in a relationship again. My next relationship is going to end up like my previous relationship unless I bring awareness to it.

I have this colleague who comments on everyone she meets. Last night we had a short talk. And I realized how fed up I was with her ways. She would talk about someone and find something negative to talk about that person. She would always focus on what that other person has done wrong. I’m not saying that she’s wrong to do that. It’s her choice. But the thing is, it just never ends. Pointing out other people’s mistakes and focusing on their mistakes doesn’t allow much room for her own personal growth.

I think what she is doing bothers me because I used to be like that. I used to be so critical of myself and also of other people. But I realized that I can’t change others. What I can do is to change how I approach others. What I can do is to provide them with awareness. I can only point out to them their blind spots. If they want to change, it’s all completely up to them.

I used to be so hypersensitive of other people’s criticism of me. I used to be so guarded. I was sarcastic and touchy. And now, when people criticize me, I take it as an opportunity for me to grow. In fact, I’m more grateful for the people who criticize me because they give me awareness of the blind aspects in my life.

It is true. Our thoughts do shape our reality. There is no escaping that fact. But sometimes when one just watches one’s thoughts, one would find great wisdom. I’ve completely changed the way I approach my thoughts. I no longer get carried away by them. Sometimes, I forget that thoughts are just thoughts. I allow myself to be carried away by them. But those times get fewer and fewer. Unlike before, I would follow every thought and scrutinize each thought.

There are moments when I don’t have thoughts anymore. These are the moments that I try to stay in the present. It’s really wonderful to be in that state. In that state of mind, you don’t get dragged down by your past. You also don’t get worried about the future. You just stay as you are. And there is a sense of calm and peace.

As my awareness grows, I realize that in order to be truly happy, I have to do things beyond my self. I have to go beyond my ego. I feel that in order to be truly happy, I must help other people. I feel that I must share my awareness.

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