A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Growing Pains

My inner transformation has been so rapid that I never had the chance to reflect on what has happened. But now for the first time, I feel ashamed of who I have become. When I wanted and prayed for change, I don’t believe that I wanted to turn into someone like me– a woman who is becoming vainer and vainer by the minute and a woman who is starting to care what other people think of her.

I used to not care about my looks. I would wear the same shirt and the same pants. I would wear rubber shoes instead of sandals. I never wore dangling earrings. I never cared about my hair. In fact, I never would comb my hair. I was simple and I was meek. And I never cared what other people thought about my looks.

But now, I wear fancy blouses. I wear expensive shoes. And I wear dangling earrings. I admit, I started wearing nice clothes to make myself feel good. But recently, I wear clothes so that other people notice me. I am beginning to like the attention. And that’s not the reason why I started to change the way I dressed.

My mother told me a few days ago. She said, ” You don’t have to wear fake earrings to look good. Sometimes, simplicity is beauty.” And she is right. I can be simple and yet elegant.

My sister also noticed and told me recently that I was becoming vain. In a way, she is right. They say that what you project to the world is an inner reflection of who you are inside. Have I become superficial? I think I have.

Along the way, I lost some part of me. I miss the simple girl that I used to be. I can still be pretty and yet simple. And I can still dress fancy and yet not become too preoccupied with my looks. I must find that balance. So that I can show to the world the person that is inside of me.

When I was in the brink of insanity, I wanted so much to embrace real change. And now that I have changed so much, the question is, ” Have I actually changed for the better?”

I’m starting to get a picture of my mission in life. This evening, I had a phone conversation with my friend. She was not feeling too well. She just had a big fight with her father. She had just confronted her father about his extra-marital affair. Apparently, she physically hurt her father out of rage. And I don’t know what happened, when I talked to her, I could understand what she was going through. And I told her things that I never thought I knew. It was as if my wisdom just flowed from within.

I am capable of such profound insight. And yet, I can be selfish and superficial as well. I think I need to reflect on the person that I’ve become. I actually don’t like what I’ve turned into.

It’s not too late to change course. I don’t want to turn into this selfish person who only cares to please people who matter. I want to help initiate positive change into this world. I want to help people. I want to spread awareness and hope.

I still see traces of that old self– the girl who cared about others. All I need to do is to nurture that part of me and become a person who can really make a positive impact in this reality.

I have to be less harsh on myself though. It’s all part of my growing pains. And I can’t be too impatient with myself. After this awkward period of adjustment, I will change into a confident person. I want to become this person who is really capable of bringing out  positive social change.

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