A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

Fundamental Darkness

I just had a strange realization. I realized that I am drawn to the darkness. That it was my choice to be depressed. In fact, I found it very alluring.

It was my choice to be depressed all those years. I never really was aware of it but I loved being depressed. I loved the feeling of complete surrender. That’s why I attracted my ex-boyfriend. He was depressed like me. And what’s more, he was a drug addict. There was something about that whole dysfunctional relationship that I just loved.

Being aware of one’s own weaknesses takes a lot of courage. I would rather not be aware of my own darkness. But being unaware means not growing. And I guess there came a point in my life that I felt so heavy and so unhappy that I wanted change. Change came in the form of Buddhism.

I’ve only been a Buddhist for a year but my inner transformation has been so profound. And each day that I’m following this path, I grow inch by inch.

To embrace change takes courage though. It also takes a lot of work. That’s why I preferred being depressed. Because when you are depressed, all you need to do is to do nothing. And laziness is one of my weaknesses. I would rather just do nothing.

My psychiatrist recommended that I read self-help books. The idea of helping myself was an alien concept. But I guess I did learn to take her advice to heart. I’ve been buying self-help books and psychology books ever since I became a Buddhist.

I don’t think I’ll ever go to a psychiatrist again. I cured my depression by trying to understand myself. I still believe that in extreme forms of depression, one should take prescription pills. I guess I was lucky that I wasn’t severely depressed. I was suicidal but I still had the chance to help myself before it was too late. Sometimes, that’s all that really matters– that we help ourself.

Even Sakyamuni Buddha wanted his followers to be self-reliant. In fact, before he died he was said to have uttered these words: Be a lamp unto yourself.

It takes courage to shine a lamp of awareness into the darker regions of our unconscious and subconscious. But to really know oneself and to be truly happy, we must be unafraid to venture forth and get to the know ourselves better. When we understand ourselves, we can heal ourselves. And once we are strong enough, we can start to help other people heal as well.

Along my spiritual journey I was lucky enough to have found these books. I highly recommend them.

Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, Book of Knowledge and Mastery of Love.

Richard Carlton’s You Can Be Happy No Matter What

The Wisdom of Negative Thinking

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