A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

A Change Is Going To Come

My grandmother used to say when I was a kid, that a person who doesn’t know how to look back from where he came from, won’t get to where he needs to go. I never really took it to heart until now. A year ago, before I became a Buddhist, I wanted change. My cousin introduced me to Buddhism. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but I was open-minded about it. I had no idea at that time how becoming a Buddhist would literally transform my life.

Before I became a Buddhist, I was clinically depressed. There were countless of times when I considered taking my own life. Of course, to the outsider, they found it unusual that a girl who has everything would take her own life. But somehow, having money doesn’t help when you’re unhappy. And all my life, I was haunted by a childhood incident that I could never undo. It also didn’t help that I fell in love with the wrong guy.

There were days or weeks when I would just sleep and do nothing. There were days when I would stuff myself. And days when I would starve myself. Sometimes, my seeking spirit would emerge. I always wanted to learn new things. So I took painting lessons, cooking lessons, foreign language lessons, a literature course and all other things I could think of, but I still wasn’t happy.

I thought of escaping from my life and migrating to another country. That didn’t work out as well. There was something missing in my life and I couldn’t figure out why. Everywhere I went, I was unhappy. Whatever I did, I was unhappy. And at the lowest point in my life when I finally thought I would take my own life, I found Buddhism or Buddhism found me.

I was a devout Catholic. Not many people knew that I would go visit my favorite church every week or everyday if I would have to. I thought that God was in charge of my happiness. So I relied on God for everything. It took some getting used to, because Buddhism teaches that you must not seek for God outside of yourself but seek for God within.

My friends say that all religions are the same. During a get-together, my friends asked me what makes Buddhism different from all other religions. And all I could tell them was that you would feel it in your heart that it’s different. It would transform you in ways you can’t imagine. I could never explain to them how different it is. It’s beyond words.

Buddhism is more than a religion. It’s more than a philosophy. To label it would be to limit it. Herbie Hancock once said that Buddhism is not exclusive but inclusive. Buddhism is about the study and the practice of life. How can it exclude everything else when it is all about life?

Buddhism is reason. Buddhism is about change. Buddhism is about following your heart. Buddhism is about action. To describe the practice would be to limit it.

My journey hasn’t been without bumps and pitfalls. I have made so many mistakes during my first year of practice. But what’s so wonderful about the practice is that even if you make mistakes, you learn from them. And you actually find a way to go beyond your mistakes and do something about it.

My inner transformation has been painful. Change is always painful. You have to let go of the person you used to be. And there are certain truths about yourself that you would rather shy away from. I had to face my inner demons.


1 Comment»

  Denise wrote @

Loved reading about you.

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