A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

A Year Later

Last year, I remember crying on the floor. My suffering and my pain was so unbearable. I had thought about killing myself. I could not live with the knowledge that my own uncle had sexually abused me. It killed me to know that my own uncle, my father’s favorite and most beloved brother, would victimize me like that.

I had thought about telling my father about what happened to me as a child. But I knew that it would only kill him inside. So, I kept the secret to myself. Instead, the secret slowly killed me inside.

Last year, I suffered a nervous breakdown. I considered taking my own life. I did seek psychiatric help. The doctor told me that I should take anti-depressants. And she warned me that things would get worse before it got better. There’s a higher risk for me to be suicidal. I would have to take the drug for up to two years before I got better.

I allowed myself a few weeks to think about it. But I felt sad by the fact that I would have to rely on a bottle of pills to make me happy. Deep inside, I felt that it was not the answer. I was resigned to my fate. I almost went back to my psychiatrist to tell her of my decision to start taking medication. But fate intervened. It was around this time that my cousin introduced me to Buddhism.

It’s been a year since I became a Buddhist. But my life has changed drastically in just one year. I know how to laugh now. I never used to laugh before. But I laugh now. And I mean, I really, really laugh. When I was depressed, it would be rare for me to laugh if ever. Now, I actually know the meaning of the word ‘happiness.’

People who have never been depressed would never understand how painful a condition it is. It’s like being a zombie. You are alive and yet you don’t feel alive. And you feel so heavy and so negative. You don’t feel that you deserve happiness.

It’s been a difficult and challenging year. But my practice has paid off. I now understand myself. I am more accepting of myself. I am more forgiving of myself. There are moments when I still feel hopeless. But it’s not a constant thing unlike before when I always felt hopeless.

I read somewhere that Buddhism is the religion of religions. And that it’s the philosophy of philosophies. I would have to agree. It’s a gift to humanity. And it’s the only religion I know of that aims for happiness. And it’s the only philosophy that would help you understand yourself.

If anyone who reads this and who is suffering right now, please do send me a message. I am more than willing to help.

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2 Comments»

  ana wrote @

hi, we may not know each other, but I want you to know that God sent you to answer my questions.

My bf for 2 yrs. said goodbye weeks after my b-day… a great guy and 2 wonderful wonderful years was gone… just like that..
he said he never love me.. hard to believed that becuase I know his lying, he is my angel and my friends told me that your bf is one in a million he is so in-love w/ you, and just like that he’s saying goodbye..

Yesterday I was so depressed like for the past three months I’m not in myself, then at the office I said a prayer that God send me one person to touch me and help me to realized how good this life is.. then I go to Google I just type this “Letter to an ex-bf that I moved on” since I want to know how other people cope up with this kind of trauma.. then your site pop-up… I read all your blog post and you taught me one very important thing the power to choose… and that one power is the only thing I have now…
Thank you so much… and hope we meet… my prayers for you and I ask God to send you an angel (don’t know if u believe in angels, since ur a buddhist and i’m a catholic).
Thank you so much…. really now I believed in miracle. e-mail me please if you have time.

  ablogaday wrote @

Hi there. I’m a former Catholic myself. I believe in the concept of angels. But in Buddhism we call that Boddhisattvas. Boddhisattvas are ordinary people who spread hope and happiness to the world. And names are just names. Call a person or a thing whatever you like but it doesn’t take away the meaning of what the word represents. What’s important is that we actually believe that there are good people out there. Thank you for your prayers. I will pray for you as well.


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