A Blog A Day

It\’s a blog where I write about the extraordinary and the ordinary things going on in my life.

To Feel Unloved

Around seven months ago, my friend came to me for love advice. She just broke up with her ex and immediately after that, another guy started to show interest in her. And this time, the guy was really serious in committing. I don’t know what I said. But I cautioned my friend against being irrational and emotional. I told her to take her time. Yesterday, my friend got married. It was the first time I’ve met the guy. And I like him more than her ex. And I admit that I was wrong for being so negative about it all. My friend made the right decision to get married.

I began to question my decisions. A few years ago, a guy showed interest in me. And I was very afraid that he’d hurt me. Now, he’s still in my life but our relationship is a bit complicated. Or rather, I made it complicated. It was just a simple case of a boy and a girl liking each other. Instead, I turned it into something else. But I still care deeply for this particular boy. But I don’t even know where to go from here. But I do admit, I do regret my decision on not taking a risk on him. And I hope and pray that it’s still not too late.

I don’t know how to trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I’m being rational or being emotional. Half of the time, I don’t know if I’m listening to my head or listening to my heart. I seem to confuse the two. After yesterday, I really have to admit to myself that I’m the reason why I’m still not in a happy relationship.

It took a lot from me to admit that I am the reason why my previous relationship didn’t work out. But through my Buddhist practice, I was able to uncover the root cause of it all. And the root cause is ME.

My friend at work told me that I’m an attractive girl but there is something about me that seems to block men from really pursuing me. All he said is that I have this certain energy that really sends guys fleeing in the other direction. And based on my dating history, I have to admit that he’s right. One of my dates told me truthfully, ” You’re really intimidating.” After that, I never heard from him again. Men are scared of me for some reason. There’s just something about me that makes me so intimidating to men.

I think that I’m still really affected by what my ex told me. Or rather, I have given power to what he told me because it was my issue all along. He would often repeat it to me, ” No other guy will love you, the way I love you.” I took it as: No one else is going to love me.

It took a lot of courage on my part to finally break up with my ex. But I admit, part of the reason I stayed was because I was afraid that no guy would find me attractive. Or no other guy would love me. And part of the reason I stayed even if I was miserable in that relationship, is because I felt unworthy to be loved. I would often convince myself that I am lucky that a guy loves me and I should just stick with him since I’m not really worthy to be loved.

My ex was just a mirror. He magnified my insecurities and my flaws. I stayed in that relationship because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. And I didn’t think that I was worthy of a better kind of relationship. I didn’t think that I was worthy to be loved. I stuck with him all those times because I was afraid that no one else was going to love me. My ex seemed to be really into me. But of course, there were lots of times that he didn’t show respect and he oftentimes, took advantage of my generosity. But I stayed because I was afraid of not having someone. And at that time, I thought that being in a relationship ( even if it’s a bad kind of relationship ) is better than being lonely and single.


1 Comment»

  twinkle wrote @

this is so me,,, .. :(

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