Reflection

August 12, 2007 at 2:21 pm · Filed under Grateful Journal, My Soul's Journey

I forgot that in my quest to find God within, I failed to find God outside myself. Buddhists believe that the environment and the self are one and the same. There is a connection between the external and the internal.

I realize just as the teacher is the external stimulus that initiates learning ( internal realization ) in a student, there can never be a teacher without a student. And there can never be a student without a teacher.

No matter how much the teacher tries to teach concepts to the student, if the student is not open to learning, no real learning can take place. Even if the teacher beats up the student, as long as the student resists , real learning can never take place. Similarly, without a student, the teacher will have no one to teach to.

I’m slowly starting to realize that in order to find God within, I must also try to look outside of myself and appreciate what life has to offer.

Appreciating what the world has to offer needs someone’s perception or viewpoint. To find goodness in the world, one must allow the goodness to manifest in the outside world. And for the goodness in the outside world to influence a person, that person must try to allow himself/herself to be influenced by it.

Can there be beauty in nature if there is no one to appreciate it? And isn’t beauty a concept created by the inner self? The external and the internal both need each other. That is the duality that we see in life.

I have forgotten to write down a gratitude journal. In my quest for inner peace, I forgot that inner peace can not be found by shunning the outside world. How can one find beauty within if there is no mirror ( the external/environment ) to reflect it?

If we do a good deed, how will we know it’s a good deed if we do not see its effect? How can I activate the happiness within myself if I don’t see my happiness manifest itself through action?

In my quest for inner happiness, there came a point when I started to forget the things that I used to love– reading, traveling, watching television, writing and listening to music. I was always praying and chanting. But soon enough, my prayers started to lose their power as I started to lose my passion for the externals.

I need to get back passion in my life. I need to start doing the things that I used to love doing.

There was a time when I tried to enjoy every moment and tried to appreciate every detail. I have lost touch with myself. And it’s ironic that I lose touch with myself when all I wanted in the first place was to find my true self.

I will start to write down things in my grateful journal. I’ll make it a daily or a weekly thing. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that I allow myself to enjoy life again and find the bliss in my daily existence.

Things that I’m grateful for ever since I became a Buddhist.

— Richard becomes my friend and confidant.

— Jilly Ann- a girl I met on an island. She was the most happy and the most intelligent little girl I ever met. We became fast friends.

— My friends both the old and the new.

— Times I spend by myself reading.

— Going to the gym.

— Having a sauna.

— Getting a massage.

— Listening to my friend’s concerns and problems.

— Chanting.

— Taking a bath.

— Shopping for new clothes and a new pair of earrings.

— Dressing up.

— Eating sushi.

— Discovering Buddhism, Echkart Tolle and all the other authors that I’ve discovered today.

— Music

— Dancing

— Singing

— Listening to my Ipod.

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Greatest Hits

August 12, 2007 at 1:50 pm · Filed under Grateful Journal, My Soul's Journey

Charlie is one of my favorite characters in Lost. I really cried when he died. I knew it was coming. Desmond already envisioned it. But still, it didn’t make it any less poignant.

Charlie’s life was very emotional. In season one, he was redeemed by the power of faith. I still remember when he crawled out alive from a tunnel. He followed a butterfly to lead him to safety.

It wasn’t really the butterfly that led him to safety, but his faith. The island– which has the capacity to manifest the good and the bad– manifested his faith in himself. And that was what the butterfly represented.

Charlie is a good man who just lost his true self in circumstance. He was a drug-addict and a rock star. He wasted his life on sex and drugs. His life was empty and devoid of any meaning. He hit rock bottom before he crashed on the island.

The island manifested his lost self. Charlie thought that all he was and all he ever will be is an addict. But when he came to the island, he realized that there was more to him than that. He found the hero inside of him. And that’s how he died.

Before Charlie died, he listed down the greatest hits or the greatest memories of his life. I have many memories. But I’ll start with the greatest hit of my life starting nine months ago. That’s when my real life began.

Top 5 Greatest Hits

5. When my cousin betrayed me. Some would call it a bad experience. But because of what he did, I realized my karmic cycle– that of incest. I had a nervous breakdown as a result of his betrayal. I thought I could trust him, but he was a sex addict. He preyed on me just like he preyed on other women.

At first, I thought I could never forgive him. I still fear him. He may have denied what he tried to do, but the eyes never lie. He may have told me otherwise, but I’ve looked straight into his eyes and saw the truth.

If he didn’t betray me, I would have had a nervous breakdown. If I didn’t have a nervous breakdown, I wouldn’t have had seen a psychiatrist. My psychiatrist spoke about karmic cycle and other Buddhist terms. She said to me the most wonderful thing. She said that I have the capacity to change my destiny and plant good seeds.

When my psychiatrist told me that I was going to need anti-depressants, that’s when I realized that I was in serious trouble. I didn’t want to rely on drugs to make me happy. I had to find out how to find happiness within myself. That’s when I found Buddhism.

4. Breaking up with my EX for good. I was in that karmic cycle of pain and sorrow for a decade. I would break up with my ex but I’d go back to him after a few months. Then we’d break up again and then he’d somehow find a way to convince me to take him back. This year, I finally had the courage to end that cycle of pain and sorrow. But it took a lot of courage to break that cycle of pain. Even now, there are times when I doubt what I did. But if I trust my heart, I know that I did the right thing.

3. Having a talk with my soul sister– my cousin. She was my original best friend. We talked about our lives and what happened to us for the past ten years. We’ve been best friends since we were six years old. But for ten years, we lost touch. We only reconnected recently.

I told her about my childhood sex abuse. And she told me about her many painful relationships. I cried for myself. I cried for her. We cried for each other.

I will never forget that fateful night. When we talked, there were shooting stars in the sky. The sky was aglow with the light of the moon.

2. The day I discovered Buddhism. I started practicing it on an island. I would never forget that day. I have a connection with that island until now.

1. When I got drunk, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. We were dancing in a bar. I pulled Richard close to me because I had lost all my inhibitions. He also drank some alcohol. I don’t know how drunk he was but we started dancing together. I remember hugging him. I remember feeling like I was safe. I would never forget that day for as long as I live.

I am undecided as to what my true number one greatest hit would be. But I also have another memory with Richard. We were on an island excursion. Richard touched a plant. As a result a small splint got embedded in his finger. Our girl companions tried to extract it but they seemed disinterested in helping him. After many failed attempts they gave up on him.

I approached Richard and didn’t stop until I got it out. Richard was in pain but I managed to take it out.

At that moment, I realized that I wanted to be with him. That I wanted to cure all his pains. I wanted to be there for him. And to help heal him if he allowed me.

It was just a simple act of taking out splint from his hand. But for me, it was symbolic of how I felt for him. That moment was a revelation. I wanted to become his friend. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. And even if I didn’t know him that well, I knew in my heart that he would be someone special. Perhaps someone who I would love for the rest of my life. And I know in my heart that he loves me the same way.

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Live and Learn

May 14, 2007 at 8:38 am · Filed under Grateful Journal, My Soul's Journey

I went to the store to buy toiletries last week. I bought lotion and cotton. As I was lining up to pay, a child who was lining up behind me had touched the keychain display. The display case crashed to the floor. The mother who was lining up behind me, immediately spanked the young boy. She hit him on his back. 

She reprimanded him, ” You’re so clumsy. Look what you’ve done!” She looked so mad.

The young boy looked like he was about to cry. But he just crouched near his nanny. The child tried to pick up the keychains that were scattered on the floor. The boy’s nanny helped pick up the keychains.

 The mother got so angry and she got impatient. She then said, ” This line is taking so long. Let’s just leave and buy things at another store!” They then left the store in a hurry. The mother dragged the young boy with him.

I felt so sad for the young boy. I know how it feels to be clumsy. I was once a clumsy child myself. I don’t understand why adults expect children to act like adults. Don’t they remember being a child? I still remember the emotions that I had when I was a child. I haven’t forgotten how it feels to be small, clumsy and scared. The world is so big. When you’re a child, you’re afraid of getting lost. You’re afraid of being scolded by adults. When you’re a child, the world is a very scary place .

Adults were once children too. How can they ever forget how it feels to be one? How can you forget a part of yourself?

I guess I was fortunate in being unfortunate. My parents were absentee parents.They were never there for me when I was growing up. They were always so busy tending to their own business. They never really had time for me. I grew up under the care of a nanny.

I’m fortunate because I know that I won’t ever treat my children the same way. I won’t be an absentee mother. I will be this cool Mom. I’ll play with my kids. I’ll allow them to be just kids. I don’t ever want my children to grow up unhappy or sad like me. I want them to grow up happy and well-adjusted. And I don’t care if they want to end up being a band drummer or a piano teacher. I don’t care what kind of careers they are going to have. I just want them to be happy.

My parents are so controling. I’m in my late twenties and I’ve only been recently allowed to go out by myself. They call me the non-conformist and the rebel. I call myself being human.

I think it’s unhealthy that at twenty-nine years old, I have only started to learn how to drink and how to party. I was never like that before. I was always so prim and proper. But nothing happened to my life.

One day it just hit me. I’m nearing thirty and nothing has ever happened to me. Nothing exciting and nothing wonderful. Then I realized that I was the only one who made my life boring and unexciting. There are so many things that I can do with my life and yet I’m not doing anything. And just when I thought I needed a change, I discovered Buddhism.

It’s so strange. I think I’m a walking contradiction. I’m trying to be an ideal Buddhist and yet, I’m trying to make my life much more exciting. I’m an anti-boring Buddhist. I’m a very modern Buddhist.

Happiness isn’t about being irresponsible or being carefree. It’s about being happy with what you have right now. And what I have right now is my youth and my vigor. My life is filled with so many wonderful possibilities.

I already know what kind of family I’m going to have. I’m going to have a loving family. I already know what kind of kids I’m going to raise. I’m going to raise happy kids.

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